Video Game Movies That Should Have Rocked

It’s a common rule of nature. Games based on movies always suck, while movies based on games, also always suck. But hey, we know where studios are coming from. If a game is making millions and becoming a pop culture smash, then it’s only fitting a movie would have to be made. The problem is there’s yet to be a good movie that’s been adapted from a great video game. Deny it all you want, but let’s be honest, even “Mortal Kombat,” while cool, just wasn’t faithful to the game. It was PG-13, Shang Tsung was a younger man, and the movie is very cheesy these days.

Like everything pop culture related, fans simply will not be able to agree on an idea for a movie, nor will they all enjoy what the adaptation is, even if by some miracle it happens to be a masterpiece of filmmaking, but these are the movies as they are, and all of them are really bad. In honor of the upcoming “Prince of Persia” and “Street Fighter” adaptations, we’re exploring the slew of bad video game movies, and what we wanted. Hey, we’re not going to pretend you’ve never seen this list before but we just had to get our licks in before the next big screen adaptations on film appears and possibly changes the way we think of video game movies. Hey it could happen. It’s got to happen sooner or later, doesn’t it? And hey, maybe you’ll see a choice here that just may steam you up some.

Let us know what you think and which movies we should have included.

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NinjaTown: Adventures of the Wee Ninja Volume 1

ninjatown“Ninjatown” is almost exactly like Mr. Men, except that the Mr. Men here are all ninjas, and their enemies are Zombie Ninjas and Wee Devil’s, hand shape monsters who invent devious schemes like destroying the Ninjatown with giant Waffles. Si, giant waffles! “Ninjatown” has no dialogue, no story, no arc, and almost no mythos, and I was able to read the entire 46 pages (or volume 1, as it were) in fifteen minutes.

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The Big Bang Theory: The Complete First Season (DVD) (2008)

“The Big Bang Theory” had every chance to fail. It was a forgettable premise, a formula concept and really didn’t look to offer up anything new. And yet it ended up being really good and addictive. I watched the pilot when it premiered and stuck with it because in spite of the broad comedy, cheesy gimmick, and pretty exhausting pop culture references, it’s an amusing and charming sitcom with some good laughs in store if you want to give it a chance.

And as the season went on the little things started to really respond to fans. I like how the broken elevator has now become a character all in its own with a hint of realism. I like how Jim Parson’s character has become a staple of the show with episodes just not the same without him.

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Scarlet Fry's Horrorama (1990)

horrorama-frontGreat news everyone, the 1990 cult classic “Scarlet Fry’s Horrorama” is finally available on DVD after so many years! What’s “Scarlet Fry’s Horrorama,” you ask? I don’t know. Oh and I checked around the internet and no one seems to know either. So either the Matrix is on the blink and the agents have destroyed any and all evidence of the great “Scarlet Fry’s Horrorama,” or… this great news I’m reading about on the press kit is only great to the folks that made this film. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just I don’t like the pretense that something is rare and precious when it really isn’t.

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CJ7 (2008)

CJ7 (2008)I’d like to tell you that “CJ7” is Stephen Chow’s answer to “E.T.” but as we all have come to know, Chow would never be about providing ordinary kids entertainment that we’ve seen before. “CJ7” may have the same formula when you get down to it, but Chow gives his own spin on it and it works. It’s a healthy dose of menace, adult edge, and over the top fantasy that has become a dead art in family films and director Chow takes every chance to flex those elements with his own take on the boy meets alien tale. On the flipside, Chow also tries to tell a genuinely emotional tale about a poor down on their luck and father and son struggling to get by living in a junk yard and eating day old food, while character Dickey’s dad always tries to teach him about life and how there are simply no short cuts. Especially when you’re poor.

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Movies That Age Poorly: Nine Months (1995)

Julianne-Moore-Hugh-Grant_lDirected by Chris Columbus
Written by Chris Columbus

Growing up in an avidly religious household and being basically forced in to committing to ceremonies like Communion and Sunday school, you’re given a lot of different messages that are hardly ever second guessed. When you’re a child you’re fed a lot of crap because often you’re just too young to try to contradict or argue an adult’s lesson. And if you do, you’re often disciplined for doing so, so all attempts are rendered irrelevant. All my childhood, I was told that the true key to happiness is having children and not questioning your beliefs. “Nine Months” is that movie I didn’t realize was a pro life manifesto that passive aggressively pushes religious undertones on its audience. The subtle themes come through loud and clear after watching it for the first time in years, and it’s a shame such a trite commentary was considered prime comedy when released.

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Lost Boys: The Tribe (2008)

lost-boys-2-01You know originally there was supposed to be a sequel to “The Lost Boys” or at least an allusion to one in the original script for Schumacher’s vampire comedy that revealed the origins of Max, and that there were many, many more lost boys and girls out there looking to do his death some justice. Frankly, I would have preferred “The Lost Girls” a movie I pictured as a vampire thriller with less comedy and an all star cast of young female actresses currently taking Hollywood by storm. That was about six years ago. “Lost Boys: The Tribe” is that sequel I wouldn’t have completely wanted, but found reason to anticipate it anyway. I think that there could have been much more added to “The Tribe” to make it feel fresh and unique.

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