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Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre (2016) [Blu-Ray]

sharkansasblurayThe consistent utterance of Dominique Swain’s character to herself of “Crap on a Cracker,” just about sums up Jim Wynorski’s latest turkey that mixes “Con Air” and “Tremor.” No doubt tailor made for airing on late night cable television, “Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre” is a goofy PG-13 crime thriller with a bunch of land roving sharks that apparently make their victims explode upon contact. This is the kind of movie cable television dreams of. It stars a host of gorgeous women, many of who scamper around in conveniently handy bikinis, and whose prison garb are short shorts and clinging tank tops. They also never actually have sex or drop F bombs.

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NSFA: Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue (1990)

Allstars1Growing up in the nineties, I would watch cartoons all day long during the weekdays; hell I pulled seven hours at school and was a grade A TV junkie, so I watched a ton of television. During the cartoons, between the toy and candy commercials, there were about thirty anti-drug and alcohol PSA’s played between the hours of three and six. Hey, mock me all you want, but those PSA’s worked and worked well on me. It’s not enough that I always found the idea of drug use disgusting, but the PSA’s that would air on television scared me straight, just as they intended.

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Total Performance (2015)

totalperformanceDirector and Writer Sean Meehan’s drama is so well written and original I wouldn’t have minded watching three hours of the story of character Cori working her way through her unusual career. Cori Sweeney is an aspiring actress who works for the private company Total Performance. Personally hired, she works with clients to help them learn how to argue and deal with conflict that typically involves firings, and individuals breaking up with their significant others.

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Dirty Books (2016)

Dirty-Books“Dirty Books” is really one of those short films that could have benefitted from a longer format, or at least twenty more minutes of story. On its own, it’s a pretty solid drama comedy about a young students’ last grasp to instill some sense of relevance and popularity in his soon to be defunct school newspaper. Noah Bailey plays David, a young reporter who is called in to his principal’s office to discuss the inevitable death of the school newspaper.

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How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town (2016)

howtoplanIt’s pretty remarkable how so many good actors can be in such a sub-par unfunny situation comedy. It’s also pretty surprising how a movie centered around sex and orgies really ends about as blandly and vanilla as pound cake. “How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town” is yet another of those slice of life dramas, where a city bound thirty something protagonist goes back to their old town to re-visit the ghosts of their past and discover something about themselves. We saw it in “Garden State,” “Beautiful Girls,” “Junebug,” and about a hundred other dramas since the early nineties.

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Bedeviled [Kim Bok-nam salinsageonui jeonmal] (2010)

bedevilledI’ve never seen such a soul sucking and soul crushing film as “Bedeviled” in my life. That’s not at all a negative remark about Jang Cheol-soo’s drama thriller. It’s just my warning that if you go in to “Bedeviled,” be prepared for a film with absolutely no silver lining or hopeful plot twist. Like “Martyrs,” it’s a trip down the darkside of humanity, but you know, unlike “Martyrs,” this is a great film from beginning to end. It’s not often that Asian revenge pictures are given a sensationalist tone, but Cheol-soo’s drama is gut wrenching and really offers a glimpse at a small chunk of the world where sadness is pretty much a way of life.

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The Boy (2016)

BOY2016I would only suggest “The Boy” to folks that are quite fond of Lauren Cohan and want to see her dip her toes in to the horror genre yet again. It’s honestly the only reason why I bothered with “The Boy.” While director William Brent Bells‘s film has a neat concept, the premise quickly runs out of steam and the writers almost seem to scramble for a way to stay ahead of the audience and come up with a neat twist they simply weren’t expecting. Seriously, I would have preferred they gone down the road I was hoping they would, rather than drop this completely goofy plot twist in the climax that simply made no sense whatsoever.

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