Crank (2006)

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I know someone in Hollywood got a hold of a concept for a video game called “Crank,” and thought that this was too good to be some stupid old video game. So, they made it into a movie. Because “Crank” is essentially set up like a video game. Our hero gets up, watches a video that lays out the plot, and now he has to find the people who wronged him. In order to stop the poison, get epinephrine.

Level two: Get Epinephrine. Find the villain’s brother.

Level three: Find him and fight him. Keep your heart rate up.

Level Four: Steal a police cycle and drive as fast as you can before your heart slows down; avoid pedestrians and environment. The mob is after you now that you’re alive and may go after your girlfriend.

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Half Nelson (2006)

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half-nelsonIf you’ve ever seen a friend. A loved one. Or a confidant on a downhill slope in his or her life, then “Half Nelson” will surely hit home for you. It hit home for me, and that’s because what occurs here is all too real. Basically, the universal message, the entire message of “Half Nelson” is that our heroes are in fact human, and eventually the people we look up to, people we think are invincible, are in actuality human with flaws, vices, and even addictions, and we’ll discover that eventually, and we may never be able to understand it. But our heroes will in effect be just human, that can not escape their trappings regardless of what you do for them. For Mr. Dunn, his fate is inevitable, and it’s only a matter of time before he faces that.

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Snakes on a Train (2006)

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vlcsnap-00010For their credit, this is one of their more competent pieces of crap, and that’s because there’s considerably good gore, and an interesting take on ripping off “Snakes on a Plane.” But, if there’s any more of example of the inconsistency behind Asylum’s newest rip-off it’s the two characters at the beginning whom are illegal immigrants and can’t understand nor speak English to a Texas man sneaking them across the border, yet when they get on a train and meet a friend, they begin understanding and speaking perfect English.

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I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006)

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You figure in the world of cynical teenagers, technology, MTV, and the over saturation of slasher films, that the characters in this would be a little less horrified. Hell, they’re all very astonished at the story of a masked killer with a hook who comes after teenagers. And the song goes: a group of teenagers, a prank that goes awry, one year later, they re-unite, and the killing starts. Funny thing is, whether it’s Sarah Michelle Gellar, or some girl we’ve never seen before, the characters here are still very interchangeable. I hated the first two films, so I wasn’t keen on watching yet another sequel, and as I guessed it, “I’ll Always Know” is basically just routine.

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Pulse (2006)

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12puls.600This is my review, I’m writing it right now, on my computer, on my black keyboard, currently I’m very sleepy, and I’m hoping to catch some sleep after I’ve finished my work, I’m writing this review of “Pulse”, a movie, that came out in theaters. Tedious? Yes. But that’s what sitting through “Pulse” was like, a remake that feels it needs to hold our hand and explain every little plot aspect to us every minute of its entire fucking run time. Tedious, no? Well, if you haven’t heard, we’re too stupid to understand a story, so Dimension has to guide us through every single character and sub-plot just because we can’t catch up.

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Rent (2005)

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I was very open-minded about the possibility that I would be completely surprised with “Rent.” I never drew much attention to its release into theaters, and I never bothered to see it when it was in the theater, so I approached “Rent” with as much optimism and benefit of the doubt I could muster up. Then when I was finished with it, I realized I received what I was expecting. I mean, you can’t get much from a musical with a pastiche of musical numbers that resemble a series of rejected commercial jingles. “Rent” is very apropos to the stigma of modern underground theater, with the art savants creating productions filled with supermodels representing “real” people in New York City.

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The Wanderer (2006)

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wandererWe here are all basically a site for film, but our love for horror films is so evident and vocal, that we’re mostly sent horror films to review from directors—we didn’t plan it, but we’re happy for that fact. And nine times out of ten, the directors that send us their horror films are immensely talented. The talent behind “The Wanderer” is evident by the opening scenes of a young girl walking along the road, with the grainy direction never breaking from her.

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