What do you know, after a long break, “Masters of Horror” returns. With a season of ups and downs, and mostly downs, the premiere is backed by the one and only Tobe Hooper whose last entry “Dance of the Dead” left much to be desired in terms of intelligence, coherency, and all around entertainment value. “Masters of Horror” was a season of safe scares, and that’s a shame. Is this season premiere any better? Yes. Yes it really is. “The Damned Thing” has everything that was missing from the first season. There is a substantial amount of engrossing story, wonderful characterization, a stern tone, and cogent direction a la Hooper who rebounds from the abysmal “Dance of the Dead.” After his father goes on a violent fit of rage suddenly, killing his mother on his birthday, Kevin Reddle, now a sheriff, is preparing for “the damned thing” to come, but how prepared is he?
Category Archives: Halloween Horror Month
The Initiation of Sarah (2006)
ABC Family’s “The Initiation of Sarah” isn’t an awful quasi-horror film, it’s just incredibly weak and bland. It’s never intentionally a very weak film, it’s just so lost in its own attempts to mimic a certain show about yakking women that it can’t find its own niche. What do you expect from a movie whose heroine has sex to prevent from being sacrificed as a virgin? “The Initiation of Sarah” is like a harder edged “Sabrina,” it’s a PG-13 “Suspiria,” and while that’s not always a bad thing, it’s just never interesting enough to warrant my full attention.
Feast (2005)
So, after an okay last season of “Project Greenlight” with Cleftatron Affleck, and Dimples Damon you probably wonder: “Did they actually spit a good movie from this show?” Well, I’ll say this: Even the goose shits a few times before laying a golden egg, and “Feast” is shockingly the golden egg after the two previous shits that were “The Battle of Shaker Heights” and “Stolen Summer.” Shocked? I still am. A group of strangers, the middle of nowhere, a rundown bar, a grizzled bartender, and an ass load of monsters. Sound familiar to you, doesn’t it?
Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film (2006)
For me, “Going to Pieces” was like a wet dream, it was a pastiche of all the aspect of horror that I love and hate, and for ninety minutes, I was enjoying the hell out of myself. It’s true, the horror genre, and horror fans get a bad rap, and both are often demonized by the religious, the media, and any self-righteous parent with a desire to be a celebrity, and “Going to Pieces,” tackles those aspects of the genre along with paying homage to the sub-genre I hold dear to my ripped heart.
Rest Stop (2006)
A cell phone that isn’t working, a gritty rest stop, no phone in sight, a bitchy wife, an inept husband, a mysterious man behind the wheel of a car, and a lot of screaming. Well, now that we have all the clichés in order, let’s make a movie! “Rest Stop” wants to be “Wolf Creek,” it wishes it were “The Hitcher,” it vies to be “Duel,” but in reality it’s not even as good as “Joy Ride.” If this is what we’re getting from direct to video, I’m shocked that I’m still a horror fan. “Rest Stop” is a sloppy hackneyed piece of dribble that derives much of its plot from different survivalist horror films only to be called a survivalist horror film.
Pervert! (2005)
Yudis’ film is fun. More fun than it has the right to be. And I suggest “Pervert!” for fans of Troma, horror, comedy, Sam Raimi, porn, Mary Carey, Russ Meyer, big breasts, sex, women, John Waters, big breasts, hot women, big breasts, good taste, and yes, big breasts. Did I enjoy “Pervert!” only on those terms? Yes. And what’s wrong with that? “Pervert!” is a film where you shut off the big brain, and let the little brain do its magic, and I can guarantee any red blooded hetero male, and or lesbian, will utterly enjoy the romps. Not to mention the shameless flaunting of sexy as hell Mary Carey as a trophy wife, Juliette Clarke as a very hot nurse, and Sally Jean as a Cuban antagonist with a wide smile, all of whom suffer the fate of the mysterious monster roaming the desert in search of… well, you’ll discover it for yourself.
Alien 51 (2004)
[In reference to our main character Cleo]
Randy: Does she seem a little off to you?
Officer: She’s hot, Randy. She can be as off as she wants.
It’s a pretty safe bet that “Alien 51” is quite possibly one of the worst science fiction monster movies I’ve ever seen. I challenge you to find something else so creatively impotent, so utterly derivative, and so nonsensical as the movie I spent ninety minutes drudging and fast-forwarding through. Nothing in this film makes the slightest lick of sense, and it’s clear that either the script was horribly done, or the directors lost so much money, they literally spent the second half simply winging it, coming up with a remaining plot that is so stupid. You know a movie is desperate when it’s biggest star is Heidi Fleiss, you know a movie is desperate when it boasts “Starring Heidi Fleiss”, and you know a movie is desperate when its big attempted draw-in was a has been model who appears as a mustache twirling villainess.