To ring in, or market off of, the arrival of the surefire moneymaker “Pirates of the Caribbean”, the History Channel’s newest documovie explores the legends and origins of pirates. Pirates of the Caribbean (as the narrator so sneakily includes) have been around since the 1700’s, and they’ve been a staple of pop culture and the world ever since. Pirates truly are no laughing matter being described as vicious killer and rapists whom roam along the open seas where law is not in power, and proceed in snatching up hapless victims.
Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
After the tepid “Troy” and the awful “Alexander”, I was hoping “Kingdom of Heaven” would be a change in pace. And I was wrong. Even with Ridley Scott at the helm, I was just so disappointed. Continue reading
Psych
Shawn Preston is excellent at noticing clues and hints to a crime. He’s so excellent, he’s practically a psychic. And now you know what the basic plot is. Preston, taught to point out clues and heighten his intuition since he was a boy, thanks to his demanding officer father (Corbin Bernsen), can solve many crimes by just watching a news report then calls, reports information and collects on the reward money, and it’s gotten him into hot water. To prove he didn’t commit the crimes, he pretends to be psychic. And then it gets interesting.
Voodoo Moon (2005)
Outside of Buffy geeks, I really don’t see what reason you could have for liking “Voodoo Moon”. It’s a limp semi-action fantasy that uses the device of Voodoo as an excuse to expose its superhero, said hero is in the form of Eric Mabius who looks like quasi-Brandon Lee circa 1994. He’s dressed like a Goth, but really is a Voodoo shaman who is forced to fight off an evil entity that killed his mom and dad when he was a child. He enlists the help of his sister, played by Charisma Carpenter, who has a penchant for drawing pictures that foretell the future. And that’s really all she’s good for.
Dirty Love (2004)
Hey Jenny McCarthy, it’s cute you want to take after your hero Lucille Ball, and it’s cute you have aspirations of being funny, but stop. Can you do that for me? Stop trying, and go away. Go away and live on whatever royalties you’re getting from your days on MTV. You’re not hot when you’re farting everywhere, and you never were. You’re not funny, and you never will be. I appreciate your willingness to pretend you’re outrageous, but why do you keep making a fool of yourself? It’s really embarrassing. “Dirty Love” is sad, only because it’s the last efforts of a failed comedienne to show audiences how “quirky” and “outrageous” she can be, and she does this by making a really bad movie.
Hard Candy (2005)
Those upset by the ex-pedophile makes good story of “The Woodsman” may find consolation in “Hard Candy”, which is basically just a film about a pedophile that gets what he had coming to him all this time. While “The Woodsman” is basically about redemption “Hard Candy” is very much a one-sided revenge flick in the vein of “I Spit on Your Grave”, and “Audition”. Incidentally enough, both films with opposite depictions of pedophilia bear the same red riding hood metaphors. “Hard Candy” begins with the glow of a computer screen with two people chatting online and engaging in heavy flirting and finally, after a run around, decides to meet up. The two people in question are a fourteen year old named Hayley, and Jeff, a man in his thirties.
Undertow (2004)
Josh Lucas is an excellent actor, he can be, he aspires to be, but when he stars in crap like “Stealth” and “Glory Road”, he really continues to stay a footnote on the end of audience’s memories. But then he stars in films like “Undertow”, and you feel saddened, as I did, wondering: If this guy can give such a horrifying performance here, why can’t he take those talents and put them to good use? Lucas’s performance as a menacing uncle is basically on par with DeNiro as Max Cady, with Robert Mitchum in “Night of the Hunter” thrown in for good measure. That’s just about all there is to it.