Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes (2011)

In 2006 when The Asylum’s “Halloween Night” was released, the studio claimed the film about a mental patient that crashes a Halloween party and begins slaughtering the guests, was based on true events because at the time there were reports of a mental patient on the loose and for a moment they were sure the patient snuck in to the party only to be assured he wasn’t. That’s their reasoning for calling something a true event, so I expect the same amount of circular logic and convoluted reasoning from Asylum’s spin doctors for proclaiming “Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes” completely and one hundred percent true in footage when it becomes painfully apparent from the opening that not only is the film one hundred percent staged, but about as poorly acted as any other Asylum farce to boot.

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Force of Five (5 huajai hero) (2009)

555When I was a kid I was introduced to a plethora of fighting kids movies, all of which featured children who could very well either kick the crap out of me, or kick the crap out of someone for me. I always marveled at the talent and display seen in films like “3 Ninjas” and it’s nice to know with a certain movie about a karate kid starring Will Smith 2.0 getting all the hype, we can marvel at true talent like the variety displayed in “Power Kids.” The Thai martial arts film from Krissanapong Rachata barely clocks in at seventy minutes and possesses about two fold the raw talent displayed in the previously mentioned stink fest. Kroo Lek and his family of orphans are a proud clan, people who earn their keep and train each other in the fine art of Thai Boxing.

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Wheels on Meals (Kuai can che) (1984)

Wheels-on-Meals-1984Almost thirty years later, Sammo Hung’s “Wheels on Meals” is still one of the technically proficient martial arts films ever made. It’s just too bad there’s not much to it beyond the martial arts. Primarily it works as a comedy of two men fallen for the same woman whose entire antics are steeped in silent comedy that doesn’t club us over the head with obvious gags. But “Wheels on Meals” is sadly lagging and long in the tooth as an action film that professes mid-way to be nothing more than a romance comedy with martial arts back drops that do nothing to enhance the overall narrative.

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Love and Class in Connecticut (2007)

The rousing Joanna Keylock plays Tina, a Bohemian young woman who has been purposely left out of her niece’s naming ceremony and she’s crashed the party to ensure that everyone notices her anger and discontent. Even the baby’s father. This sets up a rather classical indie dilemma where family must battle family and “Love and Class” ends up becoming a rather ambitious and admirably compelling little piece of work. Sadly, there is a lot that could use improving with “Love and Class.”

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Hobo With a Shotgun (2011)

hwasgJason Eisener’s “Hobo with a Shotgun” was such a long time coming it’s ridiculous. With a movie that’s dared to defy all expectations, it’s very much a twisted balance between Troma and pure unadulterated Grindhouse madness that has the potential to reach mainstream audiences with a wider theatrical release. With “Grindhouse” flopping, and “Machete” floundering at the box office, “Hobo with a Shotgun” is a breath of fresh air, a movie so utterly filled with mind-blowing grindhouse tropes and a genuinely interesting story that you can almost feel the piss stained theater floor under your feet, while watching what essentially adds up to being a tongue in cheek and darkly disturbing take on the class warfare in America. This is Jason Eisener’s America, a world where the battle of rich and poor amounts to trips in to Scumtown USA where we lay our scene.

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Hop (2011)

hopUnpleasant, unfunny and uninspiring, “Hop” is so much more awful than I’d originally predicted primarily because it took my rock bottom expectations and dashed them by delivering an even worse movie than my optimism would have allowed. I had hopes for “Hop” originally, and I’d opted on giving it a fair shake, but found myself genuinely annoyed by every inch of this disingenuous holiday commercial that is about as much about the holiday as Garry Marshall’s “Valentine’s Day” was in 2010. “Hop” is such a corporate tool that it feels like upon its original conception it was marketed to Hallmark and American Greetings for the sole sake of EB.

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The Breakfast Club XXX (2009)

3cddrfQCurrently the two best porn spoof directors working today is Axel Braun, who is the Hitchcock of the finely timed comic jab set to the fuck fest, and of course Lee Roy Myers who not only directed some fine porn spoofs like “The Big Lebowski XXX,” but also managed to take one of the finest teen dramas of all time and turned it in to a damn fine porn spoof of its very own entitled “The Breakfast Club XXX.” Not only is this a film that ponders on the bigger questions behind the original 1980’s masterpiece, but also manages to delve in to the finer aspects of said questions. For example, what happened when Estevez saw the Goth chick now an average beauty queen? Why, he took her in to the back and fucked the ever loving god out of her, that’s what he did.

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