You Have to See This! Hardbodies (1984)

Posted on July 4, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

Since the sixties were in vogue in the eighties, you could probably build an entire sub-genre of films based on and around beaches. There were so many films revolving around guys trying to get laid in and around beaches, or living in beach houses, that it’s surprising almost every studio thought they’d cash in on this concept. There was even the silly “Back to the Beach,” an all star eighties ode to the classic Frankie and Annette beach blanket bingo comedies. Talk about childhood favorites.

This time around, “Hardbodies” is set during the best beach in the world, where apparently almost every hot woman in America go to, to either roller skate, or scamper around with their friends. The beach is filled with gorgeous women otherwise known as “hardbodies” to the local men, and main character Scotty is apparently the head of the game which involves hunting for women and getting them in bed as often as he possibly can. Scotty, despite being sex hungry, is the hero of the film that transforms from sex comedy, to dramatic romance, to sex comedy again and again you’ll likely feel confused toward the finale.

Scotty is a slacker and ladies man who roams the beach with his best friend Rag looking to score with gorgeous women. They’re called “Hardbodies,” and he’s more than successful in bedding his fair share of beach bunnies. After being kicked out of his apartment by his ruthless landlord, Scotty luckily meets three middle aged men who hire him to get them in to hot parties and hook them up with as many gorgeous women as he can. All seems to be going well, but when Scotty begins falling for sexual conquest Kristi, he’s torn between endless one night stands, or being in his first real committed relationship.

Scotty is your typical smooth talking slacker from the eighties, who spends most of his time running around the beach and trying to talk women in to bed with him, along with his best friend. He is also a part of the beach’s patrol, so he’s in charge of throwing out riff raff and helping other people have a good time. He even craftily throws out a group of perverted losers by siccing a biker gang on hem.

Partying of course doesn’t do much for his lifestyle, as Scotty is about to be kicked out by a merciless landlord that is more than happy to kick him out on his butt. Just Scotty’s luck a trio of middle aged businessmen has moved in to a local beach house and wants to have a good time and are willing to hire Scotty for the chance at tail. Scotty begrudgingly agrees and spends a good portion of the movie trying his best to hook the trio of men up with gorgeous women, all of whom have some sort of motive for the swingers.

This involves a ton of montages of the men hitting on beach bunnies and often bungling in their attempts, and throwing a wild party that involves a large amount of topless shots and sexual innuendo that is quite entertaining. At one point Scotty invites a tall gorgeous aspiring model to meet an agent at the party, and despite her anger at his lie, he convinces her to go to his room and take pictures anyway. Soon enough a crowd of women are in Scotty’s room competing for photo ops, apparently for the chance to be featured in the dictionary next to the word “Gullible.”

You could sum up the movie in one simple sentence, but “Hardbodies” has a lot of plot to it, and a ton of sub-plots that the writers work hard to resolve with enough believability. Along with Scotty working with the trio of men to get them laid, he’s also committing to Kristi, an intended one night stand he begins falling in love with. He also tricks a female rock band in to playing his party and falls in to success when the band garners interest from a professional promoter.

There’s also a large amount of focus on one of the older men Ashby, who begins a raunchy affair with kinky Michelle (as played by the obscenely sexy Kristi Somers), that transforms in to a romance. Their sub-plot contributes to a lot of the better moments of “Hardbodies,” including her bouncing on him while he’s half asleep, and a very heavily implied oral sex scene.

One of the banner scenes involves Michelle challenging Ashby to keep playing his guitar while she commits to her “act,” resulting in a rather hilarious reaction from him as he struggles to finish his guitar melody. If that’s not enough there’s another fun sub-plot with Courtney Gains, who plays Scotty’s loyal best friend Rag. Rag is your typical eighties goofball best friend who spends most of the movie also trying to get laid, and eventually manages to win the heart of a woman.

