Creepshow III (2006)

Just so you know, Stephen King and George Romero had as much to do with this as Romero did with “Day of the Dead: Contagium.” Just so you know, “Creepshow III” is about as much of a sequel to the series, as “Debbie Does Dallas” is a documentary on sports. Taurus Entertainment had the pure balls to attempt to tie this in with the original “Creepshow” series, and failed, big time. And guess what? A “Creepshow 4” is on the way. Yes, sir. Taurus, the maker of pure dog vomit, has now continued the crappy sequels department, and their reign of terror isn’t ending any time soon. “Creepshow III” is one of their plans of attack on the genre, and “Creepshow III” is a pure travesty on the senses. It’s so bad it inflicts actual physical pain on its viewer. It’s so bad it makes Uwe Boll look like a brilliant director. It’s bad, would be the general bullet point of this review.

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Scoop (2006)

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After the painfully overrated “Match Point,” I was basically ready to welcome anything else that Allen could offer us. Sadly, going out of New York and onto the UK for his comedy thrillers has worked against Allen, and he’s pretty out of his element, as it becomes apparent with “Scoop.” All essence of genius and life is gone, and every one liner that Allen hurls our way manages to fall flatter and flatter to the point where it becomes rather pathetic. Especially when you consider the fact he’s now resorted to remaking his own movies, with “Scoop” being a loose remake of “Manhattan Murder Mystery.”

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The Break-Up (2006)

the-break-up-550x309I’m one who personally doesn’t enjoy the quick talking shtick that has basically made Vince Vaughn’s career. Not only is it a rather tiresome shtick, but hearing him talking like he’s wired on coke is often rather mind-numbing. So you pair up Vaughn’s coke head comedy, with Jennifer Aniston’s perpetually bland acting, and you have this vehicle that hopes to create a neo-“Odd Couple” vibe that never works. Romance comedies hardly ever work these days, and it’s because we have to care about relationships between two obnoxious characters with no connection to the audience. How can I give a shit about two people like this?

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Debbie Does Dallas (1978)

Let me tell you, its tough reviewing one of the most famous porn movies ever made. Hell, its tough reviewing porn, period. How do you review a porno movie? I can’t really speak on the acting, because hell, it’s a porn movie, there aren’t Oscar winning performances. And the production quality is abysmal. So, how do I go about this, I ask myself. But you’re probably asking why I’m reviewing a porno movie. Well, it’s just because this over-opinionated asshole wanted to throw his three cents in on this classic film. You’ve all heard about it. You know about it, so I thought I’d just give you the lowdown. The reason “Debbie Does Dallas” is such a bonafide classic is simply because it has everything men and women like in a porno. The sex scenes are staged fantasies, the cast is comprised of cheerleaders, and our main character is hot. “Debbie Does Dallas” has a huge history in the film medium. For proof on that, check out “Debbie Does Dallas Uncovered,” and you’ll see what I mean. The reason why “Debbie Does Dallas” was big was because of Bambi Woods. People attribute the success of this film to many things, but I pin it on Bambi Woods. Woods isn’t (or wasn’t, if she’s actually dead) a fox in the strictest sense.

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The War at Home: Season One (DVD)

No one on the series “The War at Home” is capable of understanding how to properly pull off mean spirited comedy. Take shows like “Married… with Children,” and “Titus,” shows that excelled at show mean-spirited comedy with its own agenda. The former was pure trash and nothing more, a forefather of the shit to come from FOX, while “Titus” was in its roots about a comedian whose father never treated him as well as yours may have.

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Charlotte's Web (2006)

imagesI really enjoyed the little segments involving the crows trying to outwit the scarecrow. Their obsession with getting past the scarecrow that they’re convinced is following them since he’s in every corn field, is pretty funny. Andre Benjamin and Thomas Haden Church do a bang up job with voice work, and it’s a very good bright spot for the film. The mismatched friendship between a pig and a spider is touching, only because this spider is keeping this runt of a pig from dying. What makes “Charlotte’s Web” works, even in this sub-par form, is the ability for these two individuals to find friendship in spite of their differences.

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Cabbie (2007)

In spite of the caveats, Steve Gelder takes the role on with a really funny sentiment that makes the title character in the film worthy of a viewing. Gelder takes the character on with finesse, and adds a sense of dimension that brings this character into a different view as this person who is so pathetic, and yet so oddly compelling. His delusions keep us wondering, and Gelder really dives into the role. Unfortunately, much of the comedy played for, during “Cabbie” doesn’t quite hit the stride as much as it wants to.

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