The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 (1986)

From what I’ve read, Tobe Hooper pretty much had to make a sequel to his masterpiece “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” in order to make films he wanted. And the sequel to his slasher classic is exactly the type of film Hooper has to make, It’s forced, tired, and a complete retread of the original film. To add to the utter lack of entertainment value, there’s even plots that are completely unresolved or unfinished that I would have enjoyed seeing explored expanded just to give this film the feeling that it was an extension of the first film rather than just a retread.

In spite of the family hiding in the outskirts of Texas and hunting travelers for meals, now we learn that the head of their family is a local celebrity thanks to his entering of his prize winning chili and wonderful meat that he keeps a secret. Dennis Hopper is Lefty, a mysterious cowboy hunting the cannibal family and trying to uncover their secrets and put an end to their chaos. And in the opening the two unlucky schmucks that get killed by Leatherface are dismissed as accidents, in spite of one of the two getting his head sawed off. Nothing is ever really expanded or realized beyond these nuggets of ideas.

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Zombieland: The Series

KRYnaQJ“Zombieland” seeks to be the antidote for folks still clamoring for a zombie television series, but hate the drama and politics of “The Walking Dead.” Where as Robert Kirkman’s pop culture smash is more of an adult take, “Zombieland” takes all of the best road trip movies and adds some zombies for good measure. Folks claiming this is an attempt to market off of “The Walking Dead” are half right. Originally “Zombieland” was pitched to every studio as a weekly series, but when it was turned down left and right, it was transformed in to a horror comedy feature film that would hopefully transform in to a movie series. When Woody Harrelson pulled out of ever playing hero Tallahassee again while stars Emma Watson and Jessie Eisenberg’s careers took off, the hopes of having a “Zombieland” movie series collapses.

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Army of Darkness (1992)

xHU2TXQWhen last we saw Ash Williams in “Evil Dead II,” he was at the butt hole end of a massive portal to hell and could do nothing but hope and pray for the best. In spite of battling the demonic menace in his deserted cabin in the woods for the second time, he unfortunately could only hope the demonic menace within this wormhole would display mercy on him. Or at least let its guard down long enough to allow Ash an escape. Little did he know he’d land in 1300 AD among a culture of people desperately in need of a savior.

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Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987)

The sequel to “The Evil Dead” is once again what happens when Sam Raimi has little and can do so much with it. As director, Raimi finds new ways to enthrall the viewer and add a new appendage to the “Evil Dead” series without ruining the former film. “Dead by Dawn” acts as a sequel and a pseudo-remake, that recaps the original film in a brevity, and then proceeds to follow along with the journey of Ash Williams. Becoming the accidental hero in many ways, Ash is a man tasked with fighting the demonic beings of the necronomicon, not because he chooses to, but because he simply can’t escape their grasp.

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Pet Sematary Two (1992)

While Mary Lambert’s “Pet Sematary” was nothing but a melodramatic exercise in tedium that put the actual center of the film in the background in favor of endless moaning and groaning about inept parents, her follow-up puts the sematary front and center. And still pretty much misses the point of it all. The 1992 follow-up is ugly, mean-spirited and still lacks any dread or menace to it. Not to mention there’s an immense focus on animal cruelty that’s often tough to sit through. In the end, it also fails to recognize the lure of the sematary and why these idiots continue bringing their loved ones to it to revive the dead. Once again the sematary is still there.

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Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (2010)

Bloodrayne-3-Pic-1What is Uwe Boll’s obsession with the holocaust? First he sets this new “Bloodrayne” snore fest in the holocaust and has the gall to try for his own Holocaust documentary. This from the man who created “Blubberella.” In any consolation Natassia Malthe is still very sexy as Rayne and has the same charisma as the former Rayne Kristanna Loken, never missing a beat. Rayne still looks like a hardcore cosplayer lost in a time warp, though. So in the midst of soldiers and World War II, she looks incredibly out of place. Where does she get all of that leather?

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Grease 2 (1982)

When I was a kid one of my favorite movies on constant rotation was “Grease.” It’s still one of the most entertaining movies I’ve ever seen, and downright spectacular adaptation of one of the most interesting stage musicals ever introduced to audiences. Upon discovering there was a “Grease 2,” I was ecstatic. Another chapter to one of the most bad ass movies ever made? It’s too good to be true. It was during the middle of the opening number to “Grease 2” that my excitement dropped down to an immediate disappointment and I struggled through what is easily one of the cheapest and worst sequels ever devised.

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