You Have to See This! Bikini Academy (1996)

Posted on August 1, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

Odds are you probably saw “Bikini Academy” in the heyday of late night cable television. It was once a proud institution. Otherwise known as “Babe Watch: Forbidden Parody,” the adult comedy likens itself as a “Baywatch” spoof. In reality there isn’t anything that spoofs or satirizes “Baywatch” save for the fact that most of the movie is set in the beach. In fact almost every shot is filmed during the middle of a sunny day smack dab in the middle of a beach. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.

Lucki and her friend Ty-Dy work day to day in a bikini shop and aspire to compete for a job as their local beach’s lifeguards. Training with an uptight drill instructor and hunky trained lifeguard Brock, the two pursue the opportunity in hopes that it can open up their aspirations for modeling and acting. Meanwhile rival Bodacia seeks the job in hopes of improving her modeling career, and will do whatever she can to win, including rigging the contest. That doesn’t sit well with Lucki who has a genuine affection for him, despite his indifference toward her.

And there are boobs. Lots of boobs.

I can think of worse things than watching Kelli Hoffman or Tane McClure for ninety minutes. With small budgets and some pretty crummy actors, Rick Sloane has been able to pull of a pretty great film career with some entertaining schlock. Everything from the silly “Vice Academy” series to the craptastic “Hobgoblins” has managed to achieve some bit of cult fame down the road; especially the latter. Seriously, go watch the “Mystery Science Theater 3000” episode of “Hobgoblins.” It’s one of the funniest two hours of television ever made. That said, “Bikini Academy” is not a spoof or satire, it’s just a really silly C grade sex comedy set on a beach.

I think Rick Sloane probably assumed this kind of beach sex romp would fare well in 1996, which is too bad since movies of this ilk became painfully out of style by 1990. I think in 1986, this might have been just a slight cult classic, rather than simply a cheap sex comedy that you wouldn’t miss, either way. Mind you, “Bikini Academy” is a rare movie from Rick Sloane that is softcore schlock and embraces that fact, but it’s not an experience you have to have. There’s no real up and comer like Johnny Depp in “Private Resort.” It’s just a very raunchy comedy that pulls off some occasional giggles and splashes almost every scene with curvy women in small bikinis.

It doesn’t really try to be anything else but a cheapy schlock, putting gorgeous women in the film front and center, while they compete with one another for a position as a local lifeguard. Sloane’s movie is so thin in concept that he apparently runs out of story after the first forty five minutes and begins staging softcore sex scenes set to library music. You know the kind of scenes I talk about if you ever watched Cinemax After Dark. Yes, it was probably good fodder for late night cable syndication, but it becomes obvious writer-director Sloane is padding the run time as much as he can to fit a ninety minute running time.

“Bikini Academy” revels in its low budget to deliver some of the goofiest comedy and action ever put to film. The characters have to go through a series of “Revenge of the Nerds” like trials and performances that will make them eligible for a big position as a lifeguard and a highly coveted job that will grant them some opportunities. This is especially fortunate for villainous Bodacia, who is hell bent on winning the contest to improve her modeling career. She takes every measure to win, including bedding a judge or two. Along the way the potential lifeguards also have to help the occasional swimmer, including one woman who very nearly gets dragged in to the water by what is obviously a rubber giant squid.

And in case you doubt director Sloane, you can make out the fake wobbling squid under the water as our stunt actress tries to desperately break free from its tentacles. It’s such an inexplicable scene tacked on for absolutely no rationale that you’ll giggle for a bit and then scratch your head baffled. The laughs don’t stop there. As villain Bodacia looks for a cause to bring to the competition to compete for the job of lifeguard, she conveniently finds a single marlin on the beach covered in oil, and decides to use it as an issue to fight for. Forget how nothing else on the beach is covered in oil, but the fish is so obviously a prop that it’s stiff as a board.

Who knew fish get rigor mortis? Or maybe Tane McClure is just that hot. Rick Sloane must know what everyone watching this movie does, because Kelli Hoffman is not only the hottest woman in the movie, but she manages to steal every single scene she’s shares with the cast. Despite only having a small supporting role, and popping up every now and then, every time she does, it’s a treat for the eyes. The real attraction though is Steven Todd Lange as love interest Brock. His performance here is so stilted and rigged, it feels like director Sloane pulled him out of his office during lunch to read some lines and pretend to be invested in his role.

Rick Sloane relies on a steady formula of repeating the same beats again and again: there’s some kind of cat fight between Tane McClure and heroine Raelynn Saalman, someone makes a few sex jokes and double entendres, there’s a few peeks of women in tight bikinis and Kelli Hoffman looks for any excuse to stroll by on screen. In the end, it all feels like Rick Sloane was still stuck in the mid-eighties, and what comes up is a fairly solid diversion that drips gratuitous schlock at every turn. There’s big breasts, big squids, and a running gag centered on corn, for some reason. It’s a classic Rick Sloane oddity.