“Hardbodies” goes off the rails mid-way in favor of Scotty’s fight to keep his relationship with new girlfriend Kristi. After constantly striking out and harassing a girl to the point of sexual assault, the leader of the middle aged trio Hunter, gets in to a fight with Scotty and makes a play for Kristi. Soon enough, Hunter and Scotty are at war with one another for Kristi’s heart, and Scotty begins striking back at the player with a series of carefully orchestrated pranks that do him in.

While the endless sub-plots set up do make “Hardbodies” needlessly crowded with story, it revels in its simple premise based around getting women naked as often as possible, and featuring a lot of “hardbodies” walking around for the camera. We also get some past storylines showing up in the goofy climax, involving the skuzz bag beach crashers from the first half of the movie. We even get an obligatory old woman fainting at the sight of her naked middle aged son posing for the women in the party.

As an added bonus there’s the liberal use of the original “Partytime” by 45 Grave.

There was apparently a “Hardbodies” sequel set in Greece, but since it was IMDB Bottom 100 fodder at one time, I doubt I’ll get to it any time soon. For pure 1980’s raunchy beach blanket nonsense, though, there’s at least 1984’s “Hardbodies.” You’d be a fool not to respect the film’s trademark hot rod water bed.

The Shallows (2016)

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

Jaume Collet-Serra‘s survival thriller feels like a movie that was written in 1980 and just now saw the light of day as a vehicle for Blake Lively. It doesn’t have any of the beaming self importance of “Open Water” or “127 Hours,” which makes it a lot more fun than it has any right to be. Lively is gorgeous and charming as American tourist Nancy Adams, a medical student still reeling from the death of her mother after a long losing battle with cancer. Taking a hiatus from work and all of her responsibilities, she travels to Mexico to relax and surf on the beach. While waiting for some waves, she’s attacked by a massive shark that knocks her off of her board, and leaves her to plunge in to the tide where she cuts her leg open, hobbling any and all efforts to swim back to shore.

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Adventures in Babysitting (2016) (DVD)

Posted on June 28, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

What a difference from 1987 to 2016, isn’t it? In the original “Adventures in Babysitting,” our intrepid heroes led by their babysitter are evading a group of car thieves anxiously trying to get back their notes that they scribbled on a playboy that one of the characters stashed accidentally. Here, the group runs afoul two inept pawn shop clerks that want the camera character Lola has after taking a picture of their illegal exotic animal. Disney’s newest stars Sabrina Carpenter and Sofia Carson are charming in their co-starring roles as high schoolers competing for a photography internship.

Both girls end up in a variety of misadventures as babysitters caring for a small group of rambunctious kids after a cell phone mix up. Over the course of the night, they cross criminals, mean car towers, and even have to talk their way out of a police station when they’re accused of committing a crime. They now have to get their car back home before midnight hoping to beat the parents of their charges home. While I’d still watch Columbus’ original with my family, Disney takes great lengths to tone down a lot of the menace and hazards from the original. This means no college party, no drunken girl hitting on one of the characters, no gang war in a train, and no one mistaking one of the babysitters for a Playboy centerfold.

Considering co-star Sabrina Carpenter is barely eighteen, that’d be painfully creepy, so that’s not a huge omission, all things considered. That said, “Adventures in Babysitting” is a solid diversion with some neat adventure and antics, even if it isn’t one of Disney’s best original films. It garners solid performances, kid friendly antics, and includes a lot of its own twists on the original film’s events, including a huge chase through a Laundromat, and an impromptu performance that results in a rap battle. With Disney Channel Original Movies, you have to take the good with the bad, and thankfully this remake offers a lot more good than bad.

It’s certainly better than “The Descendents.”

The DVD only comes with a two minute blooper reel, and a fridge magnet that doubles as a picture frame and a check list for babysitters. Frankly, I’m surprised Disney didn’t make a bigger deal out of their one hundredth television movie for this home release. If you’ve watched the Disney Channel for the last three months, they’ve had behind the scenes segments, interviews with Sabrina Carpenter and Sofia Carson, a music video with the pair, and a “making of” with the pair recording the film’s theme song.

