All I know about “Sheena” is that she’s very much like a female Tarzan, except she had a few movies, a really bad television series in the end of the nineties, bears a supernatural twist to her, and–oh yeah–she’s really hot. From the beginning, we’re being set up for another evil industrialist tale, and that’s the gist of “Sheena.” Issue one chronicles the return of Sheena in the midst of a major destruction of the Val Verde jungle at the hands of Cardwell Industries. Shifting from past and present, we follow the rise and fall of Harrison Cardwell, a young man who fled to Val Verde to escape the government of the US and built a crooked empire, inevitably losing everything he cherished.
Tag Archives: Adventure
Transmorphers (2007)
A zebra can’t change its stripes, and in spite of the rumblings from the movie world, the Asylum will not stop making rip offs of bigger movies, because money talks and it also has no dignity or artistic merit. So, I’ve come to terms with the Asylum’s ridiculous practices, and set my sights on bigger fish with more importance in the film world, than some company making low budget rehashes with similar titles. “Transmorphers” was a pathetic concept the first I heard of it, because—well, look at the title. What robot movie does the title hearken to? Regardless, I approached this new effort with optimism because the cover art is just great; whoever works at the art department should be commended for constantly adding appeal to the turds the studio trots out to stores, and hell, the cover for “Transmorphers” is just beautiful.
Night at the Museum (2006)
Ben Stiller’s career can almost be paralleled with Eddie Murphy’s. Both started out providing original and edgy comedy, and were almost under-appreciated in their ways. Both finally debuted in film starting off once again providing us with a refreshing look at the comedy genre, and both have completely revamped their image starring in nothing but rehashed really bad movies, that are now leading into family films. It was really only a matter of time for Stiller. The man’s career, beyond “The Ben Stiller Show,” has been mostly abysmal. “Night at the Museum” is not the worst film out there for family entertainment, but damn, it sure is mediocre. There’s barely a single laugh in the entirety, and what chuckles do arise, come from the British nationality.
Debbie Does Dallas (1978)
Let me tell you, its tough reviewing one of the most famous porn movies ever made. Hell, its tough reviewing porn, period. How do you review a porno movie? I can’t really speak on the acting, because hell, it’s a porn movie, there aren’t Oscar winning performances. And the production quality is abysmal. So, how do I go about this, I ask myself. But you’re probably asking why I’m reviewing a porno movie. Well, it’s just because this over-opinionated asshole wanted to throw his three cents in on this classic film. You’ve all heard about it. You know about it, so I thought I’d just give you the lowdown. The reason “Debbie Does Dallas” is such a bonafide classic is simply because it has everything men and women like in a porno. The sex scenes are staged fantasies, the cast is comprised of cheerleaders, and our main character is hot. “Debbie Does Dallas” has a huge history in the film medium. For proof on that, check out “Debbie Does Dallas Uncovered,” and you’ll see what I mean. The reason why “Debbie Does Dallas” was big was because of Bambi Woods. People attribute the success of this film to many things, but I pin it on Bambi Woods. Woods isn’t (or wasn’t, if she’s actually dead) a fox in the strictest sense.
Spider-Man 3 (2007)
I have this theory that “Spider-Man 3” is Sam Raimi’s revenge on Sony Pictures. What leads me to that theory? Well, Raimi was likely forced to make the second sequel on a speedy time slot, he was likely bored with making another Spider-Man film on such a hectic schedule, and was forced to include Venom, a character he swore off when he took on the Spider-Man franchise. What’s interesting is that “Spider-Man 3” seems to prove many of my points at every turn, and it’s painful that I may be right.
Vanishing Point (1971)
I know Tarantino would love to take the credit for the popularity and new found interest in “Vanishing Point,” thanks to his repeated references to the movie in his underrated “Death Proof,” but that’s simply presumptuous, considering many people have been singing the praises of “Vanishing Point” for years and years. It’s been deemed as the best car movie ever made, and is considered a pure cult classic, way before Chin McGee mentioned it on celluloid, and that’s a fact. “Vanishing Point” is really nothing but a one hundred minute car chase across country, and I loved every minute of it.
Lake Placid 2 (2007)
The original film, “Lake Placid” was possibly one of the crappiest killer animal flicks I’ve ever seen. And I was anxious to see it when it was released. The woefully under-appreciated Bill Pullman was alright, as was Bridget Fonda, but through it all was a horrible script, a cheesy plot, and a simplistic story that bordered on absurd. Nah, we didn’t need a sequel. I know you were about to ask that, right? Does necessity come into play when money comes to mind? Never, you stupid fool. “Lake Placid 2” has one thing going for it. Cloris Leachman, and then you wonder how the hell they wrangled her into this. This woman is a comedy legend, what the hell did they do to grab her? A bribe perhaps? Blackmail? A blood oath made with Satan? Poor Cloris Leachman.