Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

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It’s Jason vs. the eighties version of Carrie White. Because… why the hell not, right? At this point the Paramount series had just about run out of ideas for characters. Tommy Jarvis imprisoned Jason in his underwater chamber doomed to float for all eternity, and there was really nowhere left to go from here. It’s almost like the ending of “H20.” Laurie Strode chopped Michael’s head off. The end! But is it? Yeah, it is. Oh really? No. No it’s not. Aw hell, let’s squeeze another sequel out of our corn holes! I need a new Porsche!

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Cargo (2013)

Yolanda Ramke and Ben Howling’s short zombie film is a masterpiece. It’s mature, beautifully told, and I was teary eyed by the final scenes. “Cargo” is set during a zombie apocalypse, and both directors only garner eight minutes to tell a story teeming with epic potential. It could be a feature film, but as a short glimpse at a world of the undead, it’s a slice of humanity set amidst monsters in a rapidly decaying land.

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Paintball (2009)

Director Daniel Benmayor seems to want to create his own version of “Battle Royale” with a hint of “Saw” and “Predator” mixed in to the fold. In the process, he manages to create one of the most moronic genre entries in a very long time. “Paintball” tries to take a normal sport and turn it on its head, in hopes of becoming something in the arena of “Jaws.” But the only thing this movie will inspire you not to do is watch it again. “Paintball” works against logic and common sense from the get go by writing characters that are all numbskulls. They’re so idiotic that when it becomes painfully clear they’re being hunted, they still hold their paintball guns in front of them like weapons and aim. What were they hoping to do with ineffective paintballs? Stain the killer to death?

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You Have to See This! Who Can Kill a Child? (1976)

2012 saw the remake of “Who Can Kill a Child?” hit many movie festivals under the new title “Come Out and Play.” And while that movie has been, from what I’ve seen, met with mixed reviews on a mostly negative arena (one worst of 2012 list included the remake in its worst ten), there’s no denying that “Who Can Kill a Child?” will never actually be replaced.

When Tom and Evelyn seek to vacation in Spain, even in spite of reports of adult bodies washing ashore mutilated beyond repair, they go to a local tourist island for food, dance, and laughs only to discover the island has been taken over by children. And these almost infinite groups of prepubescent terrors are intent on viciously murdering anyone and everyone who isn’t a child. Can Tom and Evelyn survive long enough to make it off the island and back to shore to warn civilization?

While folks often cite “Village of the Damned” and or “Children of the Corn” as downright horrifying examples of children run amok and transformed in to monsters of terror, there’s often the omission of the 1976 Spanish horror film “Who Can Kill a Child?” An often shocking and absolutely disturbing film, director Narciso Ibáñez Serrador’s has been very misunderstood and gone through a lot of phases during its life. It’s been banned in certain countries and has been re-titled almost a dozen times.

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It goes by its original moniker “¿Quién puede matar a un niño?” as well as “Island of the Damned,” “The Hex Massacre,” “Death is Child’s Play,” “Island of Death,” “The Killer’s Playground,” “Trapped,” and “Would You Kill a Child?” Not to mention it’s been edited down from its original form splicing out many of the murders in the film that revolve around children. In 2007, Dark Sky Films released a special edition unrated DVD of the film in its uncut glory, positing the film as something of an inexplicable turning of the tide in regards to man against nature, while Hitchcock’s “The Birds” showed what would happen if nature’s inexplicably turned man into its number one enemy.

“Who Can Kill a Child?” shows what would happen if children suddenly decided that they simply have had enough of the adult population and became murderous, merciless monsters. The dilemma posed by the film is could you really kill a child? More on point, if your sweet seven year old daughter suddenly started attacking you with a machete intent on murdering you and bathing in your blood, could you murder her in self defense? “Who Can Kill a Child?” is an unnerving and calculated horror film that shows what happens when children just flip a switch and decide that friend or foe, they’re massacring every adult in the general vicinity. In one very horrifying instance, a mother screams at her son and daughter to go outside and even smacks them on the behind to get them moving.

The brother and sister are greeted by the swarm of psychotic ankle biters who approach the siblings, softly whispering in their ears in an almost inaudible string of words. Suddenly the looks of innocence and smiles on the siblings inexplicably transform in to sheer gleams of blood lust. When their mother greets them outside demanding they get to work her offspring are unresponsive, and behind her groups of children trickle down from the rocks preparing to unleash ungodly acts of pain on her.

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Director Narciso Ibáñez Serrador doesn’t really display much exposition behind the source of this evil; he just shows the audience that this turn of events was inevitable with footage of children being massacred during various wars, and young kids starving to death in villages. All of whom are casualties of the violent conflicts. When Tom and his pregnant wife Evelyn arrive at the local island prepared to relax during their vacation, they’re disturbed to discover that all of the adults on the island are nowhere to be found, and what civilization there are consists of children that run around seemingly innocent and committed to their own secret doings in the darkness.

When Tom and Evelyn discover that the children have not only slaughtered every adult on the island, but have made a game out of mutilating an old man in the village square, the fight for their lives become ever more harrowing, as the angelic monsters will stop at nothing to kill the duo. Narciso Ibáñez Serrador is never above tugging at the heart strings of audiences giving them some material to cringe at. Save for the ghastly prologue, there’s a moment where a male survivor is lured to his death by his bawling daughter who begs for her dad to bring her home after she’s injured herself, only for him to meet immediate death. And in one of the most creative death scenes I’ve ever witnessed in a horror film, wife Evelyn meets her fate in a manner you’ll never see coming.

