See, here is what I hate in porn: Artsy fartsy. Whenever a porno director convinces himself that he’s going to make something other than another stag movie and tries his hand at arthouse, it’s really annoying. Case in point: “The Devil Inside Her,” a mixture of Andy Warhol, Merchant-Ivory, and “The Crucible,” Zebedy Colt attempts an actual story in an hour, and fails with laughable results. To call this a pure monstrosity is an under statement, as every bit of direction and dialogue is painful, while even the hardcore porn is reduced to satire that fails to be even the slightest bit arousing.
Tag Archives: Satanic
The Devil's Music (2008)
I’ve been interested in much of what Jinx Media has supplied horror geeks over the last few years. Say what you want about independent horror movies, but there are studios out there trying for originality, and Jinx Media seems to be accomplishing it for the most part. First there was “Killer Killer,” which I found to be an utter blast, and now the UK based studio brings “The Devil’s Music.” Pat Higgins’ mock documentary, a film that will completely bring down audiences guards presuming to be one thing and then progressively transforms into a horror movie. Surely, it’s one of the finest indies of 2008, with production values that are immaculate. Everything from the mock concert performances, to the talk show interviews is shockingly genuine, and the story of Erika Spawn is even better.
5ive Girls (2006)
You just have to appreciate a horror movie that asks you to take it seriously, all the while having an opening theme song of techno pop set to Ron Perlman’s voice quoting bible passages. That’s new. “5ive Girls” is another religious themed supernatural low budget fest that really attempts to think of itself as a sequel of “The Craft.” And trust me if you’ve seen the aforementioned title, then you really have no obligation to see this. Alex just moved into town with her father, and is forced to attend a local reformatory that takes in wayward girls. Alex, of course, possesses telekinesis, and is really disobedient and sure enough, she finds friends in the individuals reform school girls who all discover they serve a higher purpose. They are apparently the Supernatural friends, five girls who possess unique abilities, including Alex who is pretty much Carrie White but hotter. Fans of “Charmed” and the Fairuza Balk vehicle will definitely find interest in this thriller, as it basically really takes a great premise and does nothing really exciting with it.
Sonoda’s “5ive Girls” isn’t an awful movie by any standards, but the attempts at murk and atmosphere pretty much sap every bit of energy and pacing from the story and performances. There are your usual clichés including a sympathetic priest, a monstrous head mistress, lesbian subtext, the usual arguments between the female students, and the constant flashing of the pentagram. “5ive Girls” is such a run of the mill supernatural film that the concept never really garnered any interest my way. The characters are all so interchangeable and forgettable. One can walk through walls, one can heal through touch and yet I really couldn’t point out which girl had which power if you asked me to. The sad fact is that the film really sells itself as a hip Gothic parade of black magic and evil and yet has the lagging pace of “Whispering Corridors.”
Sonoda’s direction really doesn’t add much to the lagging proceedings in the end, and in spite of all the attempts to spin the formula, this story has been done and much better. In a reform school of apparently only five girls, they do nothing but yap back and forth with no real substance or interesting exchanges, and the visions continue just to remind us that we’re watching a horror film. We already know who the demonic entity challenging them is, and we’re well aware that the girl power message will strive to defeat the demon in the end; “5ive Girls” holds no surprises, and is just flat out dull. Sonoda’s supernatural horror flick would be a lot of fun if it wasn’t so boring, rehashed, and cliché. “5ive Girls” has a great concept to it, with some good names behind it, but it just fails to muster anything memorable or entertaining from the groundwork it lays down before us.
Ghost Rider (2007)
I tell you. I tell you. “Ghost Rider” had potential, friends. “Ghost Rider” under the right set of creators, competent direction, and writers it could have been one hell of a violent horror thriller with Ghost Rider not only serving as a horrifying anti-hero, but also a potential villain if not careful. With someone like maybe Clive Barker, along with a hard R and zero camp, “Ghost Rider” would have been a horror fan’s wet dream, but alas, we’re left with this. One of the most brutal crimes from Johnson’s screenplay is that he shamelessly cribs from the “Spawn” film. And if you’ve ever seen it, you’ll know that it’s hardly the source material capable for a competent film to begin with.
June 9 (2006)
Ah, “The Blair Witch Project.” Now a canon for budget horror filmmaking, whether we like it or not. Some people love the film, some people utterly despise it. I love it, personally, but I’m always very weary at budget films that copy the formula. This concept is very difficult to mimic. Sometimes it comes off well, and sometimes we have nothing but a bunch of dipsticks running around with a camera screaming like morons, sans the tension and suspense. I can count the number of films that achieved this formula on one hand, and surprisingly, “June 9” did it right most of the time.
The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)
Rule number one: Casting one of the most irritating actors of all time in a sequel to one of my favorite movies of all time is not a wise move, and is right earning of an old fashioned smack down. The newest craperrific sequel to one of the best films I’ve ever seen earns itself a place in my shit list casting Eddie Furlong as the hero. Furlong is just not hero material, and that’s one of the many mistakes of “Wicked Prayer”. It’s bad enough everyone here looks bored as hell, but Furlong’s character Jimmy Cuervo is a boring man who has no characterization.
Voodoo Moon (2005)
Outside of Buffy geeks, I really don’t see what reason you could have for liking “Voodoo Moon”. It’s a limp semi-action fantasy that uses the device of Voodoo as an excuse to expose its superhero, said hero is in the form of Eric Mabius who looks like quasi-Brandon Lee circa 1994. He’s dressed like a Goth, but really is a Voodoo shaman who is forced to fight off an evil entity that killed his mom and dad when he was a child. He enlists the help of his sister, played by Charisma Carpenter, who has a penchant for drawing pictures that foretell the future. And that’s really all she’s good for.