Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

big-troubleJohn Carpenter takes Clint Eastwood from “Any Which Way But Loose” and drops him smack dab in to the middle of a chopsocky film. The results are not only ingenious, but entertaining, funny, and the movie many movie geeks adore known as “Big Trouble in Little China.” One of the many fish out of water films about inadvertent heroes stumbling in to an extraordinary situation, Carpenter turns to his veteran collaborator Kurt Russell to lead the charge. Even for a film made in 1986, “Big Trouble” is such a resonant and inherently clever film that it’s barely shown its age at all.

Director Carpenter inherently avoids any and all clues that we’re in the middle of the eighties, and brings us in to a time where we’re shifting in between a seventies trucker era, and mystical China. Kurt Russell has a blast the infinitely charming and dashing All American hero Jack Burton. He’s a drifter and lone wolf who happens to find a purpose in the middle of his humdrum life with his big rigs. When his best friend’s wife is kidnapped by a local Chinese gang for the intent of being sold to sex slavery, Jack and friend Wang intend to come to her rescue. In the midst of their mission, they find themselves in a tug of war between two Chinese gangs that have been battling for decades.

“Big Trouble” is never content with just being an action film, and reaches in to the depths of fantasy to deliver one hell of a surreal picture. Carpenter introduces the three magical warriors known as “The Three Storms,” all of whom are servants of the dreaded sorcerer Lo Pan, an evil snake of a man who wields his magic with long sharp nails and a Charlie Chan mustache. With the sacrifice of a beautiful green eyed girl, Lo Pan plans to break an ancient curse and make Wang’s hostage wife his new mate. Russell approaches the role in his usual charisma and charm, as a man who seems awestruck by the world he’s in, even when he’s in extreme danger.

But while Russell takes center stage, he’s more a spectator while director Carpenter allows the seasoned cast of Asian actors to stage the battle of good and evil, and the fight for the souls of their women. James Hong is fantastic as Lo Pan and Disappears in to the serpentine make up, while Dennis Dun and Victor Wong offer stand out performances as the heroic men who battle Lo Pan and his monsters. Much of the special effects still hold up well, since they’re not the primary focus of the film. Much of “Big Trouble” gives way to wonderful martial arts scenes and great choreography, paired with the sensibility of a classic movie serial that never takes itself seriously. “Big Trouble” is one of the many daring and wonky Carpenter films, and one of his few dark comedies that will provide action fans a good laugh, and fun action sequences alike.

It’s a shame we never saw a sequel with the continuing adventures of Jack Burton, but “Big Trouble” works as a stand alone classic that features John Carpenter at his best.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

Countdown to “Man of Steel”!

“Superman IV: The Quest for Peace” is an abomination of the character known as Superman for the reasons that Superman fans know. Superman, above all else, is not supposed to decide the course of human events. Sure, he can stop a bank robbery, or save a drowning child, but he’s not supposed to be stop wars. He can’t stop them, interfere with them, nor can he decide which side he wants to battle on to help win a war beside humanity. The minute Superman fights for nuclear disarmament he no longer becomes a hero for the people, and now becomes a partisan tool. The minute Superman decides to fight for one group, he alienates everyone else.

Continue reading

Roseanne: The Complete Ninth Season (DVD)

Season 9 of “Roseanne:” is one of the most jarring shifts in narrative tone and series concepts I’ve ever seen. Throughout the entire series we’re told time and time again that Dan and Roseanne are humongous fans of two shows: Bonanza and The Beverly Hillbillies. Someone thought it’d be a great idea if the final season of “Roseanne” took off from “The Beverly Hillbillies,” thus betraying every sensibility the show once had. Season 9 is an unwatchable calamity of nonsense.

It varies from really bad comedy to really awful melodrama, and paints its originally lovable characters as parodies of themselves. The once subtly dumb Mark is now a complete and total buffoon, Becky is utterly irrelevant in the skin of the poorly underused Sarah Chalke, DJ is given a boring love interest and suddenly wants to become a filmmaker, and all of the supporting characters are completely idiotic offering no laughs.

Continue reading

Superman III (1983)

Countdown to “Man of Steel”!

For the third installment of the “Superman” movie series, Clark Kent is now Dean Martin and Richard Pryor is Jerry Lewis. Pandering to the comedy crowds, the Salkinds cast Richard Pryor as the villain of the film, Gus Gorman. I don’t know why they couldn’t have cast a bad boy or big action star of the seventies and made him the villain, but what’s done is done. Richard Pryor plays Richard Pryor as Gus Gorman, an out of work computer programmer who becomes the unwitting nemesis to Superman.

Continue reading

Crank: High Voltage (2009)

I’m hesitant to bash anything Jason Statham is in, because I truly hope he continues delivering in solid adult action and thriller vehicles, and doesn’t resort to starring as a disgruntled babysitter in a family vehicle alongside some Disney moppet. In either case, while Statham is always a scene stealer, “Crank: High Voltage” is garbage. And not entertaining garbage like the first film, but garbage that should never have existed.

Continue reading

Girls Gone Dead (2012)

There is nothing worse than a slasher movie that takes forever to get going. Directors Michael Hoffman Jr. and Aaron T. Wells build a film almost two hours long that takes thirty minutes to really get in motion. I’m not averse to watching hot girls jiggle around and play in pools, but you have to give us something more if you’re not going to directly begin hacking characters to death. “Girls Gone Dead” doesn’t enter in to its actual plot until thirty minutes. The first half hour is nothing but filler and bad exposition. Save for a funny cameo from Linnea Quigley, the first half hour easily could have been cut or truncated for pacing.

Continue reading

The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)

The sequel to the Wes Craven horror fantasy completely strips away all pretense of drama and horror, and completely relies on its camp potential. “The Return of Swamp Thing” is more of an action comedy this time around, with Dick Durock returning as the plant man monster who lurks the swamps to fight crime and protect humans from Arcane’s mutant men. This time around Swamp Thing is basically on his own and becomes a more sentient being as he did in his television drama. Now forced to help a new love interest, as played by Heather Locklear, Swamp Thing has an unusual lure with the ladies. Can he procreate or engage in sexual activities? Who knows?

Continue reading