One of the more entertaining moments of “Next Avengers” involves the eventual emergence of the Incredible Hulk from the eccentric form of Bruce Banner, now a scientist in hiding. Watching the Hulk smash these cheesy robotic copies of the avengers was quite cathartic, and it’s also refreshing to see the team stick to the mold of Ultron as we know him, a corruptible and despicable technological force who will prove to the be prevalent menace if a series pans out. I also really enjoyed watching the original Thor talk to his daughter Torrum in the climax; it’s a surprisingly touching moment that may sell me on watching this with my nephew.
Tag Archives: Fantasy
Video Game Movies That Should Have Rocked, Part Two
Tomb Raider/Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
Format: Live Action
2001, 2003
WHY IT SUCKED:
I personally wanted a Tomb Raider movie that was an honest to goodness new wave adventure thriller with a woman who showed she was nothing like Indiana Jones in spite of the influences. Instead with “Tomb Raider” we were given a very cheap knock off of Indiana Jones with the style of a music video while “The Cradle of Life” was a cheap knock off of a James Bond Flick except… very, very boring! Hell, not even the manly manliness of Gerard Butler and his Scottish accent could help liven the tedious and utterly boring affair that was “The Cradle of Life.” Angelina Jolie just couldn’t seem to understand what made Lara Croft such an individual as well, thus Croft ended up just being a glamorized version of Jolie.
As for the much hyped “Tomb Raider,” the finished product is a huge disappointment opting, once again, for a comedic hint among all the proceedings on screen. Croft is given a comic relief sidekick, and even when she’s hanging from her ceiling shooting bad guys, you can’t help shake the feeling that director Simon West just isn’t taking this seriously; it’s hard to believe too, since he’s one of the forces behind the brilliant “Keen Eddie.” Take the finale in the tombs where Lara confronts those shambling statues, or when Lara is riding her dog sled without a sled, or the goofy cameo by dad Jon Voight. “The Cradle of Life” seemed to want to bore the audience in to a coma so as not to let on on how really awful it was, and surely enough, not even sending Croft globe trotting could make a sequel worth sitting through.
REBOOT?
Most definitely. With a better grasp on individuality and why the game was so beloved, as well as casting an actually British actress who has the bod and the skills, then I think the movie has definite reboot quality only if the studio realizes that the game was so epic because it was its own monster, not a lame “Indiana Jones” wannabe. The “Tomb Raider” series is filled with so much material to make Lara Croft a banner screen heroine.
House of the Dead
Format: Live Action
2003
WHY IT SUCKED:
Don’t ask me why, but when the trailer for “House of the Dead” first popped up on televisions around the US for a short time, we loved the way it looked. From the Bullet time scenes to the… other bullet time scenes, we dug the way it looked. Then we went to theaters to see it, seeking it out at the AMC here in Manhattan and boy, we were stunned at how awful it was. Not only was it an awful video game movie, but it was an awful movie, period. That was my first introduction to Uwe Boll, and my what a way to greet this here movie geek. Playing the original “House of the Dead” at my local theater, it wasn’t my bag, but it was awfully funny to sit through beat the zombies while wading through the paper thin story.
Boll on the other hand never featured a house in “House of the Dead,” brought together a large cast of really bad actors, while good actors like Clint Howard and Jurgen Prochnow were just given some of the worst material with no hope of ever salvaging these roles. Aside from the truly bad direction, there’s also Boll’s idea of humor that never pans out the way we think. Prochnow’s character is actually named Captain Kirk. No seriously. Howard wears an over sized yellow slicker the whole time on film. One character gets burned on his face and spends more time literally crying about his disfigured face than he does the walking dead outside their doors. You can’t make this stuff up and this was only the beginning of the terror train that is Uwe Boll, Hollywood’s Clown prince.
REBOOT?
Let sleeping corpses lie.
Resident Evil
Format: Live Action
2003
WHY IT SUCKED:
I’m pretty surprised that with the release of the movie there wasn’t a game adapted from the film to fit the mythos set by WS Anderson, because it’s been done with the likes of “Street Fighter.” But then, the “Resident Evil” games were never this stupid before. Though history has revised itself a bit, the reviews for the entire “Resident Evil” movie franchise has been considerably mixed but to me the “Resident Evil” movies are of varying quality. “Resident Evil” is sucky, “Apocalypse” is garbage, and “Extinction” is crap. Hey, I said varying quality, but extremely varying quality.
The trilogy as a whole has been nothing but a pastiche of scenes from different better horror films like “Aliens,” and Anderson has made a habit and ritual of stealing from Romero by blatantly copping scenes from “Day of the Dead” and “Dawn of the Dead.” All the while he insists on a hard R, but most of the violence is blurred, off screen, or left in the dark for us to imagine. “Land of the Dead” was frowned upon for leaving most of the gore in the shadows, and the “Resident Evil” movies are never any different. Then there’s Milla Jovovich who simply refuses to go beyond her shtick as the bastard child of Ellen Ripley and the Terminator while there’s never actually a Residence in the Resident Evil movies. I could go on and on but we have reviews on the site for “Apocalypse” and “Extinction” to fill you in.
REBOOT?
George Romero wrote a script that was pretty damn good. Sure, Chris was a Native American, but that was one of the few deviations from the source material and in the end I’d rather have a 90 percent faithful adaptation from George A. Romero, than a 40 percent faithful adaptation from Paul WS Anderson. I think there’s still potential in Romero’s script. I wouldn’t be surprised if ten years from now, we get a reboot. I can hope.