Battledream Chronicle (2016) [Fantasia International Film Festival 2016]

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

I was a bit mixed on French anime “Battledream Chronicle” until the very end. I love the concept from Alain Bidard. It’s a very unusual mix of “Tron” and “The Matrix” where world decisions and lives are based around a virtual reality game based around gladiators and battling that results in actual lives lost. Set in the year 2100, humankind has managed to achieve paradise, but that’s been taken away by an evil computer AI. The computer has recruited various warriors from across the world to compete for the fate of their country. The team Mortemonde is on the verge of dominating the world after winning endless tournaments, and it’s up to Syanna to compose the perfect team to stop AI and give the world its freedom back.

“Battledream Chronicle” has a very unique idea that could be developed in to such a remarkable film, but in the end I had a difficult time finishing. Bidard takes such a long time developing any kind of characters and spends an obscene amount of time building up to the finale. For some inexplicable reason, entrenches us in to the middle of politics and characters bouncing dialogue off of one another, and how much is at stake if heroine Syanna doesn’t choose the proper teammates to take in to combat. I loved a lot of the concepts behind this digital tournament, including the soldiers that rule over it, and the weapons that are handed to the various gladiators to take in to combat. I wanted to know so much more about this bits and pieces.

But Bidard takes us more mystical here and there, relying on a lot of symbols and icons to represent various weapons, and conveying this digital world as something that’s one step up to achieving a higher state of mind. You’d think that would amount to a rich and complex fantasy, but I found it pretty muddled and I didn’t think there was enough glimpses in to the digital realm of Farandjun as there should have been. That said, “Battledream Chronicle” should be applauded for employing a large cast of minority heroes, including main character Syanna, who is African American. There’s also the wonderful animation which really compliments the quasi-futuristic aesthetic that kept the film walking the line between hard science fiction and dark fantasy.

I’d suggest checking this out if you’re a science fiction fan prone to experimenting and dabbling in more out of the ordinary fare. I found it fairly mediocre and severely lacking in action and excitement.

Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (2016)

Posted on July 27, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

At this point you kind of have to accept the “Sharknado” movies will never be as good as the novels, so going in to “The 4^th Awakens” means embracing it as a movie, and a media experience. It has a slew of appearances and cameos from notable internet personalities like Andre “The Black Nerd” Benjamin, to character actors like Gilbert Gottfried. Yes, even the Chippendales dancers appear to thrust against some sharks. “Sharknado” is a virtual side show of a genre offering that holds its tongue firmly in cheek, even when turning hero Fin in to a basic rip off of Ashley Williams from “Evil Dead.”

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Hardcore Henry (2016) [Blu-Ray/Digital]

Posted on July 26, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

All I have to say is thank goodness “Hardcore Henry” bombed, even after its unique publicity campaign. I’d really hate to have five other movies out there in theaters trying to copy this wretched movie’s formula. “Hardcore Henry” isn’t even really a movie, as it has no narrative, zero characterization, and is essentially just a series of cut scenes from a video game meant to evoke the fantasies of fourteen year old boys with rage issues. The plot, I use the term loosely, feels like a concept for an NES game in 1991, where LJN saw “Robocop” and decided to create their own clone. “Hardcore Henry” is essentially like watching someone play a video game.

At first it’s a novelty then it becomes incredibly monotonous. Even with director Ilya Naishuller putting our hero through the wringer as he pulls out people’s intestines, battles a flame throwing assassin, and watches soldiers bounce from grenade explosions, I was bored by it all. It’s not so much that the movie is so fast and relentlessly loud, but it’s too fast to the point where the running, chasing, fighting and explosions become so repetitive. I eventually began to grow so accustomed to exploding heads, and bodies being thrown off buildings, that I was wishing for one moment where characters would sit down and explain something, or discuss a bit of exposition that didn’t sound like video game instructions.

To make the events so dull and miserable, character Henry conveniently has no voice, making him easily the most paper thin action hero in movie history. Without a personality, emotions, a voice, or even occasional glimpses at his face and reactions, all we’re left with is a stale attempt to turn the viewer in to some sort of avatar for an action hero who is indestructible and blowing people up left and right without consequence. It doesn’t help that the movie seems to realize it has no story of substance and leans heavily on long drawn out action and weak moments of suspense. The further Henry flees from the super secret cyborg making organization led by the albino psychic mutant guy, the less sense the movie makes.

We all know the minute we see the group of undead cyborgs that Henry will have to fight them all at the same time to get to the final boss of the movie, so why should we even care about why they were invented, and what threats they serve? “Hardcore Henry” is a miserable, and tedious gimmick that feels like cut scenes from a stale Sega CD beat em up game, spliced together to form a limp cinematic experience. It’s a cheap, shallow gimmick that I’m glad failed, and it’s one I hope never catches on.

The Blu-Ray release comes with a Digital Copy. We’re given four deleted scenes emphasizing Henry’s battles, and a twelve minute fan chat with supporting actor Sharlto Copley and Writer/Director Ilya Naishuller, both of whom answer fan questions. Finally there are two audio commentaries. There’s one with Director and Producer Ilya Naishuller who covers the movie in very fine detail including the pacing, visual effects and much more. The second audio commentary features Director and Producer Ilya Naishuller and Star and Executive Producer Sharlto Copley, both of whom cover the same line of insight and details from the first commentary, with Copley adding his own interplay.

