Darklight (2004)

Posted on October 23, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

It’s not so much that “Darklight” is a terrible movie, it’s just so lackluster. You figure a movie with such prime material for a dark superhero thriller would be fun, or at least campy, but “Darklight” is a lethargic film. I figured it was me the first time I watched this back in 2004, but ten years later, and the film is still so lifeless and lacking in any kind of charisma or charm. Not even the lovely Shiri Appleby seems to be enjoying this role. She plays a mythical female demon cast out of the Garden of Eden for defying men who becomes a superhero in modern times and ends up serving men, anyway. That’s not a good reason to root for a superhero if you ask me.

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Finder’s Keepers (2014)

Posted on October 21, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

Holy hell, if the Syfy Channel in America is trying to capitalize off of Annabelle from “The Conjuring,” they’re going about it all wrong. It’s hard to rationalize a movie so horribly inept and put together. Through no fault of my own I even fell asleep after the thirty minute mark from sheer boredom, and after awakening I couldn’t quite bring to rewind the film and begin again. “Finder’s Keepers” doesn’t require a lot of thought or explanation. It’s really just a hodgepodge of ideas that amount to absolutely zero. There’s no pay off, no reason to care for the characters, and the writing is painful.

You get the sense the writers really went in with nothing, when they build up a cast of characters, and the only two minorities end up being more interesting than our main characters. The film is mostly centered on Jaime Pressly and Patrick Muldoon’s divorced couple, and their efforts to save their daughter. Yet the entire time I wondered what the pair of Latin women investigating the paranormal, with insight in to the supernatural, was up to. In typical horror movie fashion, they die horribly, even though the main characters are the ones committing truly stupid acts.

Which is shameful since Justina Machado is insanely sexy and always a treat to watch on screen; I’ve always found Jaime Pressly attractive, but Machado actually makes her look plain by comparison. That digression aside, “Finder’s Keepers” is filled with idiotic plot twists, and utterly horrible dialogue. If that’s not enough the characters spend so much of their time bickering that they don’t notice their daughter is being possessed by an ugly doll she finds under a floor. When their friends begin turning up dead (including a utterly wasted Tobin Bell), they begin to figure out that their daughter is being overtaken by the doll she found.

The writers try to elude that the past owner has broken out of his asylum and is doing the murders, but oddly enough that’s dropped in favor of the adorable Kylie Rogers mugging for the camera. The red herrings fly fast and loose, and a lot of plot elements are injected just for the sake of compensating for the clear lack of frights. The writers can’t even decide what the doll is, offering explanations that maybe it’s a worry doll, or a voodoo doll, or an evil spirit, or the embodied spirit of its owner, or a demonic presence consuming the daughter. It’s basically whatever works toward finishing the film the quickest, and for that I thank them.

The Walking Dead Season 5 Episode 2: Strangers

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

When we last saw Rick Grimes and his group, they were on top of the world and counting their victories over their losses, for once. It took us four seasons, but by god we finally are meeting Rick Grimes from the comic books. He’s cautious, he’s relentless, he knows he can take anything on in this wasteland, and he’s always on his toes. When he meets new character Gabriel Stokes, he is more than happy to converse with him, all the while ordering him to raise his arms as he checks for a concealed weapon. Never change, Rick. And what’s thrilling is that along with Rick, the show’s writers are now taking on one of the more unsettling storylines from the comics.

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Big Driver (2014)

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

I’m personally a fan of revenge thrillers, and am quite surprised to see Stephen King of all people concoct a rape revenge thriller. Out of the sub-genre, they’re the most notorious of the sub-sub-genres. “Big Driver” is an often toothless and ridiculous rape revenge thriller about a writer who may possibly be going mad after being viciously and repeatedly raped in a road side gas station by a hulking driver. He’s known as “Big Driver,” and is a very menacing and horrific villain. That is until the narrative unfolds and then he becomes a cartoon. It’s not enough that he may possibly be a trucker that had an impulse to rape and victimize a gorgeous woman on an abandoned road.

And it’s not enough that perhaps he has snared his share of victims in the past. No, King has to keep piling on absurd twists and turns with our villain Big Driver, while pretending to say something about writers. Truly, the writers’ psyche can be a maddening and unusual place, but for Tess Thorne, she’s a woman who’s been victimized one too many times and has an odd selection of friends. She has her characters from her book series about knitting elderly women solving crimes, her GPS named Tom (the only trustworthy man in her life), a cat named Fritz, and a neighbor who may or may not be romantically involved with Thorne.

Nothing is ever really confirmed for the audience, as every element of the plot is thrown up in to the air and never really resolved. At one point it’s suggested the stylish revenge plot is all in Tess’s mind but it’s never confirmed. Then we’re told that her confrontation with Big Driver was planned. “That’s a little far fetched,” Tess thinks aloud. But lo and behold, it’s not too far fetched the primary narrative itself. And by god King goes all the way, with a dramatic confrontation, and an abrupt final scene that may or may not be one big imaginary sequence in Tess’ slowly unraveling mind. What is the horrendous life Tess had? Why does Tess come across another victimized woman? What insight does this moment lend her exactly?

Is Tom the imagining of an ex-boyfriend or just a creation of Tess’s to compensate for her lack of romance? If Tess really is so closed off to everyone, why does she live in such an open suburban neighborhood? And what of the loose ends like Tess taking a limo home after being raped? No one really reported her injuries? I’m not sure if “Big Driver” is supposed to be a meta-thriller about a writer who enacts revenge through means that seem almost too good to be realistic, and the almost ridiculous sequence of events are intentionally silly, but “Big Driver” is too haphazardly written and sloppily directed to really answer that for the audience. In the end, it’s a terrible thriller with more head scratching questions than answers.

Pee-wee’s Playhouse: Seasons 1 & 2: Special Edition (DVD)

Posted on October 19, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

Watching “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” years after it became a cult hit, it’s easy to see where shows like “Blue’s Clues,” and “Yo Gabba Gabba” obtained their influence. Though it’s absolutely surreal, “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” dares to be different and innovative, while putting the lovable character of Pee Wee Herman on display. What’s even more refreshing is that show host Pee Wee instills positive ideas in his audience, without derailing the show entirely. There are subtle lessons about imagination, creativity, enjoying sweets with moderation, and how to deal with bullies.

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The Walking Dead Season 5 Episode 1: No Sanctuary

Posted on October 12, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

One of the things that worried me about the return of “The Walking Dead” was if they’d be able to maintain the momentum from season four. Lo and behold, not only does the series completely hit the ground running, but the events are still charging ahead of us before we can register it all. In this world you don’t really have time to grieve, mourn, or plan, so the writers are successful in that respect. Most importantly, Rick is still Rick Grimes, a bonafide warrior, who knows what he has to do, the people he has to kill, and his primary objective in this entire scenario. After season four’s second half, we finally got to see behind the cloak of Terminus and what they all fought for, and, as usual, it’s much too good to be true.

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Garfield’s Halloween Adventure (1985)

Posted on October 11, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

There’s nothing funnier than watching Garfield and Odie prepare for a holiday. There’s something about the holidays that helps Garfield set aside his dislike for the dog, and turns him in to a friend. This time it’s for the sake of a large grab of candy for Halloween, as he figures out he could get more of it if he brings Odie along. I knew I liked Garfield for a reason, because just like me, his favorite holiday is Halloween. No trees, no relatives, just candy. That’s how it’s done.

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