Doom
Format: Live Action
2005
WHY IT SUCKED:
This should have been a piece of cake. A guy is alone on Mars with a planet of demons and zombies due to hell’s portal opening up and killing his comrades. But that’s not what we got. Instead we were given a very boring, very dumb, and utterly sucky piece of MTV horror dribble that took its sweet time presenting forward motion in terms of plot and characterization. Instead “Doom” felt like a cheap retread of the “Resident Evil” movies with a plot involving scientists and monsters and walking stereotypes by the tune of “Aliens” walking in dark danky tunnels of water to confront a monster covered in darkness lacking any and all effect.
The only time we actually get the feeling that this is a “Doom” movie is when Karl Urban’s character awakens from consciousness and through a first person perspective walks through tunnels and halls firing at monsters and zombies jumping from all corners. Beyond that and the appearance of the BFG, “Doom” is a really tedious little quasi-horror film based around popularity of Dwayne Johnson who couldn’t save this lackluster effort if he tried.
REBOOT?
I think a reboot has definite possibilities. Stick it to the actual plot, give us a more obscure cast and you just may have a great horror actioner here.
Video Game Movies That Should Have Rocked
It’s a common rule of nature. Games based on movies always suck, while movies based on games, also always suck. But hey, we know where studios are coming from. If a game is making millions and becoming a pop culture smash, then it’s only fitting a movie would have to be made. The problem is there’s yet to be a good movie that’s been adapted from a great video game. Deny it all you want, but let’s be honest, even “Mortal Kombat,” while cool, just wasn’t faithful to the game. It was PG-13, Shang Tsung was a younger man, and the movie is very cheesy these days.
Like everything pop culture related, fans simply will not be able to agree on an idea for a movie, nor will they all enjoy what the adaptation is, even if by some miracle it happens to be a masterpiece of filmmaking, but these are the movies as they are, and all of them are really bad. In honor of the upcoming “Prince of Persia” and “Street Fighter” adaptations, we’re exploring the slew of bad video game movies, and what we wanted. Hey, we’re not going to pretend you’ve never seen this list before but we just had to get our licks in before the next big screen adaptations on film appears and possibly changes the way we think of video game movies. Hey it could happen. It’s got to happen sooner or later, doesn’t it? And hey, maybe you’ll see a choice here that just may steam you up some.
Let us know what you think and which movies we should have included.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008)
Is “The Clone Wars” as bad as people have said? Yes and no. I had fun, I sat through the animated “Star Wars” entry with a chuckle and a half smile and enjoyed these characters yet again. The animated team manages to comprise a film with animation that’s pretty eye catching if below par what the Lucas team is capable of. But then again, there won’t be much of a difference when the Cartoon Network airs the series in a few months. Top that off with the interesting voice work that I quite enjoyed. You have to appreciate actor Matt Lanter for putting life and energy in to Anakin Skywalker, almost completely making me forget the awful performances by Hayden Christensen. Voice actor James Arnold Taylor reprises his role from the original “Clone Wars” mini-series and does a bang up job reprising the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi and giving us the character’s charms and gravitas in full force.
CJ7 (2008)
I’d like to tell you that “CJ7” is Stephen Chow’s answer to “E.T.” but as we all have come to know, Chow would never be about providing ordinary kids entertainment that we’ve seen before. “CJ7” may have the same formula when you get down to it, but Chow gives his own spin on it and it works. It’s a healthy dose of menace, adult edge, and over the top fantasy that has become a dead art in family films and director Chow takes every chance to flex those elements with his own take on the boy meets alien tale. On the flipside, Chow also tries to tell a genuinely emotional tale about a poor down on their luck and father and son struggling to get by living in a junk yard and eating day old food, while character Dickey’s dad always tries to teach him about life and how there are simply no short cuts. Especially when you’re poor.
Our Favorite "Star Wars" Characters of All Time
In honor of the upcoming “Clone Wars,” on August 15th, a movie we’re actually looking forward to we’re ashamed to admit, we’ve decided to think inside the box for a while. I mean, we just admitted we want to see “Clone Wars,” we think we should let you know where we stand as a Star Wars geeks, right? There’s really not much more damage George Lucas can inflict on his universe, after all. And animation is cost effective, a no lose medium. and there’s a ninety nine percent chance voice actors could do a better job than Hayden Christensen. Hell, a log can.
Whether we like it or not “The Clone Wars” is coming, not to mention the animated series, so we figured we’d just list our top ten Star Wars characters and have some fun with this impending release.
Dark City (1998) (Director's Cut DVD)
Let’s be honest kiddies, “Dark City” was “The Matrix” before “The Matrix” was ever in the pop culture lexicon, and Alex Proyas simply gets zero credit for ever bringing this concept to the forefront with his own Neo set amidst an unreal world where time is an illusion, and the thirties are ever lasting. One of the most underrated and under credited science fiction films of all time proved that Alex Proyas wasn’t simply a one trick pony directing “The Crow.” Filled with a beautiful view of a city on the borderline of illusion and pure nightmares, “Dark City” is a world that really may not be all that we see it for. The characters in this world are all living in a gritty, dank, and dreary series of landscapes that engulf one another in to an abyss where the puppet masters named The Strangers drift in the darkness preparing to change the landscape at a moments notice.