I always say that you can tell if a movie is going to be really good or flat out stink by the first ten minutes. And that’s because the first ten minutes is when any sensible filmmaker starts off with a hook. It’s a device that gives us something of a bang for our buck that convinces us to stay or just flat out leave it out in the cold for someone else to deal with. Sadly, “Why Hire a Killer?” leaves very little reason to stick with it. Judging by the five minute long opening credits, Director Oscar Sanders really doesn’t have the ability yet to hit us with a hook.
Tag Archives: Crime
Northville Cemetery Massacre (1976)
With a bigger budget, a better cast of actors, and higher production qualities, “Northville Cemetery Massacre” could have been one hell of a movie. But the catch is that it would have never achieved its status as a cult classic if it did have all the perks listed above. Based on a real biker gang, directors/writers William Dear and Thomas L. Dyke’s action thriller set down on the Spirits (known as the Scorpions Biker Club in real life) a kind band of pious cycle riding nomads who peruse the road for something to do. They’re so kind in fact that they stop mid travel to help an old couple whose car has been run off the road. Dyke and Dear’s story set out to educate people on the good biker clubs actually try to do and how stereotyping is the very essence of ignorance.
The Warriors (1979)
It was like something out of a Western this film; a gang called “The Warriors” is blamed for the death of the highest gangster of them all and must race to their Coney Island turf before trouble stirs beyond their grasp. It sounds simple enough except every single gang in the city is out for their blood and they must fight their way through colorful delinquents all of whom want to make the small band of rejects pay for the murder. “The Warriors” is a movie I fondly remember being introduced to by my pops who rented this one night and sat us down to bask in the glow of the television and let Walter Hill perform his magic.
Batbabe: The Dark Nightie (2009)
Probably one of the funniest pornos I’ve ever seen, “Batbabe” is that extra shot of ridiculous in a world of pornography is already high in the scent. This is a world where titles like “Night of the Giving Head” is a hit. “Batbabe” is a hilarious take on “The Dark Knight” effectively titled “Batbabe: The Dark Nightie” a movie starring the gorgeous Darian Caine as the title character who is forced to battle the evil Jerker, a man determined to steal all the porn in Bacchum and spread his evil spunk on the people of Bacchum.
Metal Man (2008)
The very fact that the producers and creators behind “Metal Man” made this film boggles my mind and leaves me stumped. Why they didn’t seek out the folks behind this “Iron Man” rip off is a missed opportunity to inform these companies to vie for original productions and not knock offs. I will give this to them, the people behind “Metal Man” are not the Asylum film studios. This messy amateur production relies on a metal suited hero named Metal Man whose color scheme is a red and yellowed armor that enables super abilities whenever he’s fighting crime.
Punisher: Warzone (2008) (DVD)
What Lexi Alexander and Lions Gates attempts to accomplish with this new title in the Marvel movie lexicon is a complete restart of the Punisher franchise and they do this by completely forgetting any and all of the events from the Thomas Jane version and in some respects it’s nice to have a movie that pays due attention to the original origin of madman Frank Castle. Hell, I loved the John Travolta vehicle and still do in spite of fans belly aching, but god help me, “Warzone” is a better film. Why? Frankly because there are very few liberties taken with the mythos and we get down to the nitty gritty.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)
Hi Hollywood, what’s new Capcom? I thought I should start this review here with a bit of Tony Robbins tough love and ask why you still feel the need to option movies whose origins live in the video game world. When will you ever learn that there’s no such thing as a good video game movie and there never will be? Hollywood, you’ve put us through misery for years trying to take plotless video games and turn it on its ear, and have also managed to simultaneously take games with narrative and structure and destroy it without fail. What’s the deal? Don’t the video game movie flops ever help you to realize that there’s just no point in adapting even the most popular games? I’ve lived through Doom, Tomb Raider and Resident Evil and we’ve yet to see something good derived from either of them.