It’s pretty clear directors Michael Deak & Aaron Osborne either created a giant Kaiju movie with a sense of humor, or a Kaiju movie that is actually a spoof of Godzilla. There can be no other reason to explain the inadvertent comedy and utterly atrocious performances in “Zarkorr! The Invader.” It’s a film so bad but so utterly entertaining that you’ll likely laugh along with its idiocy as it takes you on the roller coaster ride.
Monster Island is at it again, except this time we enter in to a virtual clone of Power Rangers, all of whom–named the Planet Patrol–take on Lord Doom and his lethal weapon Kraa! I’ve never seen any of the actual material for Planet Patrol (what little there is), nor am I aware of the back story, so “Kraa!” will assuredly be confusing for anyone paying attention. Especially when you see news footage from “Zarkorr!” blatantly reused for “Kraa!” All we’re told is that evil Lord Doom (who dons a stock skull mask and cape) is planning to unleash the Sea Monster Kraa! This monster will rise from the seas to conquer Earth, all the while Doom plans to take the planet’s ice for his world.
“Maggoty cannibal girls don’t get dates!”
Bitchy (but hot) Josi is throwing the party of the week at her sorority house, where booze runs heavy and gorgeous women scamper around. The only sister not having fun is her own. Young Cami is a scientist and geeky (but hot) aspiring entomologist who worships bugs and garners her own bug zoo in her room. On a bitchy tirade, Josi storms in to Cami’s room and kills all of her bugs with spray. Unfortunately the spray has counteracted with the chemicals Cami has fed them and now the bugs are alive, the size of Buick’s and ready to munch on some busty party goers!
It’s Pinhead. In space! With his cenobites. In space! Someone opens the puzzle box. In space! And people are tortured and turned in to cenobites against their wills. In space! The aspect about “Bloodlines” is that even though it closes the original continuity, there’s still a host of questions never answered for the fans. One of them being, if it’s indicated in the original film that becoming a cenobite is based primarily on the subjects own sado-sexual desires that transforms them in to beings of unbridled sexual pain and pleasure, why is Pinhead still just a stock slasher who turns people in to cenobites against their wills? In space? It’s a surefire sign you’re in for a thrill ride when you see director Alan Smithee at it again.
In the start of the first decade of the millennium, television networks across the country were mining once popular properties to transform in to television series. TNT sought out “Salem’s Lot” for a series and failed. NBC sought out “Carrie” for a new series and it never blossomed in to anything, and the Scifi Channel in America provided an unofficial sequel to Drew Barrymore’s film “Firestarter” which was basically a two and a half hour television mini-series that they presumed would become a television series. And it never progressed. Which is a shame, because while “Firestarter 2” is no masterpiece much like the first, it had potential to be cult fodder, what with storylines it props up, villains it introduces and the like. I fondly remember seeing “Rekindled” when it originally appeared on television and I found it to be fairly entertaining. Nine years later, it’s still rather entertaining.
I really do commend Mark Lester for bringing genre fans a film that still holds up to this day. While it’s not at all a masterpiece or perfection, “Firestarter” almost thirty years later is still a really entertaining bit of genre fare that explores the tribulations of a young girl with a natural ability, and the men in her life. Lester’s adaptation of Stephen King’s novel doesn’t just make young Charlie’s powers her own superhuman ability, but in a way implements it to signify her emotions, particularly love and passion. Because deep down “Firestarter” is a love triangle between small Charlie, her father, and her new friend John. At first John is insistent on murdering Charlie, and once he manages to gain her trust and befriend her, his friendship turns in to passion and love.
“Kiss reality goodbye.”
Boy I love “Arcade.” I just want to hug it tightly until it pops. It’s such a bad movie that it’s actually damn good when you overcome the absurdity. Maybe it’s because a plump Ralphie Parker plays a strong supporting role. Maybe it’s because Seth Green co-stars with a grungy nineties doo. Maybe it’s because the movie is just a rip-off of “Tron” and “Lawnmower Man”; either way it’s quite ridiculous, but for whatever reason Albert Pyun’s Full Moon Entertainment science fiction horror film is one of the finest pieces of schlock I’ve ever seen.