ABC Family’s “The Initiation of Sarah” isn’t an awful quasi-horror film, it’s just incredibly weak and bland. It’s never intentionally a very weak film, it’s just so lost in its own attempts to mimic a certain show about yakking women that it can’t find its own niche. What do you expect from a movie whose heroine has sex to prevent from being sacrificed as a virgin? “The Initiation of Sarah” is like a harder edged “Sabrina,” it’s a PG-13 “Suspiria,” and while that’s not always a bad thing, it’s just never interesting enough to warrant my full attention.
Tag Archives: Remake
The Island (2005)
It was no surprise to me that “The Island” was dumb. It was idiotic, it was ludicrous, it was moronic, and it was every other homonym for the word stupid I can think of. It’s Michael Bay for crying out loud. I was actually looking forward to Bay’s most recent shit pile, only because it seemed to have an original concept to it, but man, whatever potential this has to be a story about life, and exploring the world beyond what we’re presented with is thrown out the window thirty minutes in, when it becomes a typical stunt show.
The Wicker Man (2006)
To his credit, Neil Labute kept the original ending from the original 1975 masterpiece, and that’s something to look forward to. Why should you watch it if the film basically follows the original almost down to the tee? Well, there’s no reason. Morbid curiosity, watching Nicolas Cage continue his monotone dialoguing, or the whimsical scenery, you’ll find a reason. But what’s lost is the dark humor the original maintained, and that’s a shame. Now our detective is no longer a god-fearing bible thumping intruder who stomps around wielding his cross, he’s now just a moody, sad intruder who insinuates himself into this man hating village of women.
Pulse (2006)
This is my review, I’m writing it right now, on my computer, on my black keyboard, currently I’m very sleepy, and I’m hoping to catch some sleep after I’ve finished my work, I’m writing this review of “Pulse”, a movie, that came out in theaters. Tedious? Yes. But that’s what sitting through “Pulse” was like, a remake that feels it needs to hold our hand and explain every little plot aspect to us every minute of its entire fucking run time. Tedious, no? Well, if you haven’t heard, we’re too stupid to understand a story, so Dimension has to guide us through every single character and sub-plot just because we can’t catch up.
The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi (2003)
Not many people are aware of it, but I’m a huge fan of the “Zatoichi” series. I love the series, and I’ve seen almost all of them, so when I was finally able to get my hands on the Beat Takeshi sequel, I was ecstatic. What made Zatoichi was that Shintaro Katsu presented such an inept and humble distinction to him that he was never thought to be a dangerous persona, but Katsu strived in making Zatoichi so unassuming, yet so utterly deadly. Katsu was short, chubby, and seemingly incapable of being able to learn any sort of arts, but once criminals crossed Ichi’s path, he spoke loudly with his rapid fire sword work. For those unaware of the character, Zatoichi is an ex-yakuza who lost his eyesight during a war, and became a masseur traveling across the land as an anti-hero.
The Omen (2006)
I’m tired of singing the same song about remakes over and over. I’m tired of being angry about the studios taking a classic and ruining it. And it’s a waste of energy especially since I have no power to stop them, and you idiots will just go to see whatever the commercial man tells you to see. So I’ll just save it and review the damn movie. Much like Gus Van Sant remaking “Psycho”, this remake of the Omen is an interesting shot by shot reproduction with many liberties taken in minimal aspects of plot and character, but it has a nasty habit of being rather unnecessary.
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)
About a little under a year ago, a filmmaker named Russell Emanuel sent over a film called “Girl with Gun”, about a single girl who has to balance her single life, career, and job as a hit man all at the same time. I loved that movie and it was a little under twenty minutes long. That film, an independent film, was fun, light, and breezy and managed to grasp its concept with enough entertaining novelty, that it felt too damn short. With “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”, I didn’t get that feeling. And I wanted to enjoy it, I really, really did. But I couldn’t. And why? Well, mostly because “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” takes itself much too seriously. One thing I can’t begrudge “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” for is its excellent direction.