Potential filmmakers of America, or any country, listen up: If you’re going to make a vampire movie, show vampires, if you’re going to make a slasher movie, show some murders, and if you’re going to make a werewolf movie, show some actual fucking werewolves! I don’t care how you show them, just show them! Claymation, animated, bad CGI, anything, but if you’re going to promise us werewolves, give us werewolves! I can put up with bad acting, irritating characters, horrible direction, and a sloppy narrative, but when you have a rushed storyline that leads up to nothing, you best be prepared for a paddlin’. And lookin’ at my paddle? Oh, you best believe that’s a paddlin’.
Tag Archives: Horror
The Devil's Rejects (2005)
Soon will begin the long debate about which film is better “The Devil’s Rejects” or “HO1K”. I’m all for “The Devil’s Rejects”. What this has over the first film is basically everything from characterization, a fascinating plotline, and most of all a coherent narrative that was severely lacking in its predecessor. The first film was the mark of a fan boy who was more concerned with paying homage to his favorite movies than telling a story, but ultimately “The Devil’s Rejects” is the redemption of that fan boy as he finally gives the audience a competent story with excellent action.
Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave (2005)
I don’t want to live in the world presented on “Return of the Living Dead”. Not because of the zombies. Because zombies, man… they scare me. But because people are stupid in the world of ROTLD. Really stupid. There’s a big rave and no one can notice people being attacked, or getting their scalps torn from the roots while undead people feast on the gooey insides because–hey, it’s a party, anything can happen. Let me tell you, I can notice when someone has burnt themselves with a cigarette (which is usually funny within itself) in a crowded street, so I think I’d notice someone having their head torn open by someone’s teeth, even in a crowded room with blaring music on a constant loop, but then again this is an extremely low-budget set of sequels to a classic zombie series. Sheesh, Ellory Elkayem, you were so good at comedy in “Eight Legged Freaks”–what happened?!
Ring of Darkness (2004)
If anything, “Ring of Darkness” finally confirms my seven year long suspicions, that boy bands are really satanic flesh-eating zombies. I’ve known it since N’Sync burst on to the scene, I mean how else can you explain the popularity- however fleeting–of Justin Timberlake? I figured they were either demons or gay. The film begins with an Abercrombie and Fitch looking young man attempting to escape under the cover of the late evening. He escapes through a window–but not before putting on his platinum medallion–and is cornered by four shadowy figures and killed. “Ring of Darkness”–whatever the hell that title means–is a possible sign that the “reality” craze has actually seeped on to movies.
Madhouse (2004)
“Madhouse” is less of a bad movie, and more an antecedent, a complete misfire of the potential towards its concept from beginning to end. The plot and its characters are so ripe with possibilities and writers William Butler, and Aaron Strongoni completely sidestep that in exchange for attempted style. Which is a shame because “Madhouse” has all the ingredients for easy bake horror. There’s atmosphere, gruesome imagery, good looking actors, a mental institution, nutty patients, a shady staff, and a killer offing people (two total), but nothing is ever really accomplished here. Director Butler does have a knack for sheer style and atmosphere creating a setting that is both visually appealing and utterly sick. He sometimes pays homage to Barker and Lovecraft–or at least he tries, and sometimes he succeeds and this wasn’t completely difficult to look at.
The nuthouse depicted here looks utopian on the outside, dark on the inside, and the basement is hellish as we’d expect. Who knew they stored supplies beside mental patients? Regardless I liked most of what Butler shows us here, and some of the gags and killings are fun including one death involving electrocution which had me literally cringing in my seat. Butler almost gets it right in the visual department, now if only he could have directed a watchable film. Writers William Butler and Aaron Strongoni are so intent on squeezing all sorts of elements for horror films in that its collapses on to itself becoming an illogical jumbled mess that left us with not only a question mark, but a sheer exclamation point. The climax either means that the production crew ran out of money and just ended it, or had no idea how to end this.
The mental institution, very similar to a modern day Dante’s inferno of a sorts has a slasher, ghosts, mental patients resembling the ghosts from the “Thirteen Ghosts” remake (how sad), dangerous supporting characters, and main characters whom may or may not be dangerous, meanwhile the plot basically runs on fumes. Joshua Leonard (Sounding shockingly similar to Brad Pitt) has zero charisma and plays a bookish and extroverted main character who is interning at a mental hospital and learns the ropes from its staff and a hot nurse named Sara ala Jordan Ladd. Ladd is listless here yet again with no real character traits that make her a likable protagonist whatsoever and serves as a mere love interest, but plays a big role in the climax that would have made a much bigger impact had she been featured more prominently.
There’s something obviously going on at this institution; it’s as subtle as a kick in the head, but with cliché one-liners like “Buildings are like people; sometimes they remember the things that hurt them”, we’re never given what we’re promised. It’s chestnuts like that that make this terribly derivative dreck. With uneven pacing, the film is often very dull and lifeless, with a story that mostly drags on serving its purpose as padding with so much empty character emphases, and there are even appearances from Lance Henriksen and Natasha Lyonne whom are both properly wasted.
We’re pulled in all sorts of directions on this story that lead us to believe one thing, and then another until we’re not sure what the hell is going on around this place.
“Madhouse” is never as smart as it tries to be, delving in to so many Faust-ian themes that are mostly shallow concepts than deep observations that serve as plot devices. The character Clark constantly talks to a mental patient located in the basement of the institution where the most dangerous and colorful of patients lurk, and he seeks counsel about who or whom may be killing the staff members and he’s never given a very clear answer, and neither are we, and we’re left with the “Prom Night” climax that left so many plot holes and lapses in logic out on the table that were never resolved and it just ends up becoming yet another vapid straight to video that will remain on the half price bin. Jordan Ladd is hot, Joshua Leonard does a great impression of Brad Pitt, two people die, and nothing happens. “Madhouse” is a whole lot of elements and plot devices that ultimately amount to nothing and leave many unanswered questions, but the problem is the movie isn’t good enough for me to want to decipher it’s mysteries.
Dark Chamber (2005)
I tend to underestimate independents sometimes, and with “Under Surveillance” I expected one thing and received the complete opposite. I knew I had this movie pegged about thirty minutes in, and then the surprise climax completely slapped me in the face, and right humbled my suspicions. Writer-director David Campfield manages to create a film that really ends up being a worthy hybrid of Hitchcock and Agatha Christie, with a story that constantly comes up with layers upon layers of plot twists and surprises that really involve the audience with what’s occurring on-screen. He feeds us this notion about what the film is alluding to, and then sneaks on us a completely different concept that fits.
Comparing "The Haunting" 1963 and 1999: The Superior and the Inferior
There’s that old term that sometimes less is more. Filmmakers subscribe to that theory–well some filmmakers, I mean Michael Bay never met a special effect he didn’t like, and of course there’s porn, but back in the golden age, less was more. With the flick of an eyebrow Greta Garbo made men swoon, with the revealing seductive smile and the flash of a shoulder Rita Hayworth made men literally shiver in their seats. Back then, less was more, and more times than none, back in the golden age of film, many filmmakers thought that less was more. I’m for that theory that sometimes our imagination can do more than an actual picture can do, because nothing can match our own sick imaginations. These days in horror films it’s hard to find a film that subscribes to that theory, let alone be able to exercise it and pull it off.