Taking every bit and piece it can from “Slaughter High,” 2001’s painfully bland and tedious “Valentine” examines what happens when you fuck a nerd in the ass. At a school dance for Valentine’s Day, young Jeremy Melton experiences endless rejection from his classmates during the dance and braves the social experience anyway. After young Dorothy Wheeler sets him up to become the target of school bullies, Jeremy is never heard from again and becomes fodder for the group of girls later in their lives. I always assumed horror films were supposed to focus on likable characters. If not, there should be at least one or two likable characters you can connect with. “Valentine” works against such an effort focusing on four of the most vapid and utterly despicable young girls ever written, all of whom are stuck up rich snobs just asking to be brutally slaughtered.
Tag Archives: Mystery
Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge (1991) [Blu-Ray]
“Toulon’s Revenge” is by far the best of the “Puppet Master” movies and the peak of the series. After the third installment, the series pretty much spiraled in to abysmal depths. “Toulon’s Revenge” is a smartly crafted revenge tale that takes a step back in the mythos and discovers Toulon’s life. Where parts one and two explored the evil of the puppets and madness of Toulon, “Toulon’s Revenge” is a prequel that explores a time where Toulon was a noble genius, and his puppets an innocent group of anti-heroes. With “Toulon’s Revenge,” director David Couteau manages to comprise a strong back story for Toulon, whose entire hatred toward humanity and lunacy is given a rhyme and a reason, thanks to his battle with the Nazis, and the officer that takes the life of his wise.
Puppet Master II (1991) [Blu-Ray]
For reasons I can’t possibly understand, the subtitle “His Unholy Creations” has been taken off the title for “Puppet Master II,” and now it’s just “Puppet Master II.” Which is a shame, considering “His Unholy Creations” is a fine summary of the film’s entire premise. A direct follow-up to the first film, “His Unholy Creations” is a notch above the first film with a better story, thicker tension, and much more interesting grue. The characters of Toulon’s puppets are also given a clearer definition and motive. As well, they’re given a larger screen time, allowing them to wreak pure havoc on all kinds of hapless humans and really causing intense pain.
Popcorn (1991)
There aren’t many movies that come along every so often like “Popcorn,” but it’s safe to say long before “Scream” stomped in to theaters to pay tribute to the classic horror tropes, movies like Mark Herrier’s “Popcorn” came and showed audiences how to do it first and better. Which is not to say “Popcorn” is as landmark as “Scream” was. In fact it’s about as unremarkable as any old shelf filler from the eighties. But for a film that came along during the death of the slasher genre in the early nineties, it’s a safe bet that “Popcorn” will whet the appetites of anyone looking for an eighties romp in the cinema with some classic devices of the slasher and mystery genre.
Puppet Master X: Axis Rising (2012)
For once, a new “Puppet Master” movie has a plot all on its own and offers little to no clips from the previous films as filler. I was certain there’d be a segue in to a clip show, but thankfully “Axis Rising” presents something of a plot and events. As well as mythos evolution. Taking place directly after “Axis of Evil,” the villainous Ozu is caught by the Nazis and killed once her puppets are discovered in her bag. Poor Tunneler is caught by the Nazis after he murders one of the officers, and hoping to figure out Toulon’s formula, they bring him to master scientist Freuhoffer, who hopes to use the formula for his own benefit. Evil Nazi officer Moebius plans to turn rebels in to his own army of puppet soldiers, but is finding little success with gory results. With Tunneler dissected and the scientist learning the secrets, the Nazi’s just may be able to form their own army of deadly puppets.
I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)
After watching the incredibly over the top performances in “I Know What You Did Last Summer,” I’m suddenly not so shocked that subsequent this film, the four stars of this slasher never actually amounted to much cinematically. Not to be cruel or anything, but where as most slashers suffer from an abundance of bad acting, this film attempts to sap melodramatic performances from its four stars. That means a lot of shouting, and screaming, and attempted self-aware jabs at the horror genre. Ryan Phillippe in particular sounds like he’s auditioning for drama class as the testosterone laced Barry who runs around screeching at every character for the first fifteen minutes of the film. The incredibly loose almost pointless adaptation of the Lois Duncan novel “I Know What You Did Last Summer” stars a cadre of nineties stars trying their best to mine the gold left behind by Kevin Williamson’s “Scream.”
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)
Jeffery Combs, John Hawkes, a dreadlocked Jack Black with a heavy inexplicable Jamaican accent, you’d be pretty stupid not to watch this at least once in your lifetime. “I Still Know” this times seems to embrace the inherent stupidity of the film’s premise and completely wraps itself around the film’s utter moronic plot elements and red herrings at every turn. Replacing the bland Sarah Michelle Gellar is the even blander hip hop star Brandy, who is protagonist Julie’s on again, off again best friend and roommate Karla. Julie is back (apparently that final scene in the first film was a dream or something) and now in college. She has a nasty habit of waking up screaming in class, thanks to her recurring nightmares of the evil sailor man so obviously not a lot of people in her school want to be around her.