Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)

elviraI would have loved to be a fly on the wall during the writing of “Mistress of the Dark.” Basically, the entire formula for comedy is comprised of a steady delivery of sex joke, double entendre, joke about Elvira’s breasts, sex joke, double entendre, joke about Elvira’s breasts, sex joke, double entendre, joke about Elvira’s breasts. Lather, rinse, and repeat. Hope for the best! Not to say it’s a bad formula, but after an hour, it becomes so predictable, you can see when a joke is about to fly at the audience, and it doesn’t really land all the time. But then again, Cassandra Peterson makes even the most clunky one-liner land, thanks to her almost unabashed goofiness, and her ability to use her chest as a sight gag more times than not.

For anyone who used to see this film when it originally premiered, using her chest as a form of laughs and awe from the men in the audience never gets old. When I was seven I’d see this movie every single time it was on television and it’s not because the movie is a comedy classic. Granted, “Mistress of the Dark” has a lot going for it. It never tries too hard and actually has fun with the premise. Cassandra Peterson uses this opportunity to bank on the popularity of her character while also giving her something to do. She provides the audience with her origin, a back story about her family, and she never hesitates to flirt with men around her in spite of the disgust of the puritanical town she ends up in.

There endless sex jokes and sight gags, so much so that the script would only be about four pages without them included. After quitting her famous cable show, Elvira sets out to start her own Vegas act, but she needs almost a hundred thousand dollars to fund it.  She’s called back to her aunt’s home town Fallwell to inherit her possessions after she’s died, and after moving in to her dark mansion and adopting her dog, Elvira discovers she comes from a long line of witches. Meanwhile, her evil long lost uncle wants the sacred book of “recipes” Elvira’s aunt has left behind, while Elvira battles the town’s puritanical government, all of whom will do whatever it takes to run her out of town. Elvira runs amok garnering the love of the town’s teens, and even turns a small picnic in to an orgy after she botches a stew.

“Mistress of the Dark” is by no means a masterpiece, but compared to the likes of similar fare like “Repossessed,” it’s just infinitely more watchable and entertaining. Elvira sticks closely to the horror genre, providing a fish out of water comedy that was quite popular in films like “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure” and the eventual “Addams Family” big screen debut. Elvira herself is a likable character filled with movie references and shameless homages, while also never afraid to flaunt her assets to everyone she meets, even smothering her own windshield when she cleans it at a gas station. It may not be the comedy that re-invented horror comedies, but Elvira’s feature film debut is an entertaining and raunchy foray with the always sexy and unique Cassandra Peterson keeping together a formula plot and hit or miss jokes and one-liners with her wit, personality, and pair of talents always heaving for the audience.

Stephen King's The Shining (1997)

theshining1997It’s common knowledge among movie buffs that Stanley Kubrick’s much lauded adaptation of “The Shining” is a film that author Stephen King did not like. At all. He openly expresses his disgust for it and his annoyance at director Kubrick’s insistence on taking the story in his own direction and away from the original novel. So in response to his long publicized criticism of what is arguably a horror classic, director Mick Garris obliged with a two part television mini-series that painted “The Shining” as we saw in the novel. Sadly, while it is very entertaining as a novelty horror film it lacks the oompf and visceral atmosphere of the Kubrick classic.

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The Shining (1980)

TheShining1980That’s Hollywood for you. They love you. They love your book. They buy your book. They adapt it in to a big budget feature, and in the end only really bring bits and pieces of your story to the big screen for audiences to see. In this instance it’s “The Shining,” an acclaimed horror film adapted by director Stanley Kubrick that author Stephen King has always hated. But then King is only one in almost a hundred authors whom absolutely detested the big screen versions of their novels. Director Kubrick’s idea of planning a film that respected the source material of King’s novel but not completely following the story is a bit of Hollywood rogue filmmaking that ended up angering King but simultaneously created one of the most beloved horror movies of all time.

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Our New Favorite Distraction: Gravity Falls

Jason Ritter, Kristen Schaal, Kevin Michael Richardson, and Linda Cardellini. You can’t not love “Gravity Falls” with a voice cast like that. Delivering a Halloween treat three months before my favorite holiday, “Gravity Falls” sets down upon two siblings who incidentally happen to be vacationing in Gravity Falls Oregon, a town filled with the supernatural and the paranormal that keeps them on their toes and constantly in peril. Imagine if agents Mulder and Scully were a young boy with an eye for the suspicious and a girl with a few screws loose and you basically have “Gravity Falls.” And is it any wonder that the theme song sounds like a lighter variation of the “X-Files” theme song?

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Spawn (1997)

spawn-1997

I just never saw the hype behind Spawn when I was a kid in the nineties. While everyone sang the praises of Todd McFarlane, and everyone I knew ate up the Spawn comics with a shit eating grin, convinced Spawn was the second coming of comicdom, I just could never understand the big deal. Throughout the decade of the nineties I’d be like that guy in the museum who’d have to take four steps back to try to understand a painting and then just shrug in confusion and move on to something else. That was me with Spawn. Everyone I knew loved it, I’d take four steps back time and time again to re-evaluate if I was missing something key to it, shrug and move on to something else. Even with the meticulous collectible action figures being released for collectors, and the spin-offs of the comic being doled out for fans, I just could never quite grasp why this title in particular struck a chord.

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Our Ten Favorite Bad Ass Monster Hunters

Last weekend we were introduced to a hidden era of one of the nation’s finest president when we learned Abraham Lincoln was in fact a vampire hunter in his prime. The film from Timur Bekmambetov has made waves with horror fans and enthusiasts alike and we look forward to seeing where his exploits bring him with his mighty axe in tow. In celebration of the film, we mulled over our ten favorite bad ass monster hunters from pop culture and celebrated the good guys who look out for the little guy against the big bads looming in the darkness.

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Dark House (2009)

darkhouse5I’m not going to pretend “Dark House” is an original horror outing. As a film it’s basically a pastiche of “The Haunting,” “House on Haunted Hill,” and “Thirteen Ghosts” with a skosh of “Haute Tension” for good measure. But in spite of the inherent derivations, I couldn’t help but have a damn good time sitting through “Dark House.” It’s deep down a very light on logic party horror film that you can sit through with friends and never be bored with. Even when it’s attempting to exposit the characters back stories, it really is at warp speed so that it can get to the bloodshed and gore. Thankfully I didn’t have much of a problem with that.

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