Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS (1975)

Ilsa

Based on the actual Nazi Ilse Koch, “Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS,” takes the actual person Ilse Koch who tortured prisoners and collected skin from the prisoners who had tattoos, and turns it into a rather shameless exploitation film. Let’s be honest, this is mostly just pornography with a plot, and yet I was lost in its story. The actual Ilse Koch was a lowlife dog, a monster fit to be hanged and pelted with rocks. She was an inhuman jellyfish who took great pleasure in tormenting the poor prisoners, while this film is really just porn. And, I’m not begrudging it for that. This is a capsule of its time. Period.

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The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

transformers“You, who knows not of mercy, now plead for it?” – Optimus Prime

This is the real Transformers movie, the one that helped the craze, a clever toy campaign that evolved into an excellent film, and an average series from Marvel Comics. To many, the film is only good on a kitschy level, but the film still manages to pack a punch as one of the few variations of the mythos that’s pretty violent in its ways. Characters die, robots destroy one another, and there’s a pretty  complex plot to it. This film was introduced to me as a child way back before DVD’s ever entered the scene, and it’s still a film that’s rather entertaining and filled with thrills in spite of the animated format. “The Transformers” is not just all about nostalgia.

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Sheena #1

All I know about “Sheena” is that she’s very much like a female Tarzan, except she had a few movies, a really bad television series in the end of the nineties, bears a supernatural twist to her, and–oh yeah–she’s really hot. From the beginning, we’re being set up for another evil industrialist tale, and that’s the gist of “Sheena.” Issue one chronicles the return of Sheena in the midst of a major destruction of the Val Verde jungle at the hands of Cardwell Industries. Shifting from past and present, we follow the rise and fall of Harrison Cardwell, a young man who fled to Val Verde to escape the government of the US and built a crooked empire, inevitably losing everything he cherished.

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Transmorphers (2007)

transmorphers-coverA zebra can’t change its stripes, and in spite of the rumblings from the movie world, the Asylum will not stop making rip offs of bigger movies, because money talks and it also has no dignity or artistic merit. So, I’ve come to terms with the Asylum’s ridiculous practices, and set my sights on bigger fish with more importance in the film world, than some company making low budget rehashes with similar titles. “Transmorphers” was a pathetic concept the first I heard of it, because—well, look at the title. What robot movie does the title hearken to? Regardless, I approached this new effort with optimism because the cover art is just great; whoever works at the art department should be commended for constantly adding appeal to the turds the studio trots out to stores, and hell, the cover for “Transmorphers” is just beautiful.

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Night at the Museum (2006)

natmBen Stiller’s career can almost be paralleled with Eddie Murphy’s. Both started out providing original and edgy comedy, and were almost under-appreciated in their ways. Both finally debuted in film starting off once again providing us with a refreshing look at the comedy genre, and both have completely revamped their image starring in nothing but rehashed really bad movies, that are now leading into family films. It was really only a matter of time for Stiller. The man’s career, beyond “The Ben Stiller Show,” has been mostly abysmal. “Night at the Museum” is not the worst film out there for family entertainment, but damn, it sure is mediocre. There’s barely a single laugh in the entirety, and what chuckles do arise, come from the British nationality.

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Debbie Does Dallas (1978)

Let me tell you, its tough reviewing one of the most famous porn movies ever made. Hell, its tough reviewing porn, period. How do you review a porno movie? I can’t really speak on the acting, because hell, it’s a porn movie, there aren’t Oscar winning performances. And the production quality is abysmal. So, how do I go about this, I ask myself. But you’re probably asking why I’m reviewing a porno movie. Well, it’s just because this over-opinionated asshole wanted to throw his three cents in on this classic film. You’ve all heard about it. You know about it, so I thought I’d just give you the lowdown. The reason “Debbie Does Dallas” is such a bonafide classic is simply because it has everything men and women like in a porno. The sex scenes are staged fantasies, the cast is comprised of cheerleaders, and our main character is hot. “Debbie Does Dallas” has a huge history in the film medium. For proof on that, check out “Debbie Does Dallas Uncovered,” and you’ll see what I mean. The reason why “Debbie Does Dallas” was big was because of Bambi Woods. People attribute the success of this film to many things, but I pin it on Bambi Woods. Woods isn’t (or wasn’t, if she’s actually dead) a fox in the strictest sense.

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Spider-Man 3 (2007)

0iLzLatI have this theory that “Spider-Man 3” is Sam Raimi’s revenge on Sony Pictures. What leads me to that theory? Well, Raimi was likely forced to make the second sequel on a speedy time slot, he was likely bored with making another Spider-Man film on such a hectic schedule, and was forced to include Venom, a character he swore off when he took on  the Spider-Man franchise. What’s interesting is that “Spider-Man 3” seems to prove many of my points at every turn, and it’s painful that I may be right.

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