The Sandlot (1993)

Posted on March 29, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

If you’re going to crib from Stephen King’s “Stand By Me,” then you’d better do a good job of re-tooling it. Thankfully, and miraculously, David M. Evans directs one of the best coming of age dramedies in cinematic history. “The Sandlot” is a film that takes the “Stand By Me” premise and adds a baseball-centric theme to the story that becomes the crux of everything the film is built on. It’s the reason characters are able to connect, it saves characters from immediate danger, and it’s the macguffin for the entire movie. “The Sandlot” thankfully doesn’t shove the baseball Americana themes down the audiences throat, but instead focuses on the characters featured in the film as actual characters with complexities and flaws that decide whether they succeed or not.

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Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (2010)

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

What is Uwe Boll’s obsession with the holocaust? First he sets this new “Bloodrayne” snore fest in the holocaust and has the gall to try for his own Holocaust documentary. This from the man who created “Blubberella.” In any consolation Natassia Malthe is still very sexy as Rayne and has the same charisma as the former Rayne Kristanna Loken, never missing a beat. Rayne still looks like a hardcore cosplayer lost in a time warp, though. So in the midst of soldiers and World War II, she looks incredibly out of place. Where does she get all of that leather?

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Tank Girl (1995)

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

Yeah, this is why studios didn’t take comic book movie seriously for a very long time. “Tank Girl” is god awful. I’m aware her comic is very popular, and Tank Girl the character is considered something of a feminist icon of a sorts, but “Tank Girl” is swill. It’s bottom feeding swill. It tries to exude this sense of hipness and edge, but instead feels like it doesn’t take the material seriously. Lori Petty (who has the charm of a spastic Ritalin addict) attempts to play the sexually ambiguous Tank Girl as tongue in cheek but she just comes off as a clown who has no grasp on the material.

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Barb Wire (1996)

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

So you can’t call her babe. That’s where she draws the line. She responds violently to those who call her babe. But… what about boobs? Jugs? Mammary Madam? Chesty? How about Baby? It’s kind of like Babe, but not really. It’s a shame because the original comic book from Dark Horse called “Barb Wire” sounds like it could be a fun action film. A busty blond heroine addicted to adrenaline who fights crime from the heart of her night club could be a great film overall. Instead, the producers cast a popular model turned actress in the guise of Pamela Anderson, spend most of the film focusing on her enhanced bust to compensate for her sheer lack of acting ability, and basically just remake “Casablanca” and call it a day.

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Skyscraper (1996)

Posted on March 19, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

It’s hard to believe, but at one time someone thought turning models and porn stars in to action heroines was a good idea. Tracie Lords, Shannon Tweed, Pamela Anderson. All gorgeous women in their own B movie straight to video fare that never panned out beyond B movie straight to video fare. The worst of all has to be someone’s shocking brainstorm that perhaps the plus size dumb as a post model Anna Nicole Smith could somehow become something of a cult action movie star. It’s bad enough Smith could barely pose for a photo shoot without looking forced, but making her act? Could she even walk and talk at the same time?

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Leapin’ Leprechauns! (1995)

Posted on March 15, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

Oh, leapin’ Irish stereotypes! “Leapin Leprechauns!” from Charles Band studio Moon Beam is not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but it’s probably the most baffling I’ve seen in a good while. The film takes literally a half hour to get the actual plot in motion, and we spend about twenty long minutes on a leprechaun council meeting where the leprechauns and fairies argue and bicker non-stop. As for a villain of the piece, we don’t meet the evil menace until there’s only ten minutes left in the actual movie. I couldn’t understand why the villain was introduced before the credits actually began, but the writers fails to muster up an interesting bad guy.

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Red Dawn (1984)

Posted on March 15, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

Director John Milius’s 1984 war action film “Red Dawn” is probably one of the best guilty pleasures the eighties ever doled out for audiences. It’s certainly one of my childhood favorites, a film I recall re-watching time and time again and cheering on the likes of Charlie Sheen and Patrick Swayze. The film as a whole is absurd and incredibly silly, with everything in the film being drawn as inexplicably convenient for the good guys, and incredibly bad for the bad guys. Trained mercenaries can’t possibly outwit and outgun a bunch of high school students whose only training is hunting in the woods? Seriously?

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