Mirrormask (2005)

mirrormask-movie-2005“Dreams only get you so far. And then you need cash.”

When “Pan’s Labyrinth” was released last year, it was shortly compared to “Mirrormask” the basic story of a dreamy young girl who is pulled into a fantasy world. Gaiman’s fantasy masterpiece sadly only experienced a limited release in the US with a quick DVD release that fooled many in to thinking it was another ho-hum fantasy installment vying for classic status, but if you look for it it’s a basically incredible and understated bit of cinematic fantasy fare only Gaiman could have delivered. But thankfully that comparison to Del Toro’s film was very short lived. In the end, I prefer “Pan’s Labyrinth” but that’s not to say “Mirrormask” isn’t without its sheer strengths.

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Shrek 2 (2004)

The question always is: was there really a need for a sequel? The answer is no, but when there’s money to be made, Hollywood will do anything to make sure there’s another film no matter how pointless, or awful if it’s mildly successful. I liked “Shrek”, I thought it was a one of a kind animated comedy that was actually funny. Then I watched “Shrek 2” and was appropriately disappointed. I went in to this movie with a lot of optimism because I liked the original film so much, but this was just a lagging effort, and it becomes painfully clear within thirty minutes in this movie that the producers and all the stars got big fat pay raises to come back for this.

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Undiscovered (2005)

undiscovered-2005So by the logic present here, if you take a picture with a huge star, you will, in effect, become one yourself. Wondering what the hell this movie is? You’re not alone. It’s not a big coincidence “Undiscovered” has been undiscovered by almost every movie goer in America. It’s a piece of crap. Pure and simple. I mean, can you really expect quality from a film that’s relied on a steady campaign of “It stars Ashlee Simpson” to get the word out about the production? Yes, “Undiscovered” is a horrible movie, and for many reasons. But one of the reasons is that it’s so utterly insulting, even as a fairytale of stardom.

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Stan Lee Presents: The Condor (2007)

thecondorWhat Stan Lee has basically done here is create his very own Spider-Man. With the Condor, we have a basically privileged young man whose life is really in need of a boost. When his parents die, he is rendered basically crippled after being attacked, and becomes a superhero. One that talks the villains to death to piss them off. The Condor is basically the equivalent of the Spider-Man rogue Rocket Racer with a mixture of that lame superhero from the nineties: MANTIS.

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The Grudge 2 (2006)

03The curse gathers in the next place of death, says the opening subtitles. You just have to love how such a nice house is considered a place of death. Give me a nice house with a ghost over my current apartment any day of the week. Now that’s a horror movie. While “Ju-On” was a pleasant horror flick, I am one of many who thought “The Grudge” was simply a horrible movie. Void of any atmosphere, and completely missing the point of the original, turning Kayako into a run of the mill monster, as opposed to her actual purpose in the original. Well, here’s the sequel, and it’s actually no different. It’s repetitive, it feels like three hours, and there’s really no character you can root for.

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Prison-A-Go-Go! (2003)

prisonagogoninjaI have no aversion to women in prison movies. No, sir, I do not. I happen to enjoy good schlock when it’s done well, and I happen to enjoy flicks like “Cellblock Sisters.” When I caught wind of “Prison A-Go-Go!”, I was utterly intrigued. It’s not often you get a movie that’s intended to be schlock these days. Some directors just make bad movies and pretend its schlock, and many attempt schlock but fail miserably. “Prison A-Go-Go!” gets it right most of the time. “

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Brick (2005)

Like much of the neo-noir that has graced our screens both in a contemporary, and period setting, “Brick” begins at the end. As we’ve seen in the device exemplified in “Sunset Boulevard,” we begin right at the tail end of the mystery. Where is Brendan’s ex-girlfriend Emily (Emile DeRavin is both unlikable, and heartbreaking)? What I can tell you is that most audiences for this film won’t even realize that Johnson is paying homage to some of the greatest noir films ever made. From outright nods to Humphrey Bogart, and films like “The Maltese Falcon,” there are many elements with the same basic premise. Johnson never fills his audience in, but they’re watching noir set in modern times.

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