Dolla Morte (2006)

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I’m sure at some point either “director” Bill Zebub or one of his friends were sitting down to watch “Robot Chicken” or “Team America: World Police” for the fiftieth time in a month quoting “Matt Damon!” over and over, and someone suggested “director” Bill Zebub create his own doll movie! Yay! After the rancid putrid junk that was “Breaking her Will” and the rancider putrid junk that was “Dirt Bags” I really was not expecting much from “director” Bill Zebub. “Dolla Morte” really wouldn’t be such a bad film if Bill Zebub had any idea was pacing is. There are overlong scenes of dolls engaging in dialogue, and rape scenes, and there’s even a five minute warning to the audience about Zebub’s intention toward the film. Why are they so determined to let us know his intentions for this piece of garbage? What does it matter? Shouldn’t he let the trash speak for itself?

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Batman XXX: A Porn Parody (2010)

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batman_xxxI mean it when I say that “Batman XXX: A Porn Parody” is without a doubt one of the best pornos I’ve ever seen. And it’s also the best porn parody to date. The Adam West Batman show was always a series mired in strong overtones of sexuality. Even when appealing to children primarily, the show had a strong sexual element due to its creation which set it down in the free spirit, free loving decade of the sixties where sexual experimentation ran rampant, and the go go era bred a new awakening, experimentation and dabbling in areas of our sexuality we once deemed taboo. There was very little separation from “Batman” with “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls” aside from the rampant drug use and boozing. Tonally, they were so incredibly similar with kinetic energy and dizzying color schemes.

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The Nunsploitation Convent Collection (DVD)

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Available in on 2500 Limited Edition Copies, Cult Epics has released the ultimate in nunsploitation double features pairing two of the most iconic nunsploitation films of all time “School of the Holy Beast” and “Behind Convent Calls” together, and attaching a new restoration along with fantastic features for all collectors. “School of the Holy Beast” is the definition of the nunsploitation sub-genre. It’s a wonky, surreal, and demented piece of Asian drama with some of the most memorable moments I’ve ever seen in the Grindhouse motif. Most importantly it has an odd sense of humor that make it worthy of many laughs, but ones that will assuredly be of the uncomfortable sort.

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Nun of That (2009)

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nunofthatpremtrailernewsI really should not have loved this as much as I did. In all honesty, I sat through “Nun of That” thinking I should rightfully despise every minute of this, but… I didn’t. In the end, “Nun of That” is a hilarious, action packed ode to nunsploitation and the grindhouse motif that fuels an otherwise ridiculous, over the top action bonanza. There’s a nun in a club stripping before she eliminates a full house of Italian stereotypes, a martial arts Jew assassin who chucks deadly Stars of David and a razor edged yarmulke, there’s Ghandi teaching Sister Wrath how to fight with demon ninjas, and there’s Jesus Christ who engages in a musical number that is shockingly memorable and catchy. All of which is played with deadpan insistence from its sharp cast who seem to truly enjoy being in this movie.

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Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2010)

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Director Joseph Guzman’s ode to the grindhouse devices of the seventies is an admirable and often times entertaining take on nunsploitation while also delving in the realms of sexploitation, and revenge fare. Ever since “Grindhouse” indie directors have constantly attempts to mimic the same gloss and nods Tarantino and Rodriguez strived for and–as I’ve seen–many indie directors have pulled it off. Some of them, like Guzman, do it even better than the alleged master filmmakers ever did. Because unlike the former pair, the indie directors have little to work with, and must rely on creativity where budget fails. “Nude Nuns with Big Guns” is not so much a nunsploitation film as it is a Southern fried take on Bo Arne Vibenius’ classic “Thriller a Cruel Picture.”

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Uncorked (2010)

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Uncorked5Actor Phil Hall is something of a perfectionist, a man who really fancies himself an improvisational artist. It’s not too often we see actors in films who are willing to improvise, and Phil Hall is a man who has co-starred in many independent films and is an individual who believes in the ability to improvise to give us moments in film that scripts can’t conceive. “Uncorked” is a thirty minute experimental short featuring actor Phil Hall basically staging his own one man show where he shows the audience what he’s capable of in the realm of improv and playing it by ear.

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The Karate Kid (2010)

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You could have called this “Fist of the East,” or “Test of Fortitude” and it would have grossed obscene amounts of money at the box-office, regardless. It’s a movie that is so meticulously built to appeal to audiences and tickle every emotion possible, that it’s so much more a marketing gimmick than it is an actual movie. Calling it “Karate Kid” is just the icing on the cake. Eighties exploitation is huge. There are currently dozens of overgrown men on the cusp of forty mourning the days of Rocky Balboa, and cassette tapes, still bawling about how the eighties were so much better that calling it “Karate Kid” was a bonafide ticket to box office gold. Plus Jaden Smith is Will Smith’s son, and Will Smith always equals big bucks.

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