Ms. 45 (1981)

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45If there’s anything that gets my goat more than apocalypse films, and superhero films, it’s revenge flicks. Revenge movies make up some of the best cinema I’ve ever seen, from Samurai epics, to Western tales, and Abel Ferrera’s “Ms. 45” is that revenge movie in the vein of “I Spite on your Grave” where a woman who has suffered the crime of rape, now strikes out against all men, instead of the men who hurt her. Anna is a meek mute girl who designs clothes during the day time. On the way home, she’s anally raped on the street, and then staggers home wounded to find that a man has broken into her home and, angered that she has no valuables, decides to rape her… again.

Anna can’t catch a break, as you can imagine.

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LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures (Nintendo DS)

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Why even review a video game? Well, we’re such big fans of “Indiana Jones” and currently can’t put down the game based on the original three movies. So, without further ado, a review of the Nintendo DS version…

If you think this game is just for kids, then you’re freaking mistaken, pal. While it is rated E for everyone, there’s really nothing simplistic about this video game. It’s a complicated, irritating, and awfully long game that I am currently having a blast playing. I honestly can’t stop. And while completing “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” “Temple of Doom,” and “The Last Crusade” would take at least three days, if you played non-stop, finding the tricks, secrets, hidden gems, and strategy will force you to replay all three at least three times. The keyword here is three, folks.

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Zombies Strippers! (2008)

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Jay Lee tries his damndest to take porn star retiree (how long will that last?) Jenna Jameson and posits her as the next B movie scream queen a la Linnea Quigley or Debbie Rochon and I have to set it straight that Jameson will not be the next anything in horror. Any and all attempts to gain some sense of pop culture standing, beyond being a famous porn star have been fruitless and quixotic (her comic proved that). However, as a person who was excited about and interested in seeing “Zombie Strippers!” Jameson isn’t that bad here and that’s because Lee doesn’t ask much from her beyond name recognition.

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Hot Summer in the City (1976)

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hot-summer

One of the more humorous aspects of “Hot Summer in the City” is the presumption that it’s an actual movie because its book ended by “Summer in the City” by Lovin’ Spoonful. Not only does the song have nothing to do with the actual movie, but director Gail Palmer seems to just have bought the rights to play it at the beginning and end of her movie to add some sense of credibility trying to eagerly convince us that there’s a serious plot here, instead of just a hint of a narrative in between all of the rough sex and rape. In all honesty, it’s just a hardcore porno with dashes of story here and there and some wildly cartoonish Caucasian protagonists and African American villains. And there’s a lot of rape, too. Poor white chick gets raped by black dudes. That’s the plot.

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Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69 (2008)

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BlitzFINALlobby-1Ah Nazisploitation, one of my favorite sub-genres of the Grindhouse niche. After watching the “Ilsa” movies last year, I found the subset to be a very fascinating and varied area with titles attempting social relevance and failing immensely. “Blitzkrieg” is the incredible ambitious and sophisticated dip into the nazi exploitation gallery with a very unusual and original story that hearkens back to Jess Franco and Don Edmonds. “Blitzkrieg” sets down on 1955, a little over a decade after the holocaust where a secret group of officers are busting ex-Nazi death camp owners and arresting them.

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Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

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Arbie: I’ll believe in the supernatural when I see it, talking sandwich.

So I sat down at my chair, popped in the movie and sat prepared to watch another shit fest from Troma. I’m somewhat of an anti-Troma pusher, so I was not looking forward to this. And my eventual reactions were a varying degree of disgust, horror, disbelief, and amusement. I laughed. And I laughed a lot. I’d even go so far to say that “Poultrygeist” is quite excellent. It’s something of a demented twist that it took Native American chicken zombies to finally get me to like a Troma movie, and trust me I had no intention of enjoying “Poultrygeist,” so much. But from the ridiculous opening to the horribly catchy musical numbers, Lloyd Kaufman has created a very memorable bit of horror comedy that may just lure more anti-Troma individuals like me.

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Shark Swarm (2008)

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shark-swarm-rlstvI would love to say that this is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, I really would, but when all is said and done, it’s really just a typically awful television movie with a three hour run time that is about as necessary as another killer shark movie. When I finished “Shark Swarm” I blamed myself for sitting through it, and I completely forgot about it once the credits rolled. Boring as piss, “Shark Swarm” is one of the most derivative of the killer animal movies with elements that don’t try to break the mold and instead just follow along with clichés incessantly bringing us through the motions until the finale. Sharks are traveling in swarms because well… we’re never given a real explanation.

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