“Ashes to Ashes” is no better than its predecessors. It’s a sloppy mélange of terrible acting, choppy editing, and a plot that’s better suited for “The Crow” franchise instead of “Pumpkinhead.” Granted, the original “Pumpkinhead” is great, but like “The Howling” the franchise begins and peaks at the first film and then goes downhill in terms of quality and overall engrossing story and lore very quickly. A local doctor who owns the corrupt town of any town, USA, is stealing people and taking parts from them for the black market.
Tag Archives: Revenge
I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006)
You figure in the world of cynical teenagers, technology, MTV, and the over saturation of slasher films, that the characters in this would be a little less horrified. Hell, they’re all very astonished at the story of a masked killer with a hook who comes after teenagers. And the song goes: a group of teenagers, a prank that goes awry, one year later, they re-unite, and the killing starts. Funny thing is, whether it’s Sarah Michelle Gellar, or some girl we’ve never seen before, the characters here are still very interchangeable. I hated the first two films, so I wasn’t keen on watching yet another sequel, and as I guessed it, “I’ll Always Know” is basically just routine.
John Tucker Must Die (2006)
Dear Brittany Snow,
I love you. And I want you to know it. I’ve loved you since “American Dreams”, and have ever since. I’d gladly listen to a continuous loop of “Secret Lover” as sung by Kevin Federline, and William Hung just to have the chance to eat grapes off of your ass crack and confess my unrequited love to thee while you parade yourself in the red silk lingerie you’re featured in midway. Yes, this is true. And I’m not ashamed to admit it. You say creepy, but I say lovelorn. I’m only human, damn it!
And we’re back.
The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)
Rule number one: Casting one of the most irritating actors of all time in a sequel to one of my favorite movies of all time is not a wise move, and is right earning of an old fashioned smack down. The newest craperrific sequel to one of the best films I’ve ever seen earns itself a place in my shit list casting Eddie Furlong as the hero. Furlong is just not hero material, and that’s one of the many mistakes of “Wicked Prayer”. It’s bad enough everyone here looks bored as hell, but Furlong’s character Jimmy Cuervo is a boring man who has no characterization.
Hard Candy (2005)
Those upset by the ex-pedophile makes good story of “The Woodsman” may find consolation in “Hard Candy”, which is basically just a film about a pedophile that gets what he had coming to him all this time. While “The Woodsman” is basically about redemption “Hard Candy” is very much a one-sided revenge flick in the vein of “I Spit on Your Grave”, and “Audition”. Incidentally enough, both films with opposite depictions of pedophilia bear the same red riding hood metaphors. “Hard Candy” begins with the glow of a computer screen with two people chatting online and engaging in heavy flirting and finally, after a run around, decides to meet up. The two people in question are a fourteen year old named Hayley, and Jeff, a man in his thirties.
Munich (2005)
A man once said, “If you want peace, prepare for war”, but it’s without a doubt, no one ever retorted with “At what price?” Often times, war is rationalized by those who continue it and those who support it. Collateral Damage, Friendly Fire, and the like are terms used to further downplay the futility of war. I am not a pacifist by any definition of the word. I do not adhere to the mindset of such an ideal, but when it applies to “Munich” and the films ultimate pacifist message, I tend to agree with him and Kushner. “Munich” has been one of the most controversial films of 2005, and in the long run, of all time, and will have you stepping back to re-think not only the 1972 Munich tragedy, but war in general. Spielberg and Kushner through the events of 1972 use that as a template to express their feelings toward the modern world at war. Do the ends justify the means? Does going after terrorists end the war, or does it subject us to even more war?
The Fog (2005)
I consider myself a very mature man who knows how to restrain himself in terms of disagreeing with people. But to the people who found this to be a remotely good film, I must ask: Are you stupid or something? Is this what you define as entertainment? But, I digress. My apologies. With basically the same plot, we delve in the San Antonio Bay/Island where they’re preparing for their ceremony to pay respect to the town’s founders. Fog rolls in. People die. Ghosts return mighty pissed off. And the shit hits the fan. By shit, I mean this film. Who thought this remake would be a good idea? Not the concept of remaking it, but this script? I’ve never seen such sloppy writing before in my life. I can safely say, I can squeeze out a better version out of my ass, without hesitation, but hey, we’re not all working for Hollywood. So, what do the writers force feed through this manufactured screenplay?