Return of the Killer Tomatoes (1988): Special Edition [Blu-Ray]

Posted on June 27, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

Good God, it’s usually around the fifth movie in a horror series where the writers start poking fun at themselves, not the first sequel. John Astin is a mad professor named Gangreen who is secretly engineering tomatoes to be able to transform in to humans set to various genres of music, and plans to unleash another invasion on the world. Ten years after the events of “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes,” tomatoes are outlawed and anyone that is found with them is arrested. So naturally the big joke centerpiece of the film is that we follow a young pizza delivery man named Chad who helps operate a pizza place that uses every ingredient except tomato sauce.

Chad, who constantly makes deliveries to Gangreen’s mansion, is in love with his assistant Tara, who happens to be a tomato. When Tara escapes Gangreen’s clutches due to him attempting to kill a fuzzy tomato mutant, Tara seeks Chad’s help. Meanwhile Gangreen goes looking for her with his muscle bound killer tomato commandoes. “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” is one of the very few meta-science fiction comedy spoofs that sometimes don’t even seem to try to tell a story. It’s a movie so tight on budget that there are never actually any rampaging killer tomatoes here. This is more a romantic comedy with a Frankenstein twist involving a killer tomato that can turn in to a hot woman, who begins falling in love with a normal pizza delivery man.

It’s almost like tuning in to watch “Friday the 13^th” and only see people talk about Jason Voorhees, and never actually seeing him on screen at any point. “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” spends a lot of time spoofing its own premise that it never actually takes the time out to unfold a narrative. That doesn’t make the film terrible, but it does hinder any efforts director John De Bello has to aspire toward the comedic lengths of “Airplane!” Characters break the fourth wall, co-star George Clooney breaks character, and there’s even a gag involving product placement. It comes out of nowhere and is blatantly tacked on, but it is quite a funny segue, all things considered.

Every cast member works in different wave lengths in the film, with Starke playing his character as goofy as possible, while Clooney is mostly a straight man who tries tongue in cheek comedy every now and then. Astin is nearly loses teeth chewing the scenery, and his comically uneven turn is quite the attraction. “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” could very easily have been an awful film, but its sheer relentless absurdity and embracing of its low budget compensates for the fact that there aren’t really any killer tomatoes in the film.

Along with a reversible slip cover, there’s also a new interview with star Anthony Starke, who discusses his experiences working with George Clooney. True to form, Clooney was a prankster on set, and the pair had a good time partying. There’s a two minute still gallery, the original theatrical trailer, and a thirty second TV Spot. Finally, there’s a brand new audio commentary with writer and director John De Bello who, with host Michael Felsher, discusses his history with the movie series, and how he went about making the film on such a miniscule budget. This is an informative commentary with some fun anecdotes.

Adventures in Babysitting (2016)

Posted on June 24, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

“Adventures in Babysitting” was a highly talked about remake being developed over the course of half a decade, as there were talks of a big screen release with Raven-Symone starring, then Miley Cyrus perhaps taking on the lead. After years in gestation, it was finally dropped on to the Disney Channel as their 100th Original movie. Sure enough, now that Symone is a self-parody, and Cyrus is doing her own adult things, Disney hands the notable remake over to two of the current Disney stars Sabrina Carpenter, and Sofia Carson. Disney has been very good about casting their films for the last decade, so Carson and Carpenter aren’t just talented, charismatic actresses, but also attract their own loyal fan base.

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Warcraft (2016)

Posted on June 23, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

Boy it’s been a bad year for fantasy cinema in America. Time and time again fantasy films have failed for the most part, and “Warcraft” is one of those casualties. I admittedly have no experience with “Warcraft,” but for those unaware, it’s based on a massive multiplayer role playing game that’s become so popular it’s almost a way of life for most people. It’s a game so terrifyingly addictive, that a cousin of mine even pulled me aside once warning me not to play lest I be sucked in. Now that their Orc world has died, the orc shaman Gul’dan has used dark magic to open up a portal to the human realm of Azeroth.

