It’s as if someone took a picture of my fantasies and plastered them on-screen. Bettie Page in the form of Gretchen Mol. It’s almost like a gift to me, and yes I’m vain enough to think this film is a gift to me. It features two of the most beautiful women who ever lived combined, along with one hell of a fantastic movie to boot. I was glad this wasn’t just a case of watching Mol as Page for ninety minutes. There’s a story, there’s great direction, and there’s actual commentary. “The Notorious Bettie Page” is yet another ninety minute bit of speculation on Ms. Page’s life, because it’s a known fact, no one is very sure of what really happened in her life from a child to her disappearance from society’s mainstream. But then again, Harron’s film is not an attempt to delve into the secrets and demons of Paige, too much. It’s instead a sweet, risqué, and entertaining celebration of the woman known as Bettie Page. Page, as you should know by now, is quite possibly one of the most revered pin-up models of all time.
The Ice Harvest (2005)
You’re very well aware at how poorly put together this vehicle is, when throughout the entire film, people are shot in the head with a small hole and a drip of blood from the frontal lobe, yet right in the climax when the villain’s head is blown away, blood and brain matter splatters all over Connie Nielsen. I hated “The Ice Harvest.” I hated its being. I hated its presence. Because—borrowing from a hilarious scene in “The Family Guy”—it insists upon itself. It’s so smug in its attempt to feel like a neo-noir dramedy, and fails in every aspect, and then tries horribly to shove the themes down our throats and never lets up.
Alone in the Dark (2005)
And in the distance, as the movie came to a close in an ending that ripped off the remains of “Evil Dead” so badly I gazed in wide eyed horror, a woman could be heard–laughing aloud. Is this ever a good sign to a good movie? No way, and that was a surefire indicator Uwe Boll had done it yet again, he’d made a movie that rivaled the sheer horror that was “House of the Dead,” a movie that will forever live in infamy as one of the worst horror movies ever made. Suffice it to say, if I made a drama or horror and spawned even the slightest of laughter, I’d duck out of the theater and hide in a cave. Too bad Boll didn’t do it.
The Girl Who Could Run 600 Miles Per Hour! (2006)
You have to appreciate the inherent ambition behind a film like “The Girl…,” because director Thimijan doesn’t just give us a story about a girl who can in reality run 600 miles per hour. Instead his film is about monotony and the confines the work life, and how this extraordinary ability allows her to pursue feats that she normally couldn’t once we get to know her. And it’s quite a whimsical story with a sweet message about life, and your goals. Thimijan aims for a more “Punch Drunk Love” vibe with a story of a man whose work a day life is mostly unfulfilling in spite of his best efforts to fit in and change his normal routine. All of that comes into a different perspective when he meets the girl who can run 600 miles per hour.
An Underdog Story
Art by Trevor Gentry Birnbaum
LovecraCked! The Movie (2006)
Elias goes for the good old trick of cinema. When all else fails, throw in a hot chick or two. And man, are there ever good looking women here. Gillian MacGregor is one who will burn herself into your brain in “Witch’s Spring” as a rather sexy witch seducing a man, and then there’s Nicky Ladanowski in “Bug boy” a fleeting and rather horrific little skit involving a man’s rage manifesting itself into a monster. Elias’ talent shows, and when he tackles the horror element, he really pulls through in a gritty disturbing manner. Take for the example the weird “RePenetrator” which is surprisingly funny and inappropriately erotic, in which the Dr. West re-animates a body so hot he has to engage in rough sex with it before it turns on him.
Broken Flowers (2005)
Never underestimate the power of karma. Don Johnston never will. Don has just broken up with his girlfriend, who urges him to get his life together and grow up. One day he receives an anonymous letter revealing to him that his son, who he’s never met, is looking for him. Jim Jarmusch’s tale of a lady killer who gets a jolt of reality facing his own mortality, is a clever and pretty interesting slice of life about a man whose life seems basically comfortable until he gets the announcement.