Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection (2013)

Every three to four years, a new indie filmmaker thinks they can rise up and give a new flavor or angle to “Night of the Living Dead” and provide audiences with a new look at Romero’s classic horror film. “Night of the Living Dead” remakes are cyclical and the last time we had a remotely fresh take on the film was in 1990, and that’s due to the fact that Tom Savini had help from friend George Romero. Every other rehash since has been piss poor, embarrassing, and just damn unnecessary. How many times can we keep watching the same old story? How many new perspectives can you add? It’s impossible to make the 1968 film feel new and original when the first film mastered it, in the first place. “Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection” only has the illusion of presenting itself as a new version of the Romero tale because the entire rehash is now set in the UK. See? It’s not the same old indie filmmakers trying to upstage Romero, it’s new! In truth thiscan’t stand on two legs since it’s anything but a remake.

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My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

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No one is more exhausted with the torrent of needless remakes than I am, but I was shocked that Patrick Lussier’s treatment of the modern “My Bloody Valentine” is not only clever, but very entertaining. I was never a big fan of the eighties slasher classic, so it was a welcome treat to see Lussier treat the concept with respect, and add his own twist to it. “My Bloody Valentine” acts more as a tribute to the original film with a continuation of the storyline rather than actually try to re-capture the dark comedy of the original. This time around, “My Bloody Valentine” revolves the latter day town of Harmony that lives by the legend of Harry Warden, the psychotic pick axe killer who mutilated many during Valentine’s Day.

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Exit Humanity (2011)

I wanted to love “Exit Humanity,” but in the end I feel like there were just too many ideas for one film. “Exit Humanity” attempts to take a simply a period piece zombie movie and turn it in to a high concept art house film. So there’s narration (by the great Brian Cox), there’s an alleged journal chronicling the rise of the dead, there are animated wipes that progress to the next scene, there are animated sequences where our hero fights the walking dead, and there are an endless stream of flashbacks and nightmare sequences allegedly symbolizing the carnage of the situation at hand.

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Hostel: Part III (2011)

imagesIt’s not like I’m disappointed or anything. I mean, I’m shocked they managed to somehow take a one note ridiculous concept like “Hostel” and turn it in to one whole movie, let alone two. And now they decided to create a third film that attempts to flip the coin on the premise and fails spectacularly. “Hostel Part III” is a mind numbing, cheap, despicable little mess of a horror film, the last release of excess gas on the festering corpse of the torture porn fad that attempts to build on the hollow premise of the first film.

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Spiders (2013)

spidersYou know how I know “Spiders” is set in New York and not in a cleverly shot in a studio with the same set pieces re-used over and over again? Becawse Patrick Muldoon tawks like dis tru most of da movie. Youse guys and yaw clichés about New Yawkers! Hey, I’m walkin here! It sounds like I made a bad funny, but a character actually shouts that a half hour in to the movie. Because it’s not Canada if you don’t say “eh,” and it’s not New York if you don’t pay homage to Ratzo Rizzo.

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Hypothermia (2010)

AAAAphoto_57_251This is almost like “The Creature from the Black Lagoon” if conceived by Jim Jarmusch and directed by Larry Fessenden. The film attempts to put up a pretence that it’s saving the monster shots for the big finale, but in reality you can almost feel the director concealing the monster for the fact that it’s not a very menacing creature, when all is said and done.

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Hansel & Gretel (2013)

123123123The rationale behind the villain Lilith in “Hansel and Gretel” makes no sense. She traps Hansel and Gretel in a bear trap and lures them to her house, she feeds Hansel a meat pie, and traps him in her basement to make him in to her pie, and then asks Gretel to take control of the shop and run it for her, in spite of the fact she’s about to turn her brother in to a meat pastry. She then gets angry when Gretel refuses? Turning her relative in to food is not exactly incentive for her to stay and help you in the shop. And did she continue to intend turning kids in to meat pies if Gretel took hold of the shop?

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