See, here’s the thing with this movie that threw me for a loop, something that I was shocked at, there is inevitably a difference between the first half and second half of the movie. There is so much of a difference between the first and second half that it makes the two split “XX/XY” feel like two movies. Much like the recent film I’ve seen, “Club Dread” which had such trouble mixing two elements it felt like two movies, “XX/XY” suffers from what I now have created called “two movie syndrome”. What’s two movie syndrome, well it’s a film in which the first half and the second half are so different that it feels like two movies, so I’m stuck with the unfortunate duty of reviewing two movies, the first half and the second half which are so different in color, tone, texture and dialogue, that I was so shocked when the second half approached and it was inevitably a rip of “Sex, Lies, and Videotape”, in a good way, and then there was the first half.
Miracle (2004)
It’s one of the most amazing stories in sports, the stuff that legends are made of, and it’s a riveting underdog tale whether you’re sports fan or not. The king was dead, there was an oil crisis and the nation was basically in turmoil, until the story of this one Olympic hockey team took the world by storm and gave the nation just a little hope that is sorely was in need of. I’m what people call “Not a sports fan” (made that up myself), so it’s never usually on my list of things to do when sports movies come out, but for “Miracle” I was intrigued. Simply for the fact that this wasn’t just a sports story, it was an underdog tale, a tale of hope in a time without it, and a tale of people coming together to take on their enemy on the ice.
Exorcist: The Beginning (2004)
“The Exorcist” is my favorite horror movie of all time and to this day no matter how much I see it, it’s still the most intelligent, character based horror film I’ve ever seen; the rest of the series? Not so favorite of mine, but regardless, after a lot of hype about this movie and the constant problems, we’re given this. After nearly five years of filming and constant problems (Original director dying, Original star dropping out, and so forth), this film basically bombed big time with both critics and movie-goers despite moderate success in the box-office. The original director Paul Schrader — who was kicked off the production (You’re morons Hollywood execs) in favor of Renny Harlin (Again, morons!) — directed his own version before being forced off, and while I imagine it can’t be as bad as this, I hope it’s at least an improvement.
Uptown Girls (2003)
The main flaw of “Uptown Girls” despite being, well, a bad movie, is that it’s never sure what type of movie it wants to be. While it’s geared toward the younger female crowd, should it be? With a basic adult theme and many complex adult issues that are dealt with within the story, would girls even understand what was going on other than knowing Fanning’s character is spoiled? Ultimately, what’s sad about this movie, is that the pig has a lot more charisma and likeable aspects than any of the other actors in this, and boy can it act! Hot damn. Seriously though, it’s hard not to find Dakota Fanning adorable. She’s a very good actress for her age and most of the time I enjoy her acting in the movies.
Abandon (2002)
This is a movie that is so murky, so dark and so dreadful on the eyes that it’s remarkable if the viewer sits all the way through up until the last moments. There are a whole lot of nonsense here you have to sit through until you get to it, and by then you’re not surprised because you’ve either been so bored you gave up on caring, or you fell asleep. “Abandon”, despite its marketing, is a drama, not horror, not thriller, no sir. The worst thing is this tries desperately hard to pass itself off as horror or at least a decent supernatural thriller. Only by the second half does it tend to actually become a supernatural thriller.
AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004)
This is it, the two bad asses of science fiction cinema finally clash. Fans have been waiting years for the chance where we’d see them finally go head to head, and we get… this. In the right hands, with the right people, “Alien vs. Predator” had the potential to be a balls to the wall action packed epic, and that’s what’s sad. Anderson is not a good writer, decent director, but no good as a screenwriter. There’s not a lot of set up until we get to the actual plot at hand. Anderson surely wastes no time in taking us to what is the actual point of the movie. But it wouldn’t have hurt to spend time with the characters before we got into the action, which would have made us care more for these people who were basically trade offs. I didn’t really care who died or who lived because there’s nothing for us to care about in this movie.
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)
Mary is this whiny brat who dreams of becoming an actress; she wants to so badly that she speaks in Shakespearean droning dialogue but never really says much, and is smart enough to know the works of George Bernard Shaw, but isn’t smart enough to know that Jersey isn’t that far from New York. Regardless, she gets into a tizzy when she is forced to move from New York to New Jersey with her family (reasons unexplained) and thus her chances of becoming an actress are ruined… well, she really is a drama queen, ever hear of something called the LIRR? It’s this huge train station with trains that takes people wherever they want, and, big surprise, you can go from Jersey to New York in only three hours. How can the writers omit such a logical detail such as that?