The All New Wonder Woman #601

Do you remember a time where comic books were just about being comic books?

You went in to a news stand, picked up some comic books, read them and awaited the next issue with your favorite characters fighting their arch nemesis? Well now with the death of the printed word looming, comic books are no longer about entertaining us. They have to serve much more of a purpose and as such most of the comic books you’ll read that are out now are custom made to be movies, are just blueprints to be movies, tailored to fit a movie adaptation, and are being drastically altered to fit the needs of a parent company anxious to turn the star of the comics in to a film heroine.

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Bikini Bloodbath Carwash (2008)

bikini_bloodbath_carwashMrs. Johnson: Nice erection, Todd.
Todd: Thanks. You too!

Sitting down to watch “Bikini Bloodbath Carwash” made me grin from ear to ear in only the first five minutes as it was clear the directing team of Jonathan Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour knew what they were doing. There’s no backstory, no complexity, no undertones, it’s just all out ridiculous horror fun, and I loved it. I always say that I don’t mind stupidity as long as there’s some substance behind it, and the sequel to “Bikini Bloodbath” starts out on all the right notes. Two girls we’ve never met get up from bed, dance around in their underwear, one of whom takes a while to put on her top, they dance and jiggle, the directors put up the title in a very creative manner and we see “Written and Directed by Who the Fuck Cares.” I mean… that’s great. It just is. That’s stupid, but it’s stupid as a fox.

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Pieces (Mil gritos tiene la noche) (1983): Two Disc Deluxe Edition (DVD)

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“The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot and fucking on a water bed.”

Armed with perhaps two of the funniest, most demented, and rapid fire twists in possibly all of film history, “Pieces” is one of the most insane horror films I’ve ever seen, a movie so rife with cheese and over the top splatter that it’s just impossible not to enjoy. I found myself disgusted, and cringing all the while laughing at the top of my lungs at scenes so poorly orchestrated that it’s just so easy to sit and watch without being bored. It’s impossible to pick a starting point in this review because I’m currently comprehending what the hell I’d just seen before my eyes.

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Clash of the Titans (2010): Combo Pack Blu-Ray/DVD/Digital

It should have been a no-brainer. A Greek myth about a hero being called upon to battle the gods while also fighting with various creatures is a concept begging to be made in to an amazing movie. “Clash of the Titans” is the Harryhausen movie that fans continue to love but also secretly wanted to see remade… only for a curiosity. We wanted to know what it would look like, but we didn’t want it to happen. And then we were given the bright idea by Warner to not only remake the Harryhausen opus but turn it in to a franchise.

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Spring Break Massacre (2008)

SBM031110I’m not sure what the point of watching a horror movie is if we know everyone dies beforehand. Writers Hoffman and Jones take the unfortunate road of meeting us at the end with Reggie Bannister’s sheriff protagonist at the crime scene of said Spring Break Massacre explaining how every character dies. Meanwhile the story is told in completely disjointed formats and confusing shots that really left me in the dust. Why is this so high concept if it purports to be a slasher throwback? Why exactly is it called Spring Break Massacre if the majority of the story occurs during a slumber party?

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Paris by Night of the Living Dead (2009)

Paris-by-Night-of-the-Living-Dead-MovieI’m honestly still not sure what to even make of this short zombie film even hours after seeing it. It’s ridiculous, ultimately pointless, and just loud, but… it’s also creepy, brilliantly directed, and the zombie effects are some of the best I’ve seen in a while. “Paris by Night of the Living Dead” is a pretty straight forward zombie short film that doesn’t pretend it’s anything other than an excuse to show zombies being massacred, mutilated and blown up in about as much excessive ways as humanly possible. It’s just fast paced and insanely absurd, but I couldn’t stop watching it.

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Red Skelton Whistling Collection (Whistling in the Dark / Whistling in Dixie / Whistling in Brooklyn) (1941) (DVD)

The Warner Archives have brought movie buffs of all kinds together to bear witness to the immortal Red Skelton and his “Whistling” trilogy, the 1941 comedy series that brought Skelton together with co-stars like Eve Arden and Virginia Grey. Restored and featured in three separate discs, the “Whistling” collection is ultimately a mixed bag of Skelton comedies that are all fairly flawed with some dated zingers that fall flat on numerous occasions, but when they shine, they manage to draw some genuine laughs thanks to Skelton who is sometimes too goofy to enjoy, and other times seem too funny for the material he’s handed.

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