Tag Archives: Adventure

Debbie Does Dallas (1978)

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Let me tell you, its tough reviewing one of the most famous porn movies ever made. Hell, its tough reviewing porn, period. How do you review a porno movie? I can’t really speak on the acting, because hell, it’s a porn movie, there aren’t Oscar winning performances. And the production quality is abysmal. So, how do I go about this, I ask myself. But you’re probably asking why I’m reviewing a porno movie. Well, it’s just because this over-opinionated asshole wanted to throw his three cents in on this classic film. You’ve all heard about it. You know about it, so I thought I’d just give you the lowdown. The reason “Debbie Does Dallas” is such a bonafide classic is simply because it has everything men and women like in a porno. The sex scenes are staged fantasies, the cast is comprised of cheerleaders, and our main character is hot. “Debbie Does Dallas” has a huge history in the film medium. For proof on that, check out “Debbie Does Dallas Uncovered,” and you’ll see what I mean. The reason why “Debbie Does Dallas” was big was because of Bambi Woods. People attribute the success of this film to many things, but I pin it on Bambi Woods. Woods isn’t (or wasn’t, if she’s actually dead) a fox in the strictest sense.

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Spider-Man 3 (2007)

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0iLzLatI have this theory that “Spider-Man 3” is Sam Raimi’s revenge on Sony Pictures. What leads me to that theory? Well, Raimi was likely forced to make the second sequel on a speedy time slot, he was likely bored with making another Spider-Man film on such a hectic schedule, and was forced to include Venom, a character he swore off when he took on  the Spider-Man franchise. What’s interesting is that “Spider-Man 3” seems to prove many of my points at every turn, and it’s painful that I may be right.

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Vanishing Point (1971)

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I know Tarantino would love to take the credit for the popularity and new found interest in “Vanishing Point,” thanks to his repeated references to the movie in his underrated “Death Proof,” but that’s simply presumptuous, considering many people have been singing the praises of “Vanishing Point” for years and years. It’s been deemed as the best car movie ever made, and is considered a pure cult classic, way before Chin McGee mentioned it on celluloid, and that’s a fact. “Vanishing Point” is really nothing but a one hundred minute car chase across country, and I loved every minute of it.

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Lake Placid 2 (2007)

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lp2The original film, “Lake Placid” was possibly one of the crappiest killer animal flicks I’ve ever seen. And I was anxious to see it when it was released. The woefully under-appreciated Bill Pullman was alright, as was Bridget Fonda, but through it all was a horrible script, a cheesy plot, and a simplistic story that bordered on absurd. Nah, we didn’t need a sequel. I know you were about to ask that, right? Does necessity come into play when money comes to mind? Never, you stupid fool. “Lake Placid 2” has one thing going for it. Cloris Leachman, and then you wonder how the hell they wrangled her into this. This woman is a comedy legend, what the hell did they do to grab her? A bribe perhaps? Blackmail? A blood oath made with Satan? Poor Cloris Leachman.

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Hot Rods to Hell (1967)

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“Hot Rods to Hell” is a youth gone wild, sixties morality tale about damn juvenile delinquents raising pure hell on Mr. and Mrs. Americana of the traditional Nuclear family. Before the real free revolution, “Hot Rods to Hell” was another glance at the youth tearing down good old fashioned America, and it was deemed much too risqué to play for television. Made for television, ironically, the studios shipped it out into theaters, and drive-ins and it’s quite a messy little clunker with an utterly simplistic plot. A mixture of “Beach Blanket Bingo,” “Last House on the Left,” and “Leave it to Beaver,” John Brahm’s “Hot Rods to Hell” sets down on a family called the Hills who go on a road trip to move to the desert. On the way there they come across a group of sadistic hot rodders who really want to make their lives a living hell from now on.

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Bad News Bears (2005)

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Bad_News_Bears_filmWell, I guess every director has to have one film that’s commercial to grant them enough dough to get them through the rough times. Even one of my favorite directors of all time, Richard Linklater. It’s not that Linklater can’t do a commercial film, because “School of Rock” was great, but this is a remake. And Linklater is better than this. He’s ten times better. And he can make all the excuses he wants, but I’m still shocked the same man who created “Waking Life” was behind the camera of this remake. As usual, Linklater doesn’t do what others do. In other words, he never makes a film as everyone assumes he is. Sure, this is a remake, but this is a kick in the balls remake, just like the original was a kick in the balls kid’s film. There’s profanity, crude humor, sexual innuendos, and Billy Bob Joe Bob Thorton channels “Bad Santa” for his variation of Buttermaker. And I was pleased.

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300 (2006)

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xnEMOD2“300” is really nothing more than a movie about war. It’s about a society that paints war as heroic, and beautiful, about a society that views death in battle as heroic, and unflinching loyalty to government as brave. And yet, we know better. But this was the society. This is society period. It’s not difficult to see what the subtext is if you look hard enough.”300” though is also a beautiful action film that stages every scene as a living painting. Frank Miller, in spite of my disagreement with his views, is a wonderful writer. And he without a doubt set the stage for many writers to explore new domains in the comic book world.

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