Machine Head (2014)

Posted on October 10, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

Jim Valdez’s “Machine Head” is a triple threat. The acting is abysmal, the directing is bush league, and the writing is incoherent nonsense. And what’s worse is the movie seems to be competing with itself to see which aspect is worse than the others. This results in a nearly unwatchable and putrid horror film that has no idea what it wants to be. Sometimes it’s a thriller, sometimes a slasher, and sometimes a road horror film in the vein of “Duel.” Truly, when you see the final scene that book ends this tripe, you’ll laugh, roll your eyes, and move on to something worth your time.

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P2 (2007)

Posted on October 10, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

Franck Khalfoun’s “P2” is such a fun over the top woman in peril horror movie that even the worst aspects of it compliment the experience. West Bentley as the villain chews every bit of scenery to the point where he even seems to be competing with the dog he co-stars with, and eventually the gorgeous Rachel Nichols is put in to a slinky white dress and remains in it for the duration of the movie. But you can’t help but enjoy “P2,” either way since it amounts to a fun albeit formula slasher thriller.

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Mothman (2010)

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

With a B movie like “Mothman,” you can only laugh it off. What keeps the film from really taking off as an effective horror entry is that it’s so painfully derivative of “I Know What You Did Last Summer.” Jewel Staite stars as Katharine, a young girl a part of a small group that goes camping. One night during a swim with her friends, they decide to pull a prank on the youngest in the group resulting in an accidental drowning. So frightened are they by this that they decide to cover it up, and pretend it was one big accident. Why?

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Kill (2011)

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

Much as I hate to admit it, “Saw 2” pretty much aced the concept of the strangers waking up in mysterious circumstances scenario that’s become so prevalent in modern horror. Directors Chad Archibald, and Gabriel Carrer don’t even seem to try with “Kill,” which is just another variation on the premise from “Saw 2,” except “Kill” is filled with so much more inconsistencies. Not to mention the cast is filled with terrible actors portraying obnoxious characters that literally do nothing but bicker and argue from the first moment they wake up in a mysterious house.

A group of people wake up in a house that’s been boarded up and barred down. They soon realize they’re being terrorized by a mysterious entity watching them, and proclaims that in order to survive and make it home to their significant others, they have to kill each other. Nope, this isn’t “Battle Royale,” although I’d bet the parallels aren’t a mistake. The surviving member of the group gets to go home. I think. Why are the victims awoken in white clothing? Who knows? What is the relevance of the connection that inevitably rises to the surface in the middle of the terror? I wasn’t sure, and I immediately stopped trying to care. What do the tiki men signify? What’s with all the imagery of knights and medieval drapery? And what are the TV’s even for?

Details and plot devices are brought up and abruptly rendered invalid moments later, and there’s just no plot progression until the final twenty minutes. There are even stunning moments of sheer stupidity, like when one of the characters confirms one of the victims has a pulse, prompting another character to ask “Is he alive?” And you have to enjoy how the characters break free from the house while a character screams “Stop! This is someone’s house!” The production is pretty poor as well, with bad editing, and really dicey direction that never fulfills the intended illusion of claustrophobia and paranoia. One of the most distracting elements of “Kill” that tore me out of the narrative was the bad sound.

I don’t know if the rooms on the sets echoed, or if there was ambient sound dripping in to the movie set, but every piece of dialogue sounds canned. So much so that you could almost swear the movie was dubbed. There’s a lot of really ambiguous plot elements brought up and featured with no real clarification, and truthfully I never cared to ponder what I’d seen. I was just happy it ended. “Kill” is terrible because it feels incomplete, rushed, and incredibly half hearted. Almost as if the directors just made points up as they went along. I’m also assuming the directors thought they’d lay the ground work for a follow up. I don’t think there’s any kind of material available for another droning ninety minutes of pointless violence and a script that’s one note and with zero narrative.

Vanishing on 7th Street (2010)

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

I never thought I’d hate a post apocalyptic movie for being too grim and miserable. But surely enough one of the biggest downfalls of “Vanishing on 7th Street” is that it’s so downbeat it cuts off any chance of entertainment. I know that grim and hopeless moods come with tales about the end of the world, but director Brad Anderson almost has nothing to do with his premise and concept, thus he revolves his story around a series of very unlikable characters. It’s a shame considering director Brad Anderson is such a competent often brilliant director, but he’s behind the camera lensing what is an obviously incomplete movie.

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Mosquito (1995)

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

“You’re living science fact!”

An alien ship crash lands in a swamp in the wilderness. But that’s unimportant–giant mosquitoes! What about the aliens, you say? Who cares? Giant Mosquitoes! It’s too bad we never saw what happened when humans drank alien blood. Do they too become gigantic? I think we deserve an answer. Director Gary Jones’ “Mosquito” is pure mid-nineties STV junk, but damn is it a good time. If you’re going to name a movie “Mosquito” (and it’s not a metaphor) you’d better serve us some giant mosquitoes, and director Jones supplies the goods.

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Deadly Weekend (2013)

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

“Deadly Weekend” (AKA “Zellwood”) is one of those very poorly put together horror movies where every aspect of the production is shaky. So much so that you can sense the cast spend more time struggling not to acknowledge the camera than they do trying to get in to character. There’s even a very brief introduction in the beginning involving the owner of an airboat in the film and his daughters. The two tween actors spend their screen time so blatantly trying to stay in the scene without ruining the take, that it’s pretty embarrassing. Sadly, they play key roles in the narrative, mid-way.

“Deadly Weekend” is yet another back woods horror slasher about a group of friends having one last booze and fuck fest before they all move away from one another. Model and former playmate Sara Jean Underwood is pushed front and center for this eighty minute waste of time, for the simple fact that she’s not only the most notable name in the cast, but is pretty damn gorgeous. Director Sutton is wise to feature her in as many skimpy outfits as possible, including a tank top that barely clings to her for most of the movie. Not surprisingly Underwood is not much of an actress, and the movie itself just feels like cobbled together takes all edited to present the illusion of a seamless narrative.

If you’re investing time in “Deadly Weekend” for the sake of ogling Underwood, just look her pictures up online. You’ll save yourself some IQ points. Director Jason Sutton’s film amounts to literally nothing, watching like a lame student horror film where the script was a mere after thought. Instead there’s a ton of gore and torture effects, all of which have zero impact, because we never get to know or like the heroes, and we never get to really fear the villains. The latter of which are so utterly over the top and cartoonish, it’s tough to believe anyone could have a difficult time battling them, let alone four very fit thirty year olds.

The villains are utterly inexplicable and their introductions so random, I had a hard time forcing back laughter most of the time. Sutton fills the movie up with so much filler and padding that you could literally edit the movie to forty minutes and length and probably come out with something a little less embarrassing. From the overlong red herring opening scenes, to the endless rambling dialogue between the characters that bear no relevance to the movie’s resolution, “Deadly Weekend” mainly just seems to want to build up to the blood soaked finale. You can’t really root for four people that camp out near a muddy lake while their busty girlfriends work on their tan during an obviously cloudy afternoon. Production aside, “Deadly Weekend” is really just an empty, ridiculous horror entry that brings nothing to table. The acting is horrific, the script is paper thin, and the ultimate resolution is pitiful.