Novaseed (2016) [Fantasia International Film Festival 2016]

Posted on July 25, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

Director Nick DiLiberto’s animated science fiction epic could be considered a part of a new “Heavy Metal” anthology if we ever get a remake any time soon. DiLiberto’s animated epic owes a lot to Ralph Bakshi and the sensibilities of the original animated movie, except without any of the exploitative and misogynist overtones. “Novaseed” is a classic hero journey tale of a mastermind rising to power in a post apocalyptic wasteland and one hero stepping up to stop him and save someone very special. When the world is threatened by the maniacal Dr. Mindskull, the government begins looking for champions to step up and challenge him.

DiLiberto pulls a switcheroo on us and a clever turning of the cliché, as he features a gladiator match with a lion-man who automatically becomes the film’s hero once he manages to step forward and prove his courage against his sword wielding foe. From there, hero Nac claims the enigmatic prize that everyone in the world is searching for, and is confronted with Mindskull who challenges Nac’s opposition. DiLiberto’s animation is very low budget and apparently seemed to be based around rotoscoping much in the way Ralph Bakshi exercised for his epics. While the apparent style is hard to discern at first glance, it becomes apparent and tends to elevate the material well.

Due to the low budget our hero Nac is, for the most part, mute for his time on film. Through this drawback, his character presents an action speaking louder than words movement with his character exposition until the very end. “Novaseed” is a strong and unique science fiction animated adventure that relies a lot on simplicity and recognizing its own limitations during the narrative. It has a very “Mad Max” and Bill Plympton sensibility to it with massive desert wastelands and futuristic warriors roaming the land and plundering while Nac seeks to escape the clutches of the government and battle Mindskull. All in all, it’s very much a tribute to the eighties underground animated films and one that I enjoyed, simply for its understanding of why Bakshi’s films stand out among the other animation in the medium.

If you love briskly paced, action packed, violent post apocalyptic sagas and with a rough around the edges sincerity, “Novaseed” will win you over as it did me.

Ghostbusters (2016)

Posted on July 22, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

If you subscribe to the idea of multiverses (where there are various universes for TMNT, DC Superheroes, and Marvel superheroes alike), I like to think of “Ghostbusters” 2016 as an Elseworlds tale, where the concept of Ghostbusters exists, but on its own plain and on its own terms. The Ghostbusters we know from the eighties are also existent, but in their own personas and fulfilling their own purposes. “Ghostbusters” 2016 even as its own horror comedy is just mediocre. It’s not as great as the original “Ghostbusters” but is definitely a notch above “Ghostbusters 2.” Melissa McCarthy is her usual wry self as Abby Yates, a once paranormal researcher who has spent many years trying live down co-publishing a book about the paranormal.

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The Secret Life of Pets (2016)

Posted on July 21, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

The best way to describe “The Secret Life of Pets” is “Toy Story” meets “Looney Tunes.” In fact the “Toy Story” comparisons are never far off, as the film’s formula is most derived from Pixar’s film where we view the secret lives of everyday household elements when their owners aren’t looking. This time we set down on a random apartment complex in the middle of Manhattan where a slew of household pets commune and indulge in their own hobbies when their owners are out for the day. Louis CK does a wonderful job voicing Max, the hero of the film who is a terrier and loyal friend to his owner Katie. While Katie is gone for the day, Max gets together with the pets of the building to talk over the day and discuss what they think happens when their masters are gone.

Eliie Kemper as Katie is a single working woman with a heart for dogs who bonds with Max, and then suddenly brings home a new dog one day. Max is horrified and angry when Katie brings home big fluffy dog Duke, a well meaning adopted pet who tries to make friends with Max and then forms a rivalry when he realizes Max is trying to get him kicked out of the house. While being walked one day, Duke tricks Max in to going on to a construction site, prompting the pair to get lost in the city. With dog hunters and vicious cat on their tail, the two have to work together with the help of anti-owner revolutionary leader, the bunny Snowball. Meanwhile puffy dog and neighbor Gidget goes looking for Max and Duke, hell bent on bringing them back home.

“The Secret Life of Pets” is a subtle celebration of New York City, where our animal characters travel all throughout New York in an attempt to get hack home. The movie doesn’t attempt too much emotional complexity or adult themes, but instead revels in its silliness, ace animation, and often laugh out loud comedy. One particular scene involving an old woman’s reaction to a baby in its carriage is quite hysterical. The animation opts for a very unique and fun style in the vein of Chuck Jones and Tex Avery. Despite the movie injecting a lot of heart at the core of its narrative about animals and their devotion to their humans, the animation is decidedly exaggerated with a lot of the characters presented in over the top animated forms.

Even tough heroine Gidget is presented as something of a barking and talking puff ball throughout the film. At a little over seventy minutes, “The Secret Life of Pets” has no room for filler or flab to its story, providing a brisk and hilarious adventure with a genuine sense of emotion to it. It’s a fun, funny, and simple animated film, and one of the better animated entries to come to theaters. While yes it can be accused of taking from “Toy Story,” Max and Duke are genuinely entertaining heroes I hope we can see more of soon.