Once a peaceful land ruled by man, the Orc army known as The Horde, now plan to populate the world and rule over it as their new home led by the noble Orc warrior Durotan. Teamed with a female half Orc named Garona, the human army of Azeroth plan to go to war with them, led by fierce warrior Lothar, their King Llane, and two wizards. Events spiral out of control though when Durotan begins rethinking the invasion and their leader Gul’dan, while Garona is torn between her loyalties to the noble humans and her people. While I’m still convinced video games just won’t translate in to a good movie, “Warcraft” is still a very good time and a nice bit of escapism.

It’s a mess narrative wise, and is painfully convoluted, but often times I found myself very entertained and intrigued by the conflict of the Orc breed struggling to fight for a new world against a human race. There’s also the themes of religious corruption embedded within the giant walking statues and graphic war scenes, which probably also helped enhance the experience. I won’t argue “Warcraft” is a masterpiece, since it tries and often fails to reach “Game of Thrones” levels of drama and intrigue. In the attempts to be just as adult in its character dynamic and ideas about xenophobia, and warfare, it becomes tough to follow.

The first half hour has a lot of information to disperse to the general broader audience, and I literally had to sit at attention to hopefully absorb what exposition the writers were trying to relay to people that have never been in to the digital world of Azeroth. Much to my surprise I cared about the characters and conflicts. I wanted to see sword wielding hero Lothar stop the impending Orc invasion, all the while uncovering the rising evil tide of his kingdom’s powerful mage. Director Duncan Jones splits the time of the film between the Orcs and humans and turns Durotan in to a very complex hero with his own ideas about what can be gained by invading Azeroth.

All the while Jones stages some fun battle sequences, including a showdown between Lothar and a murderous general in the climax. While not everyone’s performances are top notch, Travis Fimmel is great as Lothar, while Toby Kebbell does a bang up job with his motion capture performance as Durotan. It’s up in the air at the moment if “Warcraft” will continue in to a second part of its epic tale; I’m not ashamed to admit I had a good time, and should we be granted a follow up, I just may return to see how the humans win back Azeroth.

Adventures in Babysitting (1987)

Posted on June 23, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

If there’s anyone who can play a dreamy babysitter seemingly pulled out of a fantasy, it’s Elisabeth Shue. She has the girl next door appeal with the extraordinary beauty that makes her such an interesting heroine in Chris Columbus’ small classic adventure. The 1987 comedy is about as unique as it gets, spawning a bunch of imitators, none of whom can really live up to the enthusiasm and comic timing that Shue, Keith Coogan, and Maia Brewton manage to in a little under eighty minutes time.

Shue plays dreamy eyed Chris Parker, a high school senior in a relationship she doesn’t realize is going South. When she’s let down by her long time boyfriend, she is tasked with babysitting the children of her parents’ friends. Both kids bring their own obstacles to the table for Chris, but her mundane night goes awry when Chris’ best friend Megan is stuck in a bus station, and needs to be picked up. What begins as a simple errand run, transforms in to an all night series of misadventures, prompting Chris to muster up courage, strength, and patience, all the while enduring her young charges.

Along the way, Columbus and writer David Simkins keep “Adventures in Babysitting” brisk and entertaining, offering up a lot of extraordinary scenarios our characters have to seemingly battle out of. Things seem to only get worse for Chris and her group as they also become the target of a ring of car thieves after they accidentally steal a “Playboy” filled with their top secret notes. Simkins writing is raucously fun, always skirting the line between an R rating and a G rating.

The more humorous dangerous encounters are almost always skirting the rating, right down to a gang war that involves a stabbing and Chris having to literally make a stand if she hopes to get everyone off of the train without being killed. Though there is a healthy dose of menace injected, “Adventures in Babysitting” is classic eighties fodder that’s just all out raucous fun for a broad audience. Columbus is never afraid to go off the wall and as a result delivers one very unique and entertaining comedy that has yet to be duplicated.