I remember checking out the trailer for this online and thought it was a funny idea. So, when it finally appeared on television, I had to check it out for a laugh. After a long-winded and pretentious opener in which a Mexican narrator informs the audience about the legend of a piñata which held the evil essence of villagers to restore prominence back to the village, we get into modern times where a bunch of college students prepare for a scavenger hunt. If you’re going to watch this, watch this for the horror clichés that embroil within this. There’s your usual cast of characters that serve no other purpose than to die in the hands of the evil piñata.
Category Archives: Movie Reviews
Half Past Dead (2002)
This is like the action masterpiece “The Rock”, except for the fact that “The Rock” was original, and this is just as awful as anything I’ve ever seen. After being busted in a car theft ring, two gangster friends Nick (rapper Ja Rule) and Sasha (Steven Seagal) are jailed in New Alcatraz prison where mercenaries break in and storm the prison to hold a prisoner ransom who knows the location of a secret stash of over two hundred million dollars in gold. Now they must team up with other prisoners and beat the mercenaries before they kill everyone. I got the sense this is supposed to be a futuristic film, but there’s never truly verification. The prison is re-opened due to overcrowding and it’s supposedly advanced but shockingly stone age. The prison is supposed to be state of the art and advanced but there’s a shockingly low head count when it comes to prisoners (I counted twenty-five).
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
In this remake — I mean “re-imagining” of the shocking cult horror classic directed by Tobe Hooper, in 1973 five teens on their way to a rock concert find themselves on a deserted road where they pick up a hitchhiker (Laura German) who seems to have been in a traumatic ordeal, when they attempt to comprehend her condition, she commits suicide. The teens attempt to seek help at a large house and wind up entering a horrifying nightmare none of them can escape. Though the film has its flaws it also has a lot of good stuff in it; the filmmakers attempt to stick this so close to the original that comedian John Larroquette who narrated the original, returns to narrate this one; it’s a great tribute. One of the biggest aspects of the original film was the shock of finding that Larroquette (who is a comedian and starred in “Night Court”) narrated such a horrifying film, and the filmmakers don’t skimp out on the fans.
Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams (2002)
After a raid by armed soldiers during a party with the world’s top agents and their kids, Juni Cortez (Daryl Sabara), the youngest of the Cortez spy family is accused of stealing the high powered super weapon The Transmooker Device. Now Carmen (Alexa Vega) and Juni Cortez must travel to the island of lost dreams and face off against monsters, soldiers, and rival agents Girti (Emily Osment) and Gary Giggles and find the real transmooker device before the evil Donnagon (Mike Judge) gets a hold of it and prove Juni’s innocence. But their parents and meddlesome grandparents are on the hunt for the kids before they’re killed. I tend to easily grow tired of family movies if they’re either too hokey or corny; most of the time, they’re both.
House of the Dead (2003)
After the (literally) seven minute long opening to “House of the dead”, I was almost sure this would suck as I instantly lost patience with this frenzied film; man, I should learn to listen to my instincts more. I sat in the theatres watching and squirming in my seat because I had to use the bathroom, and had pre-determined I would hold it until the movie ended (not wanting to miss out). After about ten minutes in, to the bathroom I went. What’s sad is that this is not only a bad movie, but a bad zombie movie with a lot of potential to it. With a plot off of “Zombie” and “Resident Evil”, the movie had a lot of chances to become innovative and creative yet Uwe Boll takes no chances and goes by the book.
Secretary (2002)
Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal) just got out of a mental institution for cutting her self due to stress, and now comes home to even more stress including her overprotective mother (Leslie Anne Warren) and resorts back to her old habits. She soon decides to get a job in typing and instantly becomes skilled, looking for a job. She stumbles upon a small law firm run by a militant E. Edward Grey (James Spader) who is mostly professional and soon develops an odd fascination with her. They soon find they each have a fancy for the sadomasochistic. The aspect that makes this movie so unique is that both characters are so pathetic at times, and somehow become drawn to each other. Grey is a lawyer in a quiet and boring firm who quivers in his office, and Holloway is a nimble and meek girl who tends to hide behind her desk; self inflicted torture is what draws them together emotionally and sexually.
13 Seconds (2003)
There isn’t much original material you can inject into horror movies these days, so when I was sent this film, I was pretty skeptical. Though, reading upon it’s merits and numerous awards, I decided to confront this film with an open-mind. Jeff Thomas’ directing is the highlight of the film, it’s not hard to get past the low-budget and realize the film is very well directed. He manages to set the mood and atmosphere down just right enough to keep the audience in suspense and at the edge of their seat. Often, I was left very tense as the characters found themselves trapped in a dark room and confined to the horrifying grim settings of the mansion.