John Tucker Must Die (2006)

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Dear Brittany Snow,

I love you. And I want you to know it. I’ve loved you since “American Dreams”, and have ever since. I’d gladly listen to a continuous loop of “Secret Lover” as sung by Kevin Federline, and William Hung just to have the chance to eat grapes off of your ass crack and confess my unrequited love to thee while you parade yourself in the red silk lingerie you’re featured in midway. Yes, this is true. And I’m not ashamed to admit it. You say creepy, but I say lovelorn. I’m only human, damn it!

And we’re back.

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Silent Hill (2006)

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Rose_looks_around_for_SharoChristophe Gans’ depiction of the “Silent Hill” video game is really above dreck like “Doom” and “Resident Evil”. It’s a very popular series of games that are basically just a woman looking for her daughter in the ghost infested abandoned town, as she battles demons and tries to decrypt a mystery. Instead of adhering to the game and letting its formulas trap it down, it instead attempts to break out. It sticks true to the source material and also delves deep into focusing on an actual story and deep characterization in spite of its failings. Though there’s yet to be an actual video game adaptation that’s been fantastic, “Silent Hill” works because it dares to challenge its conventions of the video game world.

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In Memorium (2005)

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inmemorium-posterDirector Amanda Gusack creates a film very much in the vein of “Blair Witch Project”, and from the get go there’s this sense of pure dread and impending doom that’s presented with a stark gray ambiance. The character Dennis is dying from terminal bone cancer that is eating away at his body. He and his wife (the gorgeous Johanna Watts) move into a new home they then rig with various cameras to film every one of his developments and movements to chronicle and possibly create as a documentary for his legacy and his wife to bank off of. But this documenting is interrupted with something ever more sinister.

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Monster House (2006)

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MV5BMTQyNzM3MTYyMl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwMjYyOTY2._V1_SX640_SY720_It’s amazing what great voice acting, engaging characters, and wonderful animation can do for a film, isn’t it? When all is said and done “Monster House” is enough of a horror film to please the open-minded horror fan, and enough of a children’s film to keep them utterly entertained. I admit to writing off “Monster House” upon its arrival, only because while the film is wonderful, the story isn’t exactly original (ahem—Robert Wise’s “The Haunting”, anyone?), but the combination of a strong script, and truly down to Earth characters make “Monster House” a short but very entertaining piece of horror fantasy that reaches down into really human themes of loneliness, death, and puberty. What many will enjoy about this film is that it’s very much in the spirit of classics like “The Monster Squad” and “The Goonies”, in which we have a small group of kids whom are also outcasts that have to take on a giant obstacle when no one will stand in and help them out.

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The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

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R6byriLRule number one: Casting one of the most irritating actors of all time in a sequel to one of my favorite movies of all time is not a wise move, and is right earning of an old fashioned smack down. The newest craperrific sequel to one of the best films I’ve ever seen earns itself a place in my shit list casting Eddie Furlong as the hero. Furlong is just not hero material, and that’s one of the many mistakes of “Wicked Prayer”. It’s bad enough everyone here looks bored as hell, but Furlong’s character Jimmy Cuervo is a boring man who has no characterization.

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Ultimate Avengers 2 (2006)

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I was a little less forgiving for the sequel of “Ultimate Avengers” mainly because it was a sequel and I expected a lot from it, and mostly because it was so utterly disappointing. People whom have been following the “Ultimate Avengers” story, will be surprised to see that there are twists aplenty including some deaths of very important characters that could decide the fate of them all, and lead to rather sinister developments—but if you’ve read the comics, then you know what happens. Meanwhile, the animation is still rather excellent, especially since it’s darker and yet just as colorful as we previously remember. “Ultimate Avengers 2” is a lot of fun to look, but not suggested for kids. I wanted more of a story, more linear characterization, more personality, and I received just more of the first film. Surely, this adds a new character attempting to mix-up the chemistry and conflict, but it’s just a copy of the first in the end.

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Suburban Sasquatch (2005)

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I don’t care if you’re independent or big budget, all-star or aspiring actor, first time director or veteran director, comedy is hard, it’s very hard, and more often than not, chances are you’re just not going to ace a comedy film. “Suburban Sasquatch” misses the target in every conceivable manner, because it’s never coherent or fluid. It never follows a coherent storyline, and even the worst of horror comedies make sense. Not a lick of what’s here makes the slightest bit of sense. “Suburban Sasquatch” really has a lot going for it, but never delivers in what it promises. The dialogue is inaudible, the characters are boring, and the plot rarely ever holds together.

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