X-Men 3: The Last Stand (2006)

Posted on May 31, 2006 by Felix Vasquez

My antipathy and scathing skepticism at the fact that FOX would hire hack Brett Ratner to direct one of my favorite comic book franchises of all time hasn’t exactly been a secret for all this time. I hated the fact that Ratner was given resources to potentially destroy my beloved storyline, and I was not looking forward to this. Even with the fact that Ellen Page was cast, I didn’t find anything worth being impressed about with Ratner’s alterations of the series I loved. “X-Men: The Last Stand” is supposedly the “last” film in the X-Men franchise; of course all the fans know its complete bullshit. “The Last Stand” is the final film in the “X-Men” franchise like “The Final Chapter” was in the “Friday the 13th” franchise.

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Team America: World Police (2004)

Posted on May 8, 2006 by Felix Vasquez

Trey Parker and Matt Stone once explained in an episode of Charlie Rose that they’d never reveal their religious or political affiliations, because they didn’t want to alienate their audience. But “Team America” is an indictment of literally every issue under the sun, from Hollywood, to the government, to Bruckheimer films, right down to crappy shows like RENT. “Team America” is at its best though when it spoofs not only Bruckheimer’s insanely over the top films, but when it spoofs blind patriotism.

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Slither (2006)

Posted on April 14, 2006 by Felix Vasquez

I admit I wasn’t expecting much from “Slither”, basically because it looked so utterly cheesy, and in spite of Nathan Fillion’s presence, I just couldn’t find anything that could sell me on it. Surprisingly, I was wrong about it. A basic remake of “Night of the Creeps”, James Gunn’s “Slither” strives to be its own entity, and in many respects he succeeds in attempting such an endeavor. “Slither”, a throwback to fifties B movies with aliens, monsters, and zombies is stupid, and Gunn embraces the stupidity with scenes that are often ridiculous, but I was never bored. “Slither” in its stupidity is also pretty funny, and with the great cast it sports, I accepted the ridiculousness. And even from a Troma alumni like Gunn, I expected stupidity. It’s your usual B movie fodder.

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Steamboy (Suchîmubôi) (2004)

Posted on April 3, 2006 by Felix Vasquez

Yes, I’ll be the first to admit it, and I’m not the only one to say it, but “Akira” stands as one of my favorite anime films of all time. Bar none. When it comes to my favorite “Vampire Hunter D” holds the top spot, but if you want quality, you just have to go to “Akira”. Rarely has a film been able to hold up against time. Katsuhiro Otomo’s film experienced many alterations that kept it from becoming a true classic, and I’m willing to get past all that because “Steamboy” ends up being a quality piece of filmmaking from Otomo. Though it’s not a masterpiece, it’s still a very good watch that deserves the benefit of the doubt in the end.

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The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)

Posted on March 30, 2006 by Felix Vasquez

Director Garth Jennings mimics Ivan Reitman’s style, and sick humor down to every particular inch, and until I read up on this film, I’d convinced myself Reitman directed this. For a film that starts off with a musical number involving fleeing Dolphins singing “So long and thanks for all the fish!”, it’s obvious you’re going to get something new. I thought the dolphins would be CGI and animated, but having the song play while stock footage of Dolphins run on a loop is further proof of that not taking itself too seriously hypotheses. And its hard to hate something that sports a cast like John Malkovich, Sam Rockwell, Mos Def, Zooey Deschanel, and Alan Rickman, it’s hard to go wrong, and I had fun.

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Ultraviolet (2006)

Posted on March 25, 2006 by Felix Vasquez

I thought “Equilibrium” was a great action science fiction film that really showed that Kurt Wimmer had the possibility to create intelligent action films, but then he created “Ultraviolet”. Rule one of being in the art field, Kurt, never create copies of your previous work. People will know. “Ultraviolet” is one part Calvin Klein models gone psycho, one part music video, and one part tired genre fodder that takes basically any and every chance to keep from being original.

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The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005)

Posted on March 17, 2006 by Felix Vasquez

The words Robert Rodriguez would come to regret saying for years to his son: “This would make a cool movie”. Oy. It’s difficult to just outright cut this movie a new one, especially since the intentions behind it are admirable. Whether or not Rodriguez’ son thought of the story, dreamt of these characters, and or co-wrote this screenplay, it’s hard to completely rip it apart. It sucks, that’s a given, and its Rodriguez’ worst, but I’m still trying to figure out why this was made. I remember kids movies being bad, especially when I was a kid. I had to suffer through “Rock a Doodle”, “Ferngully”, and “Mom and Dad Save the World”, but I believe it’s possible to make a very good kids film.

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