Tag Archives: A

Armageddon (1998)

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One of the many aspects about filmmaking that Michael Bay never perfected is subtlety. None of his films are ever about the more quiet and inconspicuous moments in story and characterization. “Armageddon” as a whole is an often loud, bright, irritating and occasionally intrusive film that attempts to assault every inch of an audiences attention before ever managing to tell its story. It’s one of the many reasons why “Pearl Harbor” was considered a cinematic disaster. I’m horrified to fathom what would ever happen if Bay ever made a film about 9/11 or the Titanic.

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Alyas Batman en Robin (1991)

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Holy Smokes, Batman and Robin! Oh my god, Batman and Robin! Praise the lord, Batman and Robin! Shoot now, shoot, Batman and Robin! Let’s Do Bruce Wayne now, Let’s do Dick Grayson now! They Are Apart of Me!

Come on, everybody sing along! What does “Alyas Batman en Robin” teach us? It’s always a good idea for any crime boss to gun down their own henchmen when they manage to apprehend new fire arms for their operation. No new henchmen to do your bidding? Hell, just hire new ones, they’re always available in the trades I assume. When you’re holding up a bank, it’s good to have a musical number while holding people at gun point. And the bank tellers will be so inspired by your musical prowess they’ll dance along while you sing. Crime bosses apparently do nothing but sit in their mansions donning their costumes awaiting guests like Catwoman does. Batman oddly has his own brand of tea and milk ready in the bat cave.

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Alvin and the Chipmunks: Batmunk (2012)

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Batmunk-3Based on the research I’ve done, “Batmunk” is being packaged as a one hour special featuring Alvin and the Chipmunks re-telling the story of Batman. Clearly it’s to market off of the upcoming Batman film release and the fan base may not be any the wiser. Basically, “Batmunk” is an hour long re-packaged set of Chipmunks cartoons, one of which is Batmunk and the other is Treasure Island. With no original title cards or theme songs, the cartoon segments are presented in disconnected formats with Batmunk being the first of the stories.

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The Artist (2011)

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Yes, we’ve all heard it already. It didn’t deserve to win Best Picture. It didn’t deserve all of its accolades. Now go away and tell us about how you don’t care about the Oscars, hypocrite. Now that we’ve gotten past the whining, “The Artist” is a film that is generally one of the finest films of 2011. It was a year of utterly underwhelming pictures, and “The Artist” took the accolades left and right because it was and still is a deserving ode to the era of cinema that left many actors out in the cold once sound was introduced to an eager audience. Even as a silent picture it works in developing rich and empathetic characters along with a truly sweet and heart warming story about friendship and love and remembering those who helped you rise to stardom.

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Arachnoquake (2012)

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If you’re one who is thinking “Arachnoquake? That sounds stupid,” then congratulations on displaying wisdom well beyond your years. “Arachnoquake” is a movie that sounds good on page, but when you see it, there’s just so much to hate about it that you can’t even take it at face value as a movie intended on being so bad it’s good. The movie is painfully self-aware to the point where you almost expect a laugh track to follow the “gags” staged. Meanwhile the writer behind the film is well beyond in over his head providing a three pronged story that jumps from sub-plot to sub-plot without resolving either, all the while ripping off films like “Jeepers Creepers 2,” “Children of Men,” “Deep Blue Sea,” “The Mist,” and “Piranha.” There are so much plot elements staged that are never touched upon or resolved, you could list them all in a whole review.

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American Scary (2006)

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One of the many classic devices of American television much of today’s youth will never get a chance to experience is the horror host. Though there are many talented performers keeping the tradition alive, we don’t have a glut of horror hosts as we once had. And it’s a shame because horror movies are ultimately an experience, and the horror host is the persona that keeps us watching and makes the viewing experience worthwhile in the end. “American Scary” is a brilliant and utterly fantastic tribute to the age of horror hosts, and really excels at informing audiences of a once American facet of television that no longer exists.

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Aphrodisiac! The Sexual Secret of Marijuana (1971) (DVD)

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Dennis Van Zak’s propaganda film is very much on par with “Reefer Madness” and that’s just shocking how much the two parallel toward one another. While “Reefer Madness” was a complete exaggeration of the negative aspects of marijuana use, Dennis Van Zak completely reduces the positive aspects of marijuana use to such an optimistic degree that it’s absolutely comical and cartoonish. Both films are basically intent on conveying a message about the use of cannabis and both films basically evade any and all scientific research in exchange for their agenda toward audiences. The only real difference with “Aphrodisiac!” and “Reefer Madness” is that Van Zak’s film is basically just a short form porn film with testimonials so utterly idiotic it’s worth a good laugh or two. In fact I would recommend audiences be obscenely high while viewing this film.

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