Tag Archives: Science Fiction

Alien 51 (2004)

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alien-51-vhs-front2[In reference to our main character Cleo]
Randy: Does she seem a little off to you?
Officer: She’s hot, Randy. She can be as off as she wants.

It’s a pretty safe bet that “Alien 51” is quite possibly one of the worst science fiction monster movies I’ve ever seen. I challenge you to find something else so creatively impotent, so utterly derivative, and so nonsensical as the movie I spent ninety minutes drudging and fast-forwarding through. Nothing in this film makes the slightest lick of sense, and it’s clear that either the script was horribly done, or the directors lost so much money, they literally spent the second half simply winging it, coming up with a remaining plot that is so stupid. You know a movie is desperate when it’s biggest star is Heidi Fleiss, you know a movie is desperate when it boasts “Starring Heidi Fleiss”, and you know a movie is desperate when its big attempted draw-in was a has been model who appears as a mustache twirling villainess.

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Artie Saves the Hood (2004)

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Don’t you hate it when you and your two slacker friends are trying to set up a backyard wrestling court in your backyard, and aliens from another dimension come in to your neighborhood to take it over? It happens more times than you think, and apparently, it’s happening to Artie’s hood. This pretty funny science fiction comedy asks the audience that very questions while giving us a concept that’s like “Shaun of the Dead” mixed with a bit of the Askew Universe. What if the fate of the world depended on a slacker?

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The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra (2004)

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lost-skeletonRanger Brad: We take our horrible mutilations seriously around these parts.

What “Cadavra” has above the rest of the lot for spoofing old B movies, is it just screams for the dudes at “Mystery Science Theater” to spoof it. “Cadavra” is essentially a B movie spoofing B movies from the fifties and many times it really manages to pull off the gags. The director has obviously done his research to a great extent with much of the flaws, plot holes, and immense lack of continuity provided with schlock sci-fi films even going down to the horrible props including cheesy alien costumes, a spaceship that looks like cardboard, and often times the props re-appear in another scene ala Ed Wood; and there are many scenes that just mimic those of the fifties including animal stock footage used for the actual film, which was a common practice then.

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The Man with the Screaming Brain (2005)

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Bruce Campbell attempts yet again to make another movie with his deal of difficulties, and finally had it released. Granted it was released on the “Sci-Fi” Channel, but it still ends up being a pretty entertaining throwback to the fifties with a mix of schlock for much effect to what the topic of the film entails, because–seriously–comedy or drama, would you watch this film with a straight face? This is science fiction comedy, or comedy with a science fiction twist? Because the screenplay never seems to know.

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Cube Zero (2004)

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cubezeroJust so we know where we stand, I disliked Cube, and hated Cube 2: Hypercube, both films that made the basic horror/science fiction fan cream their pants. Though the concepts were original, the writers and creators did very little with it and thus we were given much repetition in both. One is about a bunch of people in a cube maze with death traps, Cube 2 was just basically a lot more of the same thing, and it seems to me the creators figured out that they needed to change it or else continue repeating the same old stuff, so they created this prequel/semi-sequel called “Cube Zero”.

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The Stepford Wives (2004)

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No seriously, is this a real movie? No seriously. And studios wonder why they’re in a state of decline. Now, I’ve never seen the original “Stepford Wives”, which I recall was more of a grim statement about feminism, but I can easily imagine that it was ten times better than this, as is always the case. So, as if there weren’t enough male bashing in this militant neo-feminist, politically correct age where men are inbred, dumb, fat monsters, and women are smart, beautiful, flawless beings, we get this ridiculous remake. Ridiculous is just me holding my tongue, mind you, because what I really want to call it, would offend even Lenny Bruce. In a nut shell, this is further male bashing about a male bashing society  seeking revenge by male bashing those who are tired of being relegated to subservient positions.

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Thunderbirds (2004)

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C220_03_R.jpg“Thunderbirds” is the every essence of modern children fodder I despise. From colorful distracting special effects, an utterly brainless story, really bad acting, and an end product that fails to give a child anything new to take from the experience. Admittedly, I was a fan of the original “Thunderbirds” show which, for those whom don’t know, consisted of marionettes which made up the entire cast and miniatures which made up the special effects. While those who would consider the sight of my description dumb, well then, they haven’t seen this film. “Thunderbirds” has nothing to do with the concept to begin with, and is basically one of the worst movies I’ve seen in years. The film “Thunderbirds” is supposed to be about men dressed in suits whom save the world in different sized ships, but what was once a very fun show is now reduced to being a cheesy “Spy Kids”/”Johnny Quest” hybrid rip-off with bubble gum children replacing marionettes.

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