You know how I know “Spiders” is set in New York and not in a cleverly shot in a studio with the same set pieces re-used over and over again? Becawse Patrick Muldoon tawks like dis tru most of da movie. Youse guys and yaw clichés about New Yawkers! Hey, I’m walkin here! It sounds like I made a bad funny, but a character actually shouts that a half hour in to the movie. Because it’s not Canada if you don’t say “eh,” and it’s not New York if you don’t pay homage to Ratzo Rizzo.
Hypothermia (2010)
This is almost like “The Creature from the Black Lagoon” if conceived by Jim Jarmusch and directed by Larry Fessenden. The film attempts to put up a pretence that it’s saving the monster shots for the big finale, but in reality you can almost feel the director concealing the monster for the fact that it’s not a very menacing creature, when all is said and done.
God Bless America (2011)
My reaction to “God Bless America” came in three waves. 1. Wait, Bobcat Goldthwait makes films? 2. Wait, Bobcat Goldthwait makes great films? 3. Wait–Bobcat Goldthwait directed one of my favorite films of 2012?! Hot damn. “God Bless America” is one of the most vicious reflections of American pop culture I’ve ever seen. It’s a relentless, tasteless and violent look at one man’s response to the dying culture of America, and how we’ve so embraced idiocy and tailored rudeness in to a positive trait that it becomes only logical to snuff out those who impact it.
Ooga Booga (2013)
I’m not sure why, but “Ooga Booga” is apparently in the same universe as “Zombies vs. Strippers.” Not only is the strip club mentioned in passing, but Charles Band shoe horns the woefully unfunny and poorly created recurring character Hambo, a dysfunctional children’s show host in to the movie for reasons I can’t possibly fathom. Perhaps these last two films have been produced by the same person who feels the need to jump start their own Hambo movie somewhere in the future, I can only imagine. This isn’t the first time Charles Band has indicated these movies are all in the same universe, but I’m shocked that Band and Full Moon would rely on a recurring character like Hambo. I’d far more expect Full Moon to create a more enigmatic and interesting character to appear in their films to bridge stories from time to time than a perverted clown with a pig nose who hosts a kids’ show. But lo and behold, that’s what “Ooga Booga” feeds us.
Lo (2009)
Director Travis Betz, if anything, tries for originality and for the most part achieves it. Though “Lo” strives for simplicity and a downbeat nature, it’s a rather spectacular feat to comprise an entire film and story, as well as a horrific world, around one setting and one room only. Comprised very much like a stage play, “Lo” begins as a creepy trip in to the supernatural, and ends as a tragic love tale. “Lo” is about a man who simply can’t let his loved one go, and the trip he takes to ensure that he can re-claim the one he lost a long time ago.
The Devil Inside (2012)
Tell me if this exchange sounds idiotic to you:
“I think I might have AIDS someday, doctor.”
“We may never know. I know one solution.”
“What is that?”
“Let’s give you AIDS and see if you have it.”
“I’m in!”
So if a girl is afraid she may be possessed one day like her mother, why on Earth do you bring her along on a dangerous possession ritual that may take the lives of all involved? What does that even prove? “But Felix, we wouldn’t have a movie if she didn’t go along.” Then why even call this a found footage film? Why not just stage it as a feature film?
Hansel & Gretel (2013)
The rationale behind the villain Lilith in “Hansel and Gretel” makes no sense. She traps Hansel and Gretel in a bear trap and lures them to her house, she feeds Hansel a meat pie, and traps him in her basement to make him in to her pie, and then asks Gretel to take control of the shop and run it for her, in spite of the fact she’s about to turn her brother in to a meat pastry. She then gets angry when Gretel refuses? Turning her relative in to food is not exactly incentive for her to stay and help you in the shop. And did she continue to intend turning kids in to meat pies if Gretel took hold of the shop?