Art by Trevor Gentry Birnbaum
Life Imitates Action
Zombies By Design (2006)
The premise is actually quite clever. A ridiculous make over show, that gets its kicks and paycheck out of “re-animating” old homes enlists the help of a mad scientist they plan to put on television and rejuvenate his home. The problem is this mad scientist is indeed psychotic, and seven years before failed in a project that would create mechanic zombies for the military. Today the makeover show has signed onto re-do his house, but he has other plans for them. He wants to re-create his army come hell or high water.
Transporter 2 (2005)
I’ll admit, I was not a fan of “The Transporter.” Granted, I’m a big fan of Jason Statham, the man drips bad-ass whenever he’s on-screen, but as far as “The Transporter” went, it just wasn’t that good. This sequel however, is something I truly enjoyed. It’s better than the original, and obviously, it’s a big plus, because I want to like these movies. This sequel attempts to add more humanity to Frank, while dispensing of any annoying sidekicks, so this time, he has no women who follow him around, and he has no assistants to dispense with the one-liners. Frank, as a favor to a friend, has agreed to drive around a child on his spare time. He picks the young boy up from school and drives him around for his parents. He’s also managed to bond with him, as you’d guess.
The Covenant (2006)
It’s tough being a middle class white muscular young man who has the powers of a god and has blond busty women hanging around him all the time. God, Renny Harlin knows me so well, he knows the youth so well. “The Covenant” is one part “The Lost Boys,” one part “The Craft,” and two parts David DeCouteau with homoerotic undertones, overtones, mid-tones and all. The male cast gaze at one another with evident lust, and sexual tension, the male cast is featured nude in the lockers whipping one another while one mutters “Say my name!” You just have to wonder if DeCouteau had some hand in the creative process.
Sasquatch Mountain (Devil on the Mountain) (2006)
Want to make a monster movie but don’t have enough of the resources? It’s easy. Cast a cult actor for about five minutes, litter your film with nothing but character actors, and include a man in a monster suit draped in the shadows the entire time. “Sasquatch Mountain” is not a ride on Six Flags, but a pretty lame monster movie that I happened to catch on television recently. Shot in a rather annoying blue tint for the entire film, “Sasquatch Mountain” involves mercenaries, hillbilly hunters, a Blair Witch themed sub-plot, and Cerina Vincent as a hostage. I adore how these horror films try to include everything for everyone, and neither of the attempts is amusing.
Sky High (2005)
I’m a sucker for a good tale about superheroes and the learning of their abilities and so on. I admit that. I love a good superhero tale, and that’s why I didn’t completely dislike “Sky High,” because beneath its Disney muck, it’s actually a pretty fun tale about living up to your parents and the pressures of it. Michael Angarano is Will, the only son of a suburban couple who happen to be the world’s strongest superheroes. Ahem—they met during a battle and fell in love, and now are a team. “The Incredibles,” you say? Well, yes, but I just plain enjoyed Kurt Russell as a somewhat demented working class father who encourages his son to take up the family business. “Sky High” is busy, it’s colorful, and it will keep its target audience watching with a smile.
Heroes
We all know what happens to episodic high concept television shows. Right “Threshold,” “Invasion,” “Jack & Bobby,” “Surface,” and “Push, Nevada”? And audiences aren’t essentially welcoming to shows with interesting concepts, and storylines, and brains. “Heroes” is one of those shows. It’s episodic, it’s high concept, potentially one-note, and hopefully will be greeted with high ratings. But the previous effort from NBC with a show featuring disconnected characters experiencing an occurrence, tanked, and “Heroes” can suffer the very same fate.