Basically, Gorman Bechard’s “Cemetery High” is a comedy spoof of every rape revenge movie you’ve ever seen. Except when it tries to be funny, it fails painfully. When it tries for exploitation revenge, it manages to be a pretty absurd and interesting bit of revenge horror. I wonder why someone thought mocking this material would make for an entertaining movie. Granted, the tale of women striking down rapists isn’t exactly a dramatic bit of cinematic fare, especially in the late eighties, but mocking the material so incessantly feels so shoe horned, the comedy is awkward rather than unfunny.
Category Archives: Movie Reviews
Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012)
“Emancipate this!”
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself. And of course, flesh eating Confederate zombies. Those things are always a bugger on countries and whatnot. Those dang confederate zombies. After a prologue showing young Mr. Lincoln beheading his undead father with an axe, he soon discovers years in to his presidency that Confederate soldiers are rising from their graves and are spreading along the country to wreak havoc on the living. Abraham Lincoln takes it upon himself to lead the charge and stop the siege of the undead with a secret mission, and soon must fight for his life against hordes of the walking dead, alongside his brethren of pistol shooting suited men. “Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies” is basically “Night of the Living Dead” but with a very twisted historical context. Instead of a farm house there’s a military fort, and instead of a group of survivors, there’s Abe Lincoln, a young Teddy Roosevelt, and a bunch of other characters that double for cannon fodder for the zombies.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)
Though I never actually had the opportunity to read Seth Grahame-Smith’s original novel, director Timur Bekmambetov’s treatment of the revisionist novel is one of the more interesting horror movies I’ve ever seen. Not only does the film skirt the edges of camp, but it accomplishes the wonderful sense of surrealism and whimsy that Bekmambetov’s “Night Watch” films held so proudly. “Vampire Hunter” carries with it a lot of prospects for future installments, and it’s a very clever and often exciting bit of action horror that delivers on exactly what its title promises. There is Abraham Lincoln, and he does indeed stalk and hunt vampires for a great portion of the film.
Rocky (1976)
If you want a true picture of the mind of Sylvester Stallone and how he approaches his life, his 1976 underdog drama “Rocky” is the best film to turn to. For an insight in to his upbringing “Rocky” bring audiences very close to Stallone. Rocky Balboa is a man who grew up in the sticks and lives his life by the bare minimum. He’s a petty boxer who spends most of his time as a lunk head strong arm for local loan sharks. But deep down he has a heart of gold and a determination that’s both admirable and completely undiscovered. Deep down Stallone is Rocky Balboa, that street hood who had to show the world that he’s so much more than a ghetto hood.
And while “Rocky” is the story of Rocky Balboa’s rise to garner respect and love from the world, Stallone ultimately garnered respect and acclaim by writing what is still the best boxing drama ever made. “Rocky” has heart, soul, and is still one of the most riveting romances ever depicted. A genuine beauty and the beast story, “Rocky” depicts Balboa as a man of unappreciated wisdom and love who spends most of his time dodging violence around him, and seeking ways to fuel his love for the sport of boxing. When he meets young Adrian as a favor to his friend Pauly, Rocky discovers a kindred spirit in the young woman who has also retreated in to a life of the bare minimum, composing her livelihood based around expectations from her friends and family.
The great Talia Shire is magnificent as the meek Adrian who is a reserved and bookish young woman that eventually bursts from her shell thanks to the confidence from Rocky, who sees something deep down in her soul that no one else bothers to look for. Forming a unique bond, Adrian also begins to see a perseverance and sheer courage in Rocky that she knows can elevate him beyond a street hood that everyone else expects him to be. When undefeated heavyweight boxer Apollo Creed loses his chance at a bout, he decides to build up his image by fishing out a local boxer from Philadelphia to grab a chance at the title. Expecting a wash out from the beginning, Apollo and his team recruit Rocky Balboa.
Known as “The Italian Stallion” around the boxing circuit, Apollo is confident Rocky will put on a good show but prove no match. Rocky decides that he can become a champion and soon rises to the challenge and aims for the heavyweight belt. Burgess Meredith gives an equally amazing performance as Rocky’s crusty trainer Mickey who not only shows Rocky how powerful he can truly be, but also becomes his surrogate father over the course of the story. “Rocky” doesn’t so much become about Balboa as a man proving everyone wrong, but proving to himself he’s worth much more than everyone ever told him he was. Stallone gives the best performance of his career as this humble gentle giant who has a lot of love and wisdom to give and no one to really offer it to.
When he finds the opportunity to show that he can rise above the slums and live a life of relevance, it becomes the central focus of the story offering some of the most grueling and compelling moments of obstacles and hardship. “Rocky” builds up to a wonderful action packed climax that’s still among the best sports cinema has to offer, and as a break out film and an ode to the under dog, “Rocky” is still the best ever created. A crowning achievement in Sylvester Stallone’s career as a writer and a performer, “Rocky” is a marvel of dramatic cinema with compelling themes of love and hardship along with a riveting romance. It’s the classic tale of the under dog proving he’s worth a damn in the eyes of the world and himself and an unparalleled cinematic masterpiece.
Buy It Now!
Deadly Friend (1986)
One of the many movies I first saw when I was a kid that didn’t really cater to the Disney movie standards enforced on me by my parents, that incidentally enough helped nurture my love for movies, was Wes Craven’s 1986 horror romance “Deadly Friend.” For those completely unaware, “Deadly Friend” one of the least notable Wes Craven horror pictures even if it’s his most creative after “Nightmare on Elm Street.” Merging a science fiction killer robot concept with a revenge plot, director Craven tells the story of a young genius who moves to a new town to work on a project at the local college. You see this young man has a thorough understanding of the brain, and is destined for great things. Which is made apparent by his robotic sidekick BB.
Argo (2012)
Ben Affleck is quickly on his way to becoming one of my favorite modern film directors. His complete re-invention as a mediocre actor to a very understated and incredibly complex director has been an experience worth watching unfold, and “Argo” is the further metamorphosis of a man who has miles to go to show everyone he’s anything but a pretty face. Affleck’s portrayal of an expert expatriate is nowhere near the sensationalistic character the director has the potential to depict him as. Affleck stars as Tony Mendez, a conflicted and troubled agent who has to sneak in to Iran to save the lives of a small group of people stuck in the middle of a violent revolt.
Bully (2012) (DVD)
What “Bully” sets out to do is show that bullying as a whole and as a concept is not something that’s going to go away very easily. And any time soon. Many critics regarded this film as a failure for not giving us sources to help fight bullying. But “Bully” really isn’t about being a resource for folks to help the cause against bullying. What the film is intent on accomplishing is showing America, and the world, that bullying is a very real and very damaging problem, and will affect everyone involved within its horrible circle. It’s up to audiences to get up and look for ways to snuff out the epidemic bullying in classes and in schools before we have to read about yet another group of children massacring a high school of innocent victims because they weren’t being heard or helped.