Frank Martin is back and is in deep doo doo for the third go around in the “Transporter” series. Now retired and taking a long needed vacation, fate comes crashing down his doors as he’s confronted with a colleague who is killed in the middle of what was supposed to be his job all along. When Frank is taken off guard he awakens to learn that he and his car can not be separated or else he and the enigmatic women in his co-pilot seat will go up in a burst of flames. “The Transporter” series has been one of my favorite knock offs of “The Driver” this millennium and Jason Statham is a wonderful successor to Ryan O’Neal as this man with tones of gray allowed more breathing room this go around.
Category Archives: Movie Reviews
S.W.A.T.: Firefight (2011)
By now it’s a pretty quick assumption that we may never get a truly great movie about “SWAT” the television show. What was a gritty violent and often disturbing show about life on the business as a SWAT officer became a pretty high budget and meek blockbuster vehicle for a cast of B listers who were more GI Joe and less “Heat.” Now with “Firefight” the studio behind this star-less vehicle ups the ante by pretty much assuring we’ll never see a reboot ever again with a competent cast. Which is not to say “Firefight” is a bad movie. It’s not. In fact it’s a very well made and steadily paced “sequel” that takes every precaution to do what it can with the cast of D listers who take up spots that once belonged to up and comers like Colin Farrell and Jeremy Renner and veterans like Samuel L. Jackson.
Ninja Assassin (2009)
While I appreciate the inherent ambition behind the script written by Matthew Sand and J. Michael Straczynski, any and all potential for absolute entertainment is wasted in the first fifteen minutes. Folks looking for a splatterific ninja quest will find the prologue to be one of the most grotesque and twisted openings to a ninja film. And then it goes downhill from there. It seems like the writers just aren’t happy enough with exploring the quest of ninja Raizo, but they instead want to focus on back story after meaningless back story.
Ninja Cheerleaders (2008)
You know what? “Ninja Cheerleaders” is trash but it’s trash you can admire. It’s a mixture of “3 Ninjas” with some “Bikini Carwash” for good measure, a veritable knock off of TMNT where director David Presley replaces teenage ninja turtles for teenage ninja cheerleaders. Starring three gorgeous and often cute young women, “Ninja Cheerleaders” tries for nothing more than pushing the limit upon with our actresses are willing to go. So while there is innuendo, there’s never any sex, and the women here are never sure if they want to be feminist icons or trashy slutty molds for what the movie begs. The plot is nothing you haven’t seen a thousand times before.
Sucker Punch (2011)
You have to appreciate Zack Snyder’s ambition for at least trying to tell a story. The man has proven himself in many regard, and with “Sucker Punch” he tries his best to deliver crowd pleasing entertainment that won’t polarize his fan base. The problem is, he never lets us in on the fact that deep down “Sucker Punch” is just a teenage melodrama disguised as a genre film. Sure it’s a journey of the self, and the mission of a group of young women to take on robots and monsters, but they’re all just metaphors.
Driller: A Sexual Thriller (1984)
Oh boy I knew I was in for something special when I received “Driller” in the mail with the address barely completed and the return address basically missing. The very fact X Rated Alley received this beauty of a horror porno called Driller is one thing, but to deliver it in mysterious packaging is the icing on the cake. I had an idea of what I getting in to upon looking at the deluxe packaging for Mr. Creepo’s “Driller” from 1984, a veritable porno spoof (and carefully constructed one at that so as to prevent legal issues) of Michael Jackson’s iconic Thriller. For those unaware (and how could you not be?), Thriller was a cultural sensation of the eighties and continues to be the go to for the template for epic music videos to this day. The plot basically boils down to a thirty minute movie that doubles as an amazing music video with a catchy song. A young couple in a movie theater walk home one night and find themselves in the middle of a zombie apocalypse and must fight their way out. Cue one of the most amazing musical numbers of all time, a shockingly incredible dance number involving drooling groaning zombies, and compelling narration from Vincent Price.
Scream 2 (1997)
With “Scream 2” you can pretty much sense Craven and writer Williamson struggling to create a sense of atmosphere that they did with the original. And the movie series that claims to dodge the slasher clichés while also mocking them, eventually became so clustered with attempts to bring audiences a new experience they pretty much relied on clichés and a formula they streamlined in the original. We have someone offed in the beginning, we introduce the old cast, we get to meet a new cast of characters, someone is killing the cast members, Sydney has to find out who or whom is doing the killings, a load of red herrings are thrown at the audience, there’s the obligatory thought that perhaps one of the original three cast members are behind it, and then there is the grand stand off in the climax where we’re given a bunch of “gotchas!” Officers and all authorities are also immensely useless.