Masters of Horror: Valerie on the Stairs

Being an aspiring writer, knowing aspiring writers, and being apart of a world filled with aspiring writers, “Valerie on the Stairs” was really an interesting installment that spoke about how ideas and imagination can tend to die with a horrible writer, and on how some ideas can be housed somewhere. In “Valerie on the Stairs,” we visit a home for aspiring writers whose own abode has become the breeding ground for a monster who perhaps may be a figment of imagination taken shape. Garris’ installment is a provoking little humdinger, with slight shades of subtlety, explore the condition of being a writer and the suffering that becomes apart of it. What happens when unfulfilled imagination manifests and rebels violently against its creators?

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Cinema Crazed's Worst 10 of 2006…

10. The Lake House
Yet another cheesy marketing ploy. Watch the cardboard cut out and America’s Sweetheart who hasn’t had a hit in years team again to star in one of the stupidest most absurd romance dramas ever made. A man communicates with a woman through a mailbox that can travel two years into the future. Why such a weird number? Who knows. Regardless, the time differences are barely noticable, the entire film is soapy, and the mailbox becomes an irrelevant plot device in the second half as suddenly, these two get the power to change time to fit their romance. Goody. Correction: Crappy.

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The Roost (2004)

roostWhat are bats? Flying rats who shit on you while flying off. What is “The Roost”? A flying piece of shit. Same difference, don’t you think? Actually, when I finished “The Roost,” I think watching seventy minutes of stock footage with bats would have been much more thrilling than Ti West’s horror indie. I can just imagine the brain storming for this junk with West trying to sell it:

Producer: So, what’s it about?
West: Four people on the road…
Producer: Oh god.
West: Discover an abandoned farm house.
Producer: Oh geez.
West: Will you let me finish?
Producer: Fine.
West: They discover an abandoned farm house, and are attacked by ravenous bats!
Producer: Okay…?
West: And they flutter, and tear your face apart! Gah!
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Pan’s Labyrinth (El Laberinto Del Fauno) (2006)

In a world filled with boy wizards, and dragons, every time I think the fantasy world is dead, there’s always someone who swoops in to reclaim the throne and show us that indeed the fantasy genre is still alive and well. All it needs is much imagination and no derivation. It’s not a hard concept to grasp, and it’s not a hard task to accomplish. Every time I receive an opposing argument on that declaration, two words will come from my lips: “Pan’s Labyrinth.” This would be the part where I’d compare this to fodder like “Legend,” and “Alice in Wonderland,” but Del Toro’s film is one of its own kind. Much like Del Toro’s previous “The Devil’s Backbone,” “Pan’s Labyrinth” is unlike anything you can imagine watching.

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Masters of Horror: Screwfly Solution

What the hell is going on here? Did all the directors from season one meet up in a room and decide that they would turn up the heat this time around? Because season two of “Masters of Horror” has been one big punch in the gut, and I’m surprised. Dante, who came at us with my favorite episode “Homecoming,” repeats his one-two punch with “Screwfly Solution” an utterly violent and original picture of the apocalypse. I have a soft spot for films or television that paints the apocalypse or post-apocalypse, and “Screwfly Solution” is a fascinating story about the line between sexual aggression and aggression thinning into a gory result. How does this happen?

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Masters of Horror: Pelts

I am not one who is all about the gore. Granted, I loves me some blood splatter, and I’m not opposed to torture, but I also like it when it’s accompanied by a story, or at least engaging characters. “Pelts” essentially doesn’t have compelling characters, but the story is entertaining. I was not a fan of Dario Argento’s prior effort, “Jenifer.” I thought it was bland, Stephen Weber’s performance was cartoonish, and the climax was brutally predictable. “Pelts” is a step up in the gore department, and in the plot. It takes the concepts of furs turning against the people holding them, and never exhausts itself. “Pelts” pulls out all the stops, not only in the gore, but in the grueling scenes of self-mutilation, and it’s typical Argento. Meatloaf plays a vicious and rather slimy fur buyer who works his factory workers to the bone, and aspires for quality.

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Watch Me (2006)

watchm6The recent craze of Asian horror inspired films has been one I’ve not been most accepting of, mostly because half of them aren’t very good to begin with. Some are dramas painted as horror (Dark Water), and some are just remade into horrible films (Pulse), but I’m always willing to watch a horror film inspired by the trend and see if it lands on its feet or falls flat and breaks its neck. “Watch Me” has all the basic elements of an Asian horror film. Creepy ghost, mysterious object inspiring mysterious deaths, and of course a modern medium used as a facilitator.

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