I consider myself a very mature man who knows how to restrain himself in terms of disagreeing with people. But to the people who found this to be a remotely good film, I must ask: Are you stupid or something? Is this what you define as entertainment? But, I digress. My apologies. With basically the same plot, we delve in the San Antonio Bay/Island where they’re preparing for their ceremony to pay respect to the town’s founders. Fog rolls in. People die. Ghosts return mighty pissed off. And the shit hits the fan. By shit, I mean this film. Who thought this remake would be a good idea? Not the concept of remaking it, but this script? I’ve never seen such sloppy writing before in my life. I can safely say, I can squeeze out a better version out of my ass, without hesitation, but hey, we’re not all working for Hollywood. So, what do the writers force feed through this manufactured screenplay?
Masters of Horror: Fair Haired Child
A young unpopular girl from Connecticut named Tara is run over one day after school and awakes to find herself being held hostage by a couple. She’s thrown in to their basement and discovers a young boy hanging from a rope. She saves him and now the two hostages must find a way to get out of the basement before the monster awakens and eats them both. I’m not a fan of Petty basically because she always plays the same character in every movie, but here she’s really good and provides a truly creepy performance as the menacing Judith who seeks to keep Tara locked up as long as it takes. Petty is at her most threatening looking like a vampiric Kathy Bates running the show and waiting for Tara to be killed. “Fair Haired Child” is a dread-filled installment with true suspense and mystery and the eventual surprise of what lies in the basement without her knowledge.
Masters of Horror: Sick Girl
Of all the episodes from the “Masters of Horror” series, this was the one I was really looking forward to because: a) It’s Lucky McKee, how cool a name is that? b) It’s described as “The Fly” with lesbians, and c) It has Misty Mundae in it. Yeah, so what I’m a fan of her. “Playmate of the Apes” (Making out with a pink ape? Priceless) and “Lord of the G-Strings” is quality shit, with some brutally funny performances. “Sick Girl” is a freaky, campy, and utterly clever jab at lesbianism in America, but also a good retread on “The Fly”. I don’t know why, but I assumed “Sick Girl” would be played to a more dramatic effect, but then it’s Lucky McKee, this guy likes to play on odd.
Hostel (2005)
“Hi! I’m Eli Roth, I’m that film school reject people like Quentem Tarantino and Takaki Miike are saying is a genius! I make moving pictures, moving pictures that really suck, but see people don’t know that, because I just pass it off as art, and then my mentor pats my head, critics praise me, complacent horror fans worship me, and I disappear in to my house.” There were two movies that came out in 2005, two similar attempted nihilistic horror entries that were both very gory, very unique, and made at the displeasure of the MPAA, and both struck chords with horror fans. Except this one.
Laputa: Castle in the Sky (Tenkû no shiro Rapyuta) (1986)
I think one of the reasons why I respond so well to a Hayao Miyazaki film is that he aspires purposely to create a simple work of art, but his simplicity becomes a truly grand piece of work whether he’s aware of it or not, he makes films that resemble the golden serials of the film age, what George Lucas should have done with his “Star Wars” prequels. He relishes in opportunities to be simple providing simple plots. A humble hero, a wondrous heroine, a main villain, pirates, the amazing monster/robot, and the open sky.
Alexander (2004)
After the failure of “Alexander”, Stone, always the conspiracy buff, used this excuse: “Alexander failed because of conservative opposition to homosexuality.” Which answers the question, what does a conspiracy theorist do when they fail? Make their failure in to a conspiracy. “No, it wasn’t my fault, it’s the government!” But if a heavily homosexually driven film like “Brokeback Mountain” could succeed why couldn’t a film with mild homosexual themes make it? Answer that one, Stoner. Did you ever think that perhaps your movie really sucks? Because it does. Never since “Caligula” have I seen such a cheesy, ridiculous, and utterly boring “epic” that fails to be as good as it tries to be. From Anthony Hopkins typical dramatic narration spelling the film out for us, right down to the sickeningly grandiose style it’s unashamed to flaunt, “Alexander” is a bad movie that will show all that the gladiator fad is over and done with. So quit it, y’hear?
Cry_Wolf (2005)
The crime “Cry_Wolf” commits is that its safe, it’s completely void of scares, any risks, and it’s completely dry if you catch my drift. It attempts to be taken as a slasher film but it’s not a slasher whatsoever, it’s a gigantic tease. It starts off as a mystery, then forms in to a slasher, and then a mystery yet again. With great writing, and very good directing, the constantly shifting themes could have served for a brilliant and utterly engrossing horror entry, but with hackneyed writing and utterly broad characterization, “Cry_Wolf” goes limp. Like having a vasectomy and contemplating sex, it seems fun, but in the end it does nothing but fire off blanks. It wants to be the murder mystery of the computer age, but it comes off more like a lame-brained “Scream” and that’s not saying much, I can tell you that.