Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Debbie Does Dallas (1978)

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Let me tell you, its tough reviewing one of the most famous porn movies ever made. Hell, its tough reviewing porn, period. How do you review a porno movie? I can’t really speak on the acting, because hell, it’s a porn movie, there aren’t Oscar winning performances. And the production quality is abysmal. So, how do I go about this, I ask myself. But you’re probably asking why I’m reviewing a porno movie. Well, it’s just because this over-opinionated asshole wanted to throw his three cents in on this classic film. You’ve all heard about it. You know about it, so I thought I’d just give you the lowdown. The reason “Debbie Does Dallas” is such a bonafide classic is simply because it has everything men and women like in a porno. The sex scenes are staged fantasies, the cast is comprised of cheerleaders, and our main character is hot. “Debbie Does Dallas” has a huge history in the film medium. For proof on that, check out “Debbie Does Dallas Uncovered,” and you’ll see what I mean. The reason why “Debbie Does Dallas” was big was because of Bambi Woods. People attribute the success of this film to many things, but I pin it on Bambi Woods. Woods isn’t (or wasn’t, if she’s actually dead) a fox in the strictest sense.

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Hannibal Rising (2007)

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This is us. This is us in America. We have to know about the monster, we have to demystify the boogeyman. We can’t be kept in the dark on some things. And of course, we have to know Hannibal is not a cold calculating killer, but a troubled child whose family was killed; so he decided to strike back at those who caused it. No, it’s actually the premise for this; I’m not confusing it for “Batman Begins.” And like the prequel to “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” we’re just supposed to believe Lecter became a cannibal one day.

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Mimic: Sentinel (2003)

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mimic3What happens when you have a film franchise that’s lacking in almost everything required of a good film? You use a different approach. The “Mimic” series has been nothing but abysmal, and it was only a matter of time before we had a film in the series that tried it from a different perspective. Anyone who sees this will know this is a pure rip off of “Sisters,” front and back. The attempted psychoses, the plot twists, our nosy neighbor and his inevitable discovery. Petty rips shamelessly from the film, and while I came to accept it, it also works against the film’s quality in which the film’s attempted complexities come off as pure conceit and desperate. The film lacks anything nearing an esoteric framework, especially since it involves a giant bug.

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The Warrior (2001)

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warriormain2It’s a shame that not many people are even aware of this film, because what “The Warrior” offers audiences is much more entertaining, meaningful, and engrossing than most modern thrillers can muster. “The Warrior” is the journey of a man through a life of violence, and his realization that what he does has horrible consequences that comes too little too late. I enjoyed this film, and I wish more people could experience what it offers. But sadly, even with Anthony Minghella presenting the film, “The Warrior” has remained an obscure suspense thriller that’s soaked in a sense of dread and horror that many thrillers can’t mimic.

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Versus (2000)

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versusOkay, so I admit it, I’m a little late to the party. I’m about seven years late to the party that is “Versus,” but cut me some slack, I’m busy. “Versus” is an action zombie film, and one that I really consider a guilty pleasure in the end. Granted, the zombies are cheesy, and I was forced to watch the dubbed version, but overall, “Versus” is a B horror entry that borders on action more often than it does horror. A small group of criminals out in the middle of the woods discover that the woods actually can resurrect the dead, and really have no idea what to do. Do they fight one another, do they band together, do they seek others, warn the world, escape, or take on the walking dead to prevent the spread? Decisions, decisions.

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Disturbia (2007)

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If you’re willing to ignore all the obvious positions our characters are put in, “Disturbia” will be pretty excellent. I wasn’t willing to ignore all the obvious marks, so I found it to be pretty damn frustrating. Let’s see, there’s our character Kale who is known for being a liar and deceiver, then there’s our mom who is so self-involved, she can’t listen to our hero, and of course a cop who has it out for him who we know will just come in the nick of time to help our hero when in trouble. And then there’s that nasty habit of the film being so utterly derivative. If there was ever going to be a remake of “Rear Window,” you could basically re-title this and not know the difference. “Disturbia” is a pretty cheesy thriller that is never afraid to flaunt that it’s so predictable.

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Spider-Man 3 (2007)

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0iLzLatI have this theory that “Spider-Man 3” is Sam Raimi’s revenge on Sony Pictures. What leads me to that theory? Well, Raimi was likely forced to make the second sequel on a speedy time slot, he was likely bored with making another Spider-Man film on such a hectic schedule, and was forced to include Venom, a character he swore off when he took on  the Spider-Man franchise. What’s interesting is that “Spider-Man 3” seems to prove many of my points at every turn, and it’s painful that I may be right.

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