Tag Archives: A

Alexander Revisited: The Final Cut (DVD)

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“Why a third version of Alexander? The best answer I can manage is, I couldn’t get it out of my system. It’s a film that’s been haunting me since the theatrical version first appeared in November 2004 in the U.S., followed by a Director’s Cut on DVD in July 2005.” – Oliver Stone

Jesus Christ, Mr. Stone, why? Why can’t you just leave that gaping wound alone? Why can’t you just let it heal? Why can’t you just leave well enough alone and accept that you made a really bad movie? You made a bad movie! There was no homophobic conspiracy, no boycott against you. You made a neo-“Caligula,” a film that takes itself so seriously it can’t even realize it has a huge “Kick My Pompous Ass” sign on its back. While we chortle in the distance, you’re still hung up on this figment that we just can’t accept a film about a hero who is bisexual. So, you grace us with three cuts of the same crappy film. Stone, know when to stop breathing air in the infectious cavity. You win some, and you lose some. You lost big with “Alexander” and you only help increase the sentiment with this “final” cut. You’re off your game, face it. And worst of all, Stone wants to cater to his audiences rather than accept defeat. There was the original cut (175 min.), then the trimmed down cut which increased the action and pulled back on the homosexual overtones (167 min.), and now there’s this “Final Cut.”

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A Scanner Darkly (2006)

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Aside from the utterly fascinating concept, Linklater re-visits the same wonderful animation he enlisted in the fantastic “Waking Life,” with this visceral piece of druggie science fiction that instead focuses on the mechanics of the mind rather than in machines and science. As usual, Linklater prefers to delve into the human psyche and he gives it his best effort with some brutally beautiful animation. I dare you to look away from the Scramble suit. I dare you. Beyond that, the stand out performance is by Robert Downey Jr. as a druggie scientist who is both brilliant and mad, which is not hard to believe for a man who has no screws.

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Appleseed (Appurushîdo) (2004)

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Aramaki’s “Appleseed” has the distinction of being one of the better animated films I’ve ever seen simply because of its amazing animation and landscapes. For those who can find no true plot aspects, they can at least marvel at the beautiful animation. In essence, “Appleseed” is technically astounding with wonderful landscapes and creative mixing of mythology and technology. “Appleseed” should be seen for the marvels it accomplishes. I don’t know, I don’t like to watch an animated film feeling as if I’m actually watching a video game. I don’t like video games, and the sneaking suspicion that I’m watching a video game sequence drawn out into a two hour film really irks my gurken. “Appleseed” is basically all style and zero substance, and it’s a techno pop video game/music video.

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A Sound of Thunder (2005)

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A-sound-of-thunder-pic1At the start of “A Sound of Thunder,” One was that the quality was on par to an average stinker on the Sci Fi Channel, and the other was that there couldn’t possibly be that much truth to the suckiness of said film. At the start, our heroes are on prehistoric terrain and in enters a dinosaur; a dinosaur that is really intent on eating them. The whole time I watch this, I’m thinking to myself “This couldn’t be the special effects, they must be in a simulator” which is usually the case in films in which we think one scenario is actual distress, and it ends up being a complete red herring.

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A Day Without a Mexican (2004)

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What if American’s Mexicans suddenly disappeared one day? Well, in effect, what if America’s “laziest race” disappeared one day? Well, then we’d have a nation of lazy Caucasians, wouldn’t we? And we’d have an actual group of people, whom are Americans who will not work. And we’d be at war with one another. And we’d be calling each other sub-human, wouldn’t we? “A Day without a Mexican” is not just a satire on the Mexican sub-culture, but an indictment on America on the Hispanic sub-culture. But I’m trying to figure out what the hell was going through the writers minds when making this.

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Alone in the Dark (2005)

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And in the distance, as the movie came to a close in an ending that ripped off the remains of “Evil Dead” so badly I gazed in wide eyed horror, a woman could be heard–laughing aloud. Is this ever a good sign to a good movie? No way, and that was a surefire indicator Uwe Boll had done it yet again, he’d made a movie that rivaled the sheer horror that was “House of the Dead,” a movie that will forever live in infamy as one of the worst horror movies ever made. Suffice it to say, if I made a drama or horror and spawned even the slightest of laughter, I’d duck out of the theater and hide in a cave. Too bad Boll didn’t do it.

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