The words Robert Rodriguez would come to regret saying for years to his son: “This would make a cool movie”. Oy. It’s difficult to just outright cut this movie a new one, especially since the intentions behind it are admirable. Whether or not Rodriguez’ son thought of the story, dreamt of these characters, and or co-wrote this screenplay, it’s hard to completely rip it apart. It sucks, that’s a given, and its Rodriguez’ worst, but I’m still trying to figure out why this was made. I remember kids movies being bad, especially when I was a kid. I had to suffer through “Rock a Doodle”, “Ferngully”, and “Mom and Dad Save the World”, but I believe it’s possible to make a very good kids film.
Tag Archives: Science Fiction
Underworld: Evolution (2006)
In spite of its many, many failings and flaws, I liked “Underworld”. It’s no masterpiece, it’s not even that good, yet it’s still a pretty fun movie that’s mindless without being dumb. I like to describe it as “Matrix” meets horror, meets Abercrombie and Fitch. Sadly, the lore presented in the (now) “Underworld” franchise is still skewed and poor, but it sure is pretty fun. “Underworld: Evolution” is, I’m ashamed to admit, a step up from the previous installment. And it’s much edgier than the first film with more blood, and gore, and some very sexually suggestive material.
Ultimate Avengers: The Movie (2006)
Now that Lion’s Gate has teamed with Marvel Comics, we’re going to begin to see a lot of straight to video animated features that take off from Marvel’s flagship characters, and the first one out of the ballpark is “Ultimate Avengers”. Now, I never had the chance to read the “Ultimate Avengers” series, but I hear it’s pretty damn good. But from what I’ve seen in magazines from the previews, “Ultimate Avengers” the comic is transferred from page to screen. And what sets this apart from the average Marvel mythos is that it’s basically a new twist on the lore. Nick Fury is black, Hulk is more of an antagonist, Thor is a vain warrior, Cap is discovered by S.H.I.E.L.D. and not Namor, and we’re presented with a more jaded misanthropic scope of superheroes ala the usual zeitgeist of the modern age, though really it’s just the xenophobia that’s become representative of Marvel as a whole. That’s not an insult, but it’s not a compliment either.
The Cave (2005)
Apparently, the hype from “The Cave” and the proceeding negative reviews for it really were up to par with what the film had to offer. As always, in spite of bad reviews, I put up hope that “The Cave” would turn out to be a fun, exciting, tense film, but I was proven wrong again. And let me tell you, after “The Descent” this is nothing but child’s play, a recreation in spite of coming out almost at the same time as Marshall’s horror fest.
H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds (2005)
No, this is not that movie with that religious maniac, the screaming girl, and the psychotic liberal they meet in a basement, this is that other more low-budget remake of the H.G. Wells’ classic, and much like everything these days, these brilliant authors are added to the front of these titles to instill a sense of credibility. Little do these studios know that these authors would consider these films abominations, because they are. Like every bad movie, I watch with the hope–and some would say naiveté–that these movies won’t be as bad as I’ve heard, yet I’m always wrong. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel to pick flaws from a film that has a relatively low budget, but could they have squeezed out a logical, coherent story in the process? Even Pal was able to give a great story along with–what is considered today–ancient special effects.
Masters of Horror: Sick Girl
Of all the episodes from the “Masters of Horror” series, this was the one I was really looking forward to because: a) It’s Lucky McKee, how cool a name is that? b) It’s described as “The Fly” with lesbians, and c) It has Misty Mundae in it. Yeah, so what I’m a fan of her. “Playmate of the Apes” (Making out with a pink ape? Priceless) and “Lord of the G-Strings” is quality shit, with some brutally funny performances. “Sick Girl” is a freaky, campy, and utterly clever jab at lesbianism in America, but also a good retread on “The Fly”. I don’t know why, but I assumed “Sick Girl” would be played to a more dramatic effect, but then it’s Lucky McKee, this guy likes to play on odd.
Serenity (2005)
Brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, I am here to preach the gospel, the gospel of “Firefly”, can I get an amen?! Like you I was once lost and now I was found by Joss Whedon’s amazing and brutally bastardized television series “Firefly” which was taken much too soon before its prime, can I get an amen?! Much like you, I was turned on to the “Firefly” series by word of mouth. A friend told a friend who told me, and I gazed upon the glory that is “Firefly” and I am now a brown coat, one of legions of fans, can I get an amen?! I then spread the word and made it my mission to do so! What, you dare doubt the power of “Firefly”?! Well, I cast you in to the damnation of “Harry Potter” fandom you heathen, and I tell you, that “Firefly” is the beginning, the middle, and the end of what a masterpiece is and should be! Can I get a fucking amen?!