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Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

ttt_buffy-560x300Yes, it’s not the vision that Joss Whedon had originally planned, but you know what? “Buffy” was just too ahead of its time and eventually found its place with the cult favorite series. But that’s not to say that the original 1992 movie isn’t any fun, either. Taken as a stand alone horror comedy, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” actually manages to be a creepy, twisted, and very funny take on the vampire slayer mold, teaming an ass kicking valley girl against vampires. And Kristy Swanson is a better Buffy than Sarah Michelle Gellar. Teeming with 90’s paraphernalia, “Buffy” is dated, but definitely one of the better attempts at mixing vampires with comedy.

Surely enough it’s also a good gateway drug for anyone that wants to delve in to the horror genre without bathing in unnecessary gore, and heavy sexual themes. This variation of “Buffy” is “Clueless” meets “Lost Boys,” with Kristy Swanson playing the titular Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Cursed with visions and dreams of a past life involving a young girl seduced and eventually murdered by a vampire, Buffy slowly realizes her world is changing around her. Especially considering that the pains she’s experiencing are being accompanied by her sudden heightened strength, agility, endurance, and advanced senses. Buffy just wants to be a normal shallow valley girl whose world revolves around school dances and boys, but she eventually meets Merrick.

As played by Donald Sutherland, he proclaims she is one in a long line of vampire slayers, and is destined to guide her in her battle against the forces of darkness and the supernatural by acting as her “watcher.” Meanwhile, the immortal vampire Lothos has risen and begins feasting on local high schoolers, while Buffy realizes she has to train and eventually face off against the dreaded vampire master and his minions. “Buffy” has its share of problems, especially considering the fact that the entire grand plot of Lothos seems hellbent on eating Buffy and nothing more. All the while the face off and eventual death of the villainous vampire is abrupt and unsatisfying. I was also never sure how anyone would explain the vampires, but director Fran Rubel Kuzui approaches the material with absurdity so it’s a footnote that’s glossed over.

In either case, “Buffy” still entertains greatly, thanks to its hilarious script and slew of top notch performances. Luke Perry is fun as Buffy’s ally Oliver, while Kristy Swanson kills it as the sexy, smart alecky, and tough as nails Buffy. There’s also Donald Sutherland who is fun as Merrick, while Paul Ruebens is laugh out loud hilarious as Lothos’ second in command vampire Amilyn. He plays the role like Evil from “Fright Night” if he ever grew in to the role of blood sucker. While it’s been noted much of the dialogue is improvised, Reubens has fun the role, while also playing the resident punching bag. I still cackle at many of the one-liners, as well as Amilyn’s refusal to die after being staked. I also really find the martial arts throwdown between Buffy and the vampire minions in the fog pretty damn sleek. “Buffy” serves more as a fun guilty pleasure, but one that chooses to embrace the absurdity and run with it, as opposed to Whedon’s series that embraced the irony and wit.

Darkman III: Die Darkman Die (1996)

It’s interesting how solid the “Darkman” series ended up being. While “Darkman III” is by no means on par with Raimi’s original, it’s still a very entertaining exit for such a unique superhero. Director Bradford McKay pushes Darkman toward the Phantom of the Opera style super heroics rather than the grisly monster in the shadows this time around, and Arnold Vosloo returns to really provide a passionate turn as Peyton Westlake, once more. While Liam Neeson gets credit for the role, Vosloo really is a great successor in his own right.

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Sexy Rangers (2011)

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The original title for the film is “Big Boob Squad: Sexy Rangers.” Because based on the film, there’s something called Pai Energy that’s emitted from women’s “big bountiful breasts.” This somehow is the source of the power for the Sexy Rangers and their mission to fight crime and save—big boobs? I’m not sure, as I was distracted by the jiggling and colorful outfits. It’s clear that “Sexy Rangers” is a spoof of “Super Sentai,” and I was surprised to see how much fun this movie was. Even without the big boobs, it has its charms. The “Boob Squad” even has a robot sidekick named Pai 02 that has two huge eyes that resemble breasts. Somewhere Fred Olen Ray is watching from the sidelines with a proud smile a la Mr. Miyagi.

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The Substitute (1996)

Robert Mandel’s action thriller is one part “Rambo,” one part “Blackboard Jungle,” and one part “Lethal Weapon” that really never quite comes together in to anything impressive. When the dust has settled it’s merely a mediocre shoot em up with a gimmick that director Mandel only rolls with until mid-way in to the narrative. “The Substitute” really only presses the idea of a mercenary posing as a substitute teacher until it runs out of steam. Then it becomes a monotonous movie about mercenaries battling a drug cartel.

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Double Dragon (1994)

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I don’t know how the hell you screw up “Double Dragon.” It’s a beat em up video game set in the future where two warriors Jimmy and Billy (or Bimmy if you’ve played the video game) have to save their girlfriend from a humongous crime syndicate. There could have been so much to go on with this concept, and it might have made for a wicked great apocalyptic action film. Instead, much like “Mortal Kombat,” it’s neutered for kids, and sucked of all of its originality. Even at eleven years old I knew “Double Dragon” sucked. And I liked everything, back then. Even the Marvel Comics mini-series had more of a toothy, edgy vision of the video games than this movie did.

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Mercenaries (2014)

You have to give it to the Asylum. Not only did they beat the studios to the punch on the female “Expendables” movie, but they cast actual brawlers for the roles of their titular Mercenaries. While Hollywood may be going for wafer thin women on their own version, “Mercenaries” brings aboard a lot of the obvious suspects of what a female “Expendables” movie should rightfully be composed of. Cynthia Rothrock is the leader, and the heroes of the film are Zoë Bell, Vivica A. Fox, Nicole Bilderback, and Kristanna Loken, while Brigitte Nielsen pulls up the rear as the film’s villainess. It’s a very impressive line up for a movie with seemingly half the budget of “The Expendables.”

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Tekken 2: Kazuya’s Revenge (2014)

Good news, everyone! We got a “Tekken” sequel! We didn’t ask for one, and it’s likely a lot of people forgot there was a live action movie, in the first place, but we got a “Tekken” sequel, anyway. This isn’t so much a sequel, though, as it is the production company taking all the left over parts and producing a follow up with almost no plot, or characterization. Not that the “Tekken” games had much of the former, anyway. But fans of “Tekken” (all five of them) will be annoyed to see that Jin is nowhere to be seen, Heihachi is only a small player in the narrative, and now series antagonist Kazuya is the main hero of the sequel. Hey, no one’s paying attention, so why be loyal to the games?

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