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Rottweiler (2004)

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rottweilerWhy even call this “Rottweiler”? That’s what I’m interested in discovering. What’s the point? I’m confused as to why the director and screenwriter and Lions Gate Films felt it necessary to call this film “Rottweiler” when we only ever see the actual eponymous robo-mutt every so often. Instead of featuring the same old laboratory creature gone wild plot, “Rottweiler” instead focuses on a chain gang that breaks out of a prison. The lone fugitive named Dante is on the run from the robotic Rottweiler which happens to be cannibalistic, vicious and has one objective: to tear the on the lam fugitive a new one.

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The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)

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Leave it to Judd Apatow to take a simple concept you’d find in basically any sex comedy, and add his own original twist on it. But that’s Apatow for you, he knows how to be original. “The 40 Year Old Virgin” is basically like any other sex comedy; a group of guys are trying to get their friend laid. That’s the whole plot of this, but with this basic mundane sex comedy concept, there’s the original twist. Back when Jim Carrey was still funny, this would have been the exact role he’d have chosen, but that’s why I’m a fan of Steve Carrell, because he has pure comedy down to a skill. Sorry Jim.

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The Beast of Bray Road (2005)

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Beast_of_Bray_RoadAt the start of “Beast”, a young bar patron drifts away from her friends after closing hours and is stalked and mauled to death by a werewolf. The beast grabs her, tears her apart, and howls into the sky. I enjoyed that. But, for no other reason I can imagine but to piss me the hell off, director Scott feels that even though we had that good opening signaling grand things, we could have done without it for another thirty or forty minutes, which in common sense land is a large portion of a film that doesn’t even hit the two hour mark, and that makes zero sense.

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Kicking & Screaming (2005)

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Kicking_and_ScreamingI have found that comedies, even the good ones, have become so utterly predictable, that it’s not even funny. Pun intended. The good comedies are even predictable, and the mediocre ones are so predictable that I’ve discovered I can really lay out what’s going to happen before it happens. “Kicking and Screaming” begins on a truly predictable note. Narration. Instead of leaving our main character to pretty much show the audience how inept or stupid he is the writers feel that the actor and director are so incompetent of explaining through actions what and who they are, that they must explain to us through narration.

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The Legend of Zorro (2005)

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DF-09483_rv4_aThe creators of “Legend” have decided to take what made the first film so good and turn the sequel and its story into another “Spy Kids” rip off. Well, not so much “Spy Kids”, but a shameless rip off of “The Mummy Returns”. Male adventurer and female damsel both evolve into settled individuals that happen to have a son who is clever, smart mouthed, and both mutter at some point a variation of “My dad is going to kick your ass” to the grizzled villain. The derivations are so damn shameless that I felt bile of sheer disgust starting this film. The fact that the creators felt the need to add a snot nosed little brat who is there simply as one giant walking cliché, to make the film more “exciting” as merely just obvious pandering to a younger crowd, is condescending, since you figure Zorro did much of that already.

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The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi (2003)

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Not many people are aware of it, but I’m a huge fan of the “Zatoichi” series. I love the series, and I’ve seen almost all of them, so when I was finally able to get my hands on the Beat Takeshi sequel, I was ecstatic. What made Zatoichi was that Shintaro Katsu presented such an inept and humble distinction to him that he was never thought to be a dangerous persona, but Katsu strived in making Zatoichi so unassuming, yet so utterly deadly. Katsu was short, chubby, and seemingly incapable of being able to learn any sort of arts, but once criminals crossed Ichi’s path, he spoke loudly with his rapid fire sword work. For those unaware of the character, Zatoichi is an ex-yakuza who lost his eyesight during a war, and became a masseur traveling across the land as an anti-hero.

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My First Wedding (2004)

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1279117456_f0af2e85-0edf-4b57-ac96-acd9726bcc08“My First Wedding” is basically a neo-eighties rom com plus incredible fluff based around quirky mix-ups and goofy situations that basically could have been set in the time of sex crazed comedies. A nymphomaniac arrives at a church one day to repair a confessional, and a seemingly gorgeous girl crashes in to confess her sins while he listens anxiously and decides he’s going to pursue her. Enter hilarious situations including awfully gullible characters. Where’s Mr. Roper? But then, that’s the fun of watching “My First Wedding” because it’s basically two nymphos courting each other, with pretty humorous situations involving a wedding party in which Doughty is forced to improvise about his knowledge of the bible, and it’s rather humorous watching him trying to get his way by pretending to be a priest.

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