Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Easy A (2010)

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Hi there, this is me. Felix Vasquez. In the minority. Again. It’s a comfortable place, I’ve built an ass groove, and everything. Anyway. “Easy A” is one of the most smug movies of 2010, and when I mean smug, I mean every single inch of dialogue is so intent on being clever and some sort of bon mot, that there’s simply no humanity to the story. For a movie that purports to be a comedy, it is so focused on being funny, it fails to be remotely humorous, and every character spouts at least four or five one-liners in succession, moving along a story that is supposed to be as in vogue and hip as a normal MTV show. Continue reading →

Suicide Girls Must Die! (2010)

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HLBDa0I think deep down Sawa Suicide just assumed that horror fans alike would universally embrace “Suicide Girls Must Die” for the simple fact that it’s a horror movie with a lot of hot girls from the actual website. Granted, I am a huge fan of the Suicide Girls (seriously, these women are insanely beautiful) but just because something is even slightly popular, it doesn’t mean it warrants a movie. And you can hide all of the flaws and cheese behind the fact that it’s a horror film, but even so. The fact that anyone assumed this would be even the least bit entertaining is beyond me and displays a bit of hubris in the notion that the Suicide Girls attachment would mean rave reviews.

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Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet (2005)

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bgodpI have a thing for Misty Mundae. She has a cute perky little body and a ghetto booty you can just sleep in for days. She has a gorgeous face that doesn’t require too much make-up and she can pull off ridiculous comedy. And if you saw her in “Masters of Horror,” she’s not a bad actress. But most of her career has been spent making some of the worst movies of all time, the lowest common denominator entertainment titles involving zombies, and monsters, all of which are so bottom of the barrel, they’re practically non-existent. “Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet” is one of those awful movies. Clocking in at barely an hour, this horrible softcore porn is basically an excuse to show display mild girl on girl.

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Troll (1986)

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TROLLI remember the moment in “Best Worst Movie” where one of the stars of “Troll 2” are looking at a DVD box of “Troll” and “Troll 2” at a video store, and the clerk explains that the movie meant for the bad movie section of the shop is “Troll 2.” After finally watching “Troll” I can safely say that this absolutely unbearable film should also be in the same category as the film that ventured in to the town of Nilbog. Harry Potter and his family have just moved in to a mysterious apartment complex directly near a small wooded area. Upon discovering their surroundings, irritating little sister Wendy entering the basement, she’s captured by a troll, and the monster takes on her form. Rather than playing it cool and sneaking about the apartment building, the troll of course begins wreaking havoc acting like a hyperactive child for reasons never actually explained, and biding its time by venturing around the building making mischief.

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Sleepwalking (2008)

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sleepwalkingspanDirector William Maher’s drama is not so much a story about Anna Sophia Robb’s character nor is it particularly about Charlize Theron, but a story about Nick Stahl’s protagonist James. Beaten down by life to the point where he is perpetually inept and in a funk, James is a man who gets through life as much as possible by soaking in the bile life hands him with a casual shrug and enduring about as much from the people in his life as possible. He is so absolutely immune to personal pain and stress he is constantly mistaken as mentally disabled. He sadly has to deal with Joleen and Tara, his sister and niece, both of whom are consistently in the pits of life. Joleen is a reckless neglectful mom who relies on James too much to get her out of trouble while Tara is her petulant daughter forced to deal with her mom’s indiscretions. But when Joleen leaves one night, she never comes home and now James and Tara are left all alone.

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The Taint (2010)

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After reading the press materials for Dan Nelson and Drew Bolduc’s “The Taint,” I expected almost anything to happen while watching it. And that’s pretty much what I was given when watching “The Taint.” Just about anything and everything that you can imagine happened. And some things you were too afraid to imagine happened. It’s almost impossible to describe the film that was made by directors Dan Nelson and Drew Bolduc, but it’s an experience that no one will forget after watching it. And surely enough it has Troma written all over it. It’s compelling while also entertaining. It’s trashy but it’s clever. And it’s completely abundantly moronic, but also has a wit to it that makes it entertaining.

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F (2010)

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f-2010-movie-posterI think in the end audiences will find the finale of “F” to be rather infuriating for the simple fact that while director Johannes Roberts doesn’t create a very conventional horror film, he also doesn’t opt for a conventional final scene. And viewers awaiting a huge showdown or some sense of comprehension to the extreme events that have occurred throughout the running time of “F,” many will find that it just doesn’t come to a close as many will be expecting. We live in a world where movies explain everything and anything they can. “F” chooses to leave most of its premise a mystery and keeps the motives of its almost supernatural legion of villains a mystery even after the credits have finished rolling.

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