The Ten Worst Movies Ever Aired on TNT's Monstervision

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“Monstervision” ran for five years here in the US on the TNT cable station late on Saturdays and Fridays. Often times you could find it at midnight, but often it would be on late in the night thanks to whatever sports game or special TNT decided to air that night. Joe Bob Briggs is one of the last gasps of great cable television where he migrated from The Movie Channel to TNT to hose “Monstervision” for many years. During that time, he hosted many movies of the cult variety, and some mainstream stuff, mostly due to TNT’s demands. Though the show was called “Monstervision” Briggs was pretty much obligated to air movies like “Love Potion No. 9,” and “Twins” while Briggs was able to mostly air his kind of movies like “Shaft,” “From Beyond,” and “The Return of the Living Dead.” Throughout the span of the series, Monstervision aired some truly terrible movies that could only be appreciated with commercial breaks for the sake of the audiences sanity. And Briggs’. These are ten of the worst movies ever aired on Monstervision.

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Flash Gordon: The Complete Series (DVD)

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Man, what the hell happened?

It seemed like such a good idea at the time. The Syfy Channel or The Sci Fi Channel has had a good track record for television series that excelled in epic space adventures with hit shows like “Stargate” and “Farscape.” Plus, they engineered one of the most critically acclaimed award winning reboots of all time, “BSG: Battlestar Galactica” which ended up being an important touchstone for science fiction in the twenty first century.

So what in the heck happened with “Flash Gordon”? Syfy and their executives not only seem to miss the point with these characters of the pulp era, but completely seek out to alter their personas rather than re-invent them.

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Girls and Corpses: Volume #7 [Magazine]

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gandc-springThe girl can’t help it. “Girls and Corpses” celebrates their Spring volume by bringing aboard their own bonafide spring hotty, Courtney Stodden. Whether or not you’re a fan, there’s no denying the news savvy highly publicized Stodden is insanely hot, and “Girls and Corpses” takes advantage of her photo shoot, making sure to show off how Stodden manages to keep every page of her photo spread burning to the touch.

There’s even a delectable fold out poster for folks who want to appreciate Stodden every single day of the year. Stodden is definitely a model for the horror magazine that will keep readers turning back to her spread again, and again, and she takes full zeal in her new cover shoot by posing with her very own corpse groom. One very lucky corpse groom.

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Gangster Squad (2013) Combo Pack: Blu-Ray/DVD/Ultraviolet

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Director Ruben Fleischer’s “Gangster Squad” is allegedly based on a true story, but I imagine the true story was filtered through the Hollywood drain at least five times. And then completely turned in to a comic book for audiences that appreciate goofy action movies over stern dramatic crime thrillers. “Gangster Squad” is a ridiculous and often times unwatchable take off on the gangster picture that is so above and beyond moronic that it makes 1991’s “Mobsters” look like “The Godfather” in comparison. A dunderheaded mixture of “Lethal Weapon” and “The Untouchables,” Ruben Fleischer bases his crime action film around the dumbest and most incompetent crime fighting squad in Los Angeles. This is a top secret squad assembled to bring down crime boss Mickey Cohen, and they keep their operations top secret by having barbecues in the backyard of their leader’s house. This is a group we’re supposed to take seriously, but actually identify themselves by “Gangster Squad” at one point. Can you imagine them going through a check list? “Mob Marauders”? No. The… “Crime Capers”? No. The “Gangster Squad”! Get that letter head printed!

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Zombieland: The Series

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KRYnaQJ“Zombieland” seeks to be the antidote for folks still clamoring for a zombie television series, but hate the drama and politics of “The Walking Dead.” Where as Robert Kirkman’s pop culture smash is more of an adult take, “Zombieland” takes all of the best road trip movies and adds some zombies for good measure. Folks claiming this is an attempt to market off of “The Walking Dead” are half right. Originally “Zombieland” was pitched to every studio as a weekly series, but when it was turned down left and right, it was transformed in to a horror comedy feature film that would hopefully transform in to a movie series. When Woody Harrelson pulled out of ever playing hero Tallahassee again while stars Emma Watson and Jessie Eisenberg’s careers took off, the hopes of having a “Zombieland” movie series collapses.

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D.N.A (1997)

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It’s pretty funny that “DNA” manages to be a total rip off of “Predator.” Because once you get a full glimpse at the alien monster in this 1997 Mark Dacascos vehicle, you realize that the alien in the film looks exactly like the early concepts for the monster in “Predator.” Anyone who knows movies, knows that the early designs for the monster in “Predator” featured a long necked more primal beast with a beak like mouth later changed in to a dreadlocked crab like hunter. The beast in “DNA” looks similar to the aforementioned monster from early drafts of “Predator,” except this time he’s tangling with Mark Dacascos and his boss long hair. “DNA” is not the worst “Predator” wannabe I’ve ever seen, it’s just incredibly silly. Especially when the first half is pretty much a riff on “African Queen” that then turns in to “Predator” once we learn of the evil plans bad guy Jurgen Prochnow has in store.

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Nothing Men (Digital)

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In the interest of full disclosure, I am a long time friend with author Doug Brunell, but this review is as objective and fair as possible.

Reading “Nothing Men” is a lot like the beginning of a rollercoaster, where you’re riding up further and further and building up to momentum. You’re sitting waiting thinking “Here it comes, here it comes,” and when the rush finally does come, author Doug Brunell delivers on a final half that soaked with blood, guts, and an ending that will likely make you re-think travelling to small towns ever again. “Nothing Men” made me think about the like of Herschell Gordon Lewis, Tobe Hooper, and prompted flashbacks of films like “The Wicker Man” and “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

No matter how far you run, you’re never really quite out of the grasp of the environment and its deadly residents that dwell in its bowels, and that sends a surge of dread and a bleak atmosphere in “Nothing Men” that’s wrenching. Especially in its final pages. Author Brunell simply doesn’t let his characters off the hook, and punishes just about everyone in the book. It’s almost like a splatter version of “Funny Games” at times. Partly they pay for playing god, and partly for their hubris in the situation. Hubris is the ultimate undoing for just about everyone in the book, and Brunell unfolds layers of Valley Bottom slowly with every chapter.

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