“Who Can Kill a Child?” is a grueling and very harrowing horror masterpiece with a thick sense of urgency and an atmosphere that signals this sudden transformation is definitely in the favor of the cherubic moppets with the inability to show quarter toward their adult counterparts. It’s a gem that vastly outweighs “Village of the Damned” as an evil children feature.

You Have to See This! Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988)

This is one of the many horror films from the eighties that features the trio of Scream Queen goddesses. Yes, Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer all star in one of the funniest and best horror comedies of the late eighties. Directed on a very low budget and on very limited scenery, “Sorority Babes” works as a low budget trash fest, and a goofy little time waster you can chuckle to. Tri Delta is looking to initiate their two newest recruits! After catching three nerds from the local fraternity watching the initiation, the trio, along with a few sorority sisters are forced to break in to the local Bowl-O-Rama at night and steal a prized trophy as a prank.

Accidentally unleashing a magical imp within the sacred trophy after knocking it over, they unleash Ol’ Uncle Impy, a magical imp who offers to grant their wildest dreams. After they all take advantage and are granted their own wishes, they find that often times, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Also known as “The Imp,” seasoned director David DeCouteau directs this goofy horror comedy that I was first introduced to back in the nineties. I fondly remember watching the edited version for “Sorority Babes” on USA’s Up All Night on cable television and always wanted to re-watch it.

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Years later, I bought the DVD and had a blast. Along with “The Gonk,” and “It’s Party Time” Bob Parr’s “Here In The Darkness,” the theme song to “Sorority Babes” has permanently burned itself in to my brain, and it’s fun to see such an eerie theme song for such a goofy horror comedy. Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer are on the receiving of a lot of gratuitous nudity as they’re spanked in the opening shots of the film for a sorority initiation for Tri Delta. While there, three geeks are caught and are forced in to the final act of being admitted in to Tri Delta. Ol’ Uncle Impy is one of the most unusual horror villains ever created. A combination of low budget puppetry and tricky lighting, he’s a trophy imp that grants wishes, and surely enough he can’t be trusted.

Linnea Quigley co-stars in one of the rare roles where she keeps all of her clothes on as juvenile delinquent Spider. She’s caught breaking in to arcades for petty change, and ends up having to fight for her life and live through the night. Impy can be tricked, but how? Most of the movie spends its time on the wishes granted and the painful fall out that comes from the wishes that begin to turn sour in a matter of hours. One sorority girl wishes to be a queen with her clothes rotting, one character wishes to be rich only for the treasure to be meaningless, and another character wishes for a girlfriend only for this girl to be incredibly aroused and aggressive when it comes to getting laid.

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Meanwhile, the janitor of the Bowl-O-Rama is unfortunately stuck in his bathroom and oblivious to the horror happening all around him. Quigley decided she wanted a role as a punk this time around, and dons the punk attire as heroine Spider, who fends off the monsters machinations through this bowl o rama. Keeping money tight, the movie is set in the bowl o rama over night where no one is around, giving DeCouteau a real advantage in giving the setting mood and atmosphere without trying too hard to light the sets. Of course, all of the horror and turmoil dies out before opening time at the bowl o rama. This allows the characters to roam around chasing each other, and learning about the convoluted origin of Ol’ Uncle Impy and how he can turn a good wish in to a bad situation.

I, for one, love Uncle Impy. He’s a bargain basement villain who could have worked in a sequel if they ever had the budget for one. I could see the allure of asking for a wish from the Djinn in “Wishmaster,” but from a little demon in a bowling trophy? Come on, kids. Just say no. “Sorority Babes” is one of the last gasps of eighties horror, and it’s a delightfully goofy delicacy you can kick back to. If only to see Quigley reprise her punk attire yet again. Whether you know it as “The Imp,” or “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama,” this is a heck of a good horror comedy with the trifecta of scream queens doing battle with a horrific imp. They just don’t make movies like this anymore.

The Theme Song to “Sorority Babes”:

The Day (2012)

The-Day-2012-backgroundFor fans of post apocalyptic cinema who love their fiction with subtext and undertones of society and class warfare, you’d probably want to look elsewhere for your brain food. Goodness knows I loves my apocalyptic fiction, but “The Day” is purely apocalypse porn with an artsy gloss added to it for good measure. Director Doug Aarniokoski tries to conceal the fact that this movie is basically a clumsy and one-dimensional action film by lensing the entire film through a black and white filter that saps the color, and directing almost every shot with a hand held camera. Someone at Anchor Bay or WWE studios loves John Carpenter’s “Assault on Precinct 13” because 2012’s “The Day” is basically an end of the world version of it.

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Primal (2010)

primal11You would think a survivalist horror film about a group of campers fighting off monsters born from stagnant infected lake water would be material for a gripping and intense horror film. But you’d be wrong. In fact, most of “Primal” is quite tedious and rote. I wanted to be choked with tension throughout most of “Primal” and just found myself basically yawning and zoning out for the most part. I wish I could attribute it to being high, but I’m not one to get high. In either case, “Primal” is pretty derivative of Bava’s “Demons,” where anyone who ingests the tainted water find themselves transforming in to demonic beings in an